Archive for the ‘Library’ Category

A Gaggle Of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I mean, it was bigger than a horse. But it had four humps.

–14th & 2nd

Overheard by: LIZ

Drunk man: A plastic sheep or a real sheep… When it comes down to it… is there really any difference?

–Biddy Early's Pub

Chick on cell: It's better than riding a golden yak!

–Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Man to friend: Did I mean "wombats"? Of course I meant fucking wombats!

–3 Train

Blonde: What is a mongoose and where can I get one?

–Times Square

Guy on cell (fumbling with a pack of Marlboros): Well, for one, it’s been ten days since the baby snakes have eaten.

–92nd St & Broadway

Overheard by: The Mad Man

Middle-aged white guy: …so we told the children they couldn't go to the petting zoo, to see how they would react. (pause) It was interesting on a psychological level.

–Outside of Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

No Wednesday One-Liners in the Champagne Room

Soccer mom: In two weeks, my knitting circle’s going to the strip club.

–28th & Lex

Girl: I want to become a stripper so that I can see Patti LuPone in Gypsy every night.

–St. James Theatre

Overheard by: Erin

Loud NYU chick: Listen to the opening guitar riff of Voodoo child. It makes you want to be a stripper!

–Bobst Library

Overheard by: evil em

Six-year-old boy to parents: Oohh! Zombie strippers! Let’s see that!

–Port Authority

Great Wednesday One-Liners…. For Me to Poop On!

Five-year-old girl in the men’s bathroom: Hey everybody! Look! I have fat poopies!

–New Dance Group, West 38th St

Random chick: She’s gonna be all over me for shitting today.

–Outside Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Girl: I so should have taken a dump in that toilet!

–14th & 4th

High school boy: I literally walked in the bathroom and saw like, someone took a dump on the floor; and it was more than one person! And I was just like, wow, is this a new trend or something?

–Fresh Meadows, Queens

Overheard by: Caro-kun

18-year-old CPR/AED instructor on using a defibrillator: …if you’re touching the person when you administer the shock, it won’t kill you, but you might poo a little.

–50th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Chick: Welp, I am ready to have diarrhea now!

–2nd Ave & 11th

You Can’t Choose Your Wednesday One-Liners

Jewish girl: I think my family likes me because I will fulfill my potential to be a pompous ass.

–NYU Bobst Library

Thirty-something Hispanic woman: All my nephews are boys… All of them.

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Suze V

Girl on cell: Well then maybe you shouldn’t have fucked my sister!

–70 & Broadway

Girl on cell: …The half-Asian, half-Jewish guy. And she’s like: "My brother is so pissed at me!" and I’m like: "Of course he’s pissed, you’ve gotten with six of his friends."

–St. John’s University

Overheard by: Peter G

Guy: I’ve seen my sister-in law’s titties so many times…

–Yankee Stadium

Girl on cell: So the little girl at the wedding was like: "Are you guys brothers?" And I was like: "No, we fuck".

–24th St b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Amy

Wednesday One-Liners, Plus Puerto Rico

Douchebag college student to girl: The cop looked at my ID and said "Come on, Mr California!" and I was like: "Mr California? Come on! I’ve been here for like four months!"

–G Train

Overheard by: Guy who puts 4 months to shame

Jersey girl: I don’t do Arkansas.

–Tram to Roosevelt Island

Eight-year-old to uncle: Please don’t move to Connecticut… It’s too hard to spell!

–38th & 2nd Ave

Aging queen to record store clerk: Oivia Newton-John’s fine and all, but she’s like 55 and living in Connecticut, so she lost her edge.

–Rebel Rebel Records: Bleecker and Christopher st.

Suit on cell: Do they make you sterile? Can you have sex? When you’re on the pills, can you have sex? You should go to Utah. They have great sex in Utah. The Mormons are famous for it. I think we should have easter dinner at 4.30 at Fekkai’s.

–43rd St between Madison & 5th

Black man, pulling up his pants while being chased out of the library by two Hispanic security guards: I’m sick of dem Hispanics, man! I’m sick of ‘em! I love California.

–New York Public Library, 42nd St branch

Overheard by: Jason