Archive for the ‘Leisure’ Category

Wednesday Mile-Highliners

Pilot: Passengers, please move your seat into the least comfortable position. We are now approaching LaGuardia intergalactic airport. I'm your pilot, T.J. Maxx.

–JetBlue Airplane

Pilot over intercom: We are about to depart, so please turn off your iPhones, Sidekicks, BlackBerrys, Blueberrys, Pinkberrys, Strawberrys and all other mobile devices. Even you, girl in the blue scarf.

–LaGuardia Flight

Flight attendant: In the meantime we ask that passengers please continue to use oxygen at their leisure.

–JFK

Bored-looking flight attendant, explaining how to board the plane in order: The letter on your boarding pass stands for the which group you may board with: a, b, or c. The number underneath stands for the amount of money you could save by switching to GEICO.

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: Frequent Flyer

All the Webcam Viewers Laugh, Though.

Annoying comedy ticket seller: Want to see comedians?
Passer by: No.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Why not? Everyone loves to laugh!
Passer by: Still no, leave me alone.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Well, if you don't like laughing, what do you do with your spare time?
Passer by, fed up: Masturbate!

–42nd & 8th

Hannibal the Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on bench smoking cigarette, on cell: But he has no problem lifting his legs so you can eat his ass.

–Central Park

Cornrowed boy to cornrowed girl: Stop chewing on me!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Kelly D

Random girl showing a picture to friends: I'm eating the baby's head. It's what I do in my spare time.

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

Woman to another with colored contacts: I just want to eat your eyes!

–Elevator, Broadway & 32nd St

Four-year-old boy to teenage babysitter: Oh, yeah? I'm gonna bite your vagina!

–86th & Broadway

Woody Allen lookalike: But buses are so creepy. I mean, what if there are cannibals on the bus?

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: or snakes

There's a Reason “Stooges” and “Splooges” Sound So Alike

Suit #1: What are you doing this weekend?
Suit #2: I think I'm going to go jet skiing. Wanna go jet skiing?
Suit #1: Yeah sure, I'll go.
Suit #2 (answers phone): Yeah, I'm going jet skiing this weekend. Do you wanna come? Yeah, I'm going with Steve*. (pause) No, three dudes on a jet ski isn't gay. (turns to friend) Is it?
Suit #1: Two dudes is questionable, but three is definitely gay.

–Broome Street Bar

But Strictly Speaking, They're Broasted

Hipster chick: What do you do for fun when you're not busy with work?
Hipster dude: Set children on fire.
Hipster chick: They still do that in the city? I thought that died down years ago.
Hipster dude: You have to look hard for a good place, but I know one where you can roast small Aryan children for like $2.50 a pop!
Hipster chick: What a deal!
Hipster dude: I know.
Hipster chick: Man, you know where to get all of the good stuff.

–4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Oz

Wednesday One-Liners May Leave a Bad Taste in Your Mouth

Bland middle-aged woman: It's not like you're giving head in the Port Authority bathroom!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: j

English tourist: You'll go home and people will ask: "So what did you do on holiday?" You'll reply: "Oh, I gave the Empire State Building a blowjob!"

–34th St

Guy on cell: Ugh, fuck me in the ass. No… no, not you. Meanie. Why don't you just suck my dick. Suck my dick!

–34th Street

Dude on cell: It was like getting a blowjob from the inside.

–8th Ave & 53rd St

Guy on cell: Is that the guy that's been sucking your dick?

–81st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Kelley

Young guy on cell: And then I said: "I could really use a blowjob right now." She was offended!

–48th & Park

Young black man to friend: Just because she sucks my dick doesn't make her Oprah Winfrey.

–B48 Bus