Archive for the ‘Lawyers’ Category

Good, Now Move Your Head from Side to Side Like a Cobra

White woman: How did I testify?
Lawyer: Not too bad.
White woman: Tell the truth — I was terrible.
Lawyer: No, it’s just that he put a lot of words in your mouth.
White woman: I know.
Lawyer: You have to develop an attitude like a black woman. When he says, ‘So, what you’re telling me is…,’ you have to say, ‘Don’t be puttin’ words in mah mouf! I said this. Don’t be twistin’ mah words to say I said that.’
White woman, dismayed: I’ll try.

–Hallway, Civil Court, 111 Centre St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Unfortunately, the Crime Scene Had Already Been Thoroughly Dusted

Young woman: You felt me up while I was asleep!
Lying man: How do you know, if you were asleep?
Young woman: You stuck your fingers in my pussy while I was asleep!
Lying man: Why would I do that? There’s nothing in there that I was looking for.
Lying man’s lawyer: Come on, don’t argue with her.
Young woman: If they find your fingerprints in my pussy you’re going to jail, motherfucker!
Lying man, taunting: What if I wore gloves?
Young woman: Hear that? He confessed!

–Hallway, Supreme Court, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Mel Gibson’s Dad: ‘Who?’

Male lawyer #1: I’m reading this book that says Hitler’s grandfather was probably a Jewish guy his grandmother worked for as a housemaid.
Female lawyer: Can you imagine how that guy must feel, knowing that he produced Hitler?
Male lawyer #2: I think Hitler would feel worse.
Male lawyer #1: Who gives a shit how Hitler feels?

–Supreme Court, 851 Grand Concourse, Bronx

Overheard by: Big Larry

Billable Hours of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Is it a good idea to pursue a career in law just because I love Law and Order?

–Pace University

Overheard by: Pants

Suit: You know what I should have done? Skipped law school and gone straight to the Army!

–C train, 23rd St

Paralegal: I seriously wish that I could just give up this law thing and become a lion trainer.

–Battery Park

Girl on cell: I mean, I think a law degree is really, like, fluid. You can do anything with it. Like, I don’t know… practice law?

–6th Ave & Canal St

Overheard by: Kate Elizabeth Queram

I’ve Missed Neither It Nor You

50-ish female lawyer at reunion party: Hi! Remember me?
50-ish male lawyer: [Long pause] Sure. 1981. Twelve dates, a carriage ride in Central Park, and I couldn’t even get a hand job from you. How’s your virginity?

–Brooklyn Law School

Overheard by: Big Larry

In a Country Where the Rich and Powerful Do Well in Court

Suit #1: Dude, she’s pregnant.
Suit #2: Holy shit. No way. What are you gonna do?
Suit #1: I have no idea.
Suit #2: You have to make her have an abortion.
Suit #1: It’s her decision; I can’t make her have an abortion.
Suit #2: Dude, you’re an attorney — you can make her do anything you want. And if she doesn’t agree, you know there are ways to threaten her into doing it.
Suit #1, in amazement: Where the hell did you go to law school?

–53rd & Lex

Overheard by: I hope he didn’t pass Legal Ethics

Wednesday One-Liners Suit Up

Suit on cell: I expected pus, but it’s got little black specks in it.

–Pelham Bay Park, the Bronx

Overheard by: HelenA.Handbasket Suit: When I said “fairy tale” I meant like Mother Goose–not Miss Dirty Martini!

–F train

Overheard by: braincurve Suit #1 to suit #2: Oh sure, I’ve got a source. I can get you a kidney, no problem.

–Madison Square Park Female suit on cell: I don’t think you’re hearing what I’m saying. I think you’re in a very nagging place right now.

–Duane & Broadway

Overheard by: Rich Mintz Middle-Aged suit: Boobies boobies boobies. Boobies boobies boobies…

–41st & 8th Suit on cell: So there’s gonna be total chaos on September 14th, but that’s all we have planned so far. –Church St Overheard by: Dara Suit: My goal in life is to one day sue someone.

–A train

Overheard by: LSB