Archive for the ‘Lesbians’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Double Their Pleasure, Double Their Fun

65-year-old lady, in bikini top and Daisy Duke shorts, with belly hanging over: Of course I am bisexual…can't you see the view?"

–49th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: NATE MATHIS

Girl to guy: You can't be bisexual and married, John. That's, like, illegal!

–50th b/w 8th & 9th

Australian chic at bar: It's weird though, he reminds me so much of my ex-girlfriend.

–Mexican Restaruant, Lower East Side

Loud girl on cell: No, I did him, it was so good. (pause) Yeah, I fucked her too, she loved it.

–Hillside & Edgerton

Drunk lesbian: Why can't you be a girl or at least have a really big dick?

–Bowery Ballroom

She Put the Lime in Her Coconut, and I Drank 'em Both Up

Lesbian: Rachel's dying her hair again, she's going back to redhead. She's so dedicated! Every time she changes her hair color she makes sure she does the whole job, just for me!
Friend: Uh, doesn't one usually do the “whole job” when dying hair?
Lesbian: No, no, I mean she dyes *down there*, you know?
Friend: Ah, right, gotcha. (pause) Uh, wasn't she lime green last month?

–F Train

Wednesday One-Liners Buy Hardware for Their Software

Large black lesbian to friends going into a sex shop: I don't wanna see no dildos unless I'm being fucked!

–Greenwich Village

Overheard by: J.D.

Mormon girl, loudly agreeing with friend: Yeah, I know, I know! I didn't even know what a dildo was until I got here! Like, freshman year!

–Outside Lerner Hall, Columbia University

Overheard by: But what about a vibrator?

Loudest black girl in group of loud black teens: What I recommend, to every fuckin' nigga, is the vibratin' cock ring.

–14th St, Outside Urban Outfitters

Overheard by: Now curious about cockrings

Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75.

–Orchard & Rivington

Overheard by: MattyB

Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing…yes the fuckin thing for the thing…yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.

–31st St & 7th Ave

30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly?

–D Train

Can You Sell Wednesday One-Liners on the Black Market?

Skater kid: Where's my tongue?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Toast

Guy on bus (shouting from the back of the bus): Driver, you know this bus is not gentle on those who have testicles. I mean there's all these bumps and everything's jumping around.

–B12 Bus

Butch lesbian yelling into phone: How do you think I found out my thyroid wasn't working?

–M14D Bus

Old guy to pretty girl: You have some nice legs. You should be doing stocking commercials. Anyone ever tell you that? (now to himself) Oh, the woes of racism have plagued us from Egyptian times!

–R Train

Stock floor guy on cell: Every time we think this thing is coming to a head, there's another head…how many heads does this thing have?

–Wall St & Broadway

Overheard by: Michael

Woman on cell: The best place for your thighs is around my neck. Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is. Yes it is.

–58th & Columbus Circle

I'll Take “Lesbians Who Don't Love Their Girlfriends” for $200, Alex

Girl #1: Do you think I'm a loser?
Girl #2: What? No. Why?
Girl #1: I haven't gotten laid in like five months.
Girl #2: There's a guy traveling cross country to fuck you! I don't have that.
Girl #1: You got fucked by a porn star! More than once! And she wants to do it again!
Girl #2: We'll it's not like she's flying cross country just for that.
Girl #1: Have you asked her? She might.
Girl #2: Yeah right, I can't even get my girlfriend to come in from Jersey.
Girl #1: (pause) Ewww. Who wants to be in Jersey.

–Elephant & Castle, West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Hire Professional Mourners

Drunk dude getting restrained: No, you don't understand. I could murder anyone! Not like my family. My family's all pussies… They're all Ricky Martin!

–Outside Nightcaps, Midwood

Dreadlocked lesbian: I can feel in my heart of hearts that you'll be okay, baby. You didn't kill anybody, you paid a guy to kill somebody.

–Lesbian Bar, Park Slope

Overheard by: gvw

Elderly Eastern European woman to elderly man: A dyke can kill three thousand woman! Most killer in de' world!

–Bedford Avenue & N 10th St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ken Thompson

Little boy exiting bathroom: You're not the only one alive here!

–Regal Cinemas, Union Square

Overheard by: MeiLi

Girl to friend: If I died, and you heard about it–please burn me.

–Astoria, 21st St

Professional woman to another: Well, because I know that you are opposed to genocide and everything…

–Union Square

Three-year-old black girl stabbing at her SpaghettiO's: Die cracker die!

–Day Care Center, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn