Archive for the ‘Lies’ Category

I Looked Into The Abyss, and It Shit Itself

Geek: Well, she was dog-sitting and the dog died. The family, I guess, was someplace where they couldn’t get home, so she had to take care of it.
Dude: Take care of it?
Geek: Well, she was in Boston but didn’t have a car and didn’t know what to do with it because she couldn’t carry it, so she put it in a rolling suitcase to take it to the vet. On her way there, some guy saw her struggling with the bag and offered to help her carry it. When they were almost to the vet he asked what was in the bag, and, because I guess she didn’t think she could tell him that there was a dead dog in the bag, she said, ‘Electronics!’ Apparently, he looked at her, looked at the bag, punched her in the face, and ran off with the dog! Can you fucking believe it?! He stole the dead dog!
Quiet friend: … Did she have a black eye?
Dude: I can’t wait to talk to her when we get back to Boston so I can make fun of her! [Later…] I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face… Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork! –Metro-North, New Haven line

Wednesday One-Liners Turn the Meter On

Cabbie, as man opens passenger-side door: Wait. I am not mentally prepared for this! –W 50th Cabbie on cell: Hello? I’m going to beat you up… ‘Cause I want to! –23rd & Lex Exasperated cabbie: Why is there a house driving down Delancey Street? –Delancey & Chrystie Overheard by: Les Chinatown Cabbie on cell: No, no, it is not possible. I cannot possibly be back in the city by then — I am at the airport…I could maybe make it back into the city to see you in, like, two hours if traffic isn’t bad in the Bronx. Man, the airport is really packed today. –99th & Amsterdam Overheard by: Laughing in the back Cabbie, after getting cut off by another: Goddamn cabbies. –30th & 5th

Cut Your Losses and Run!

Girl: Oh my god! That guy over there across the street — I went out with him last Saturday! We made plans for this weekend, and when I asked him what was up he told me he had to go home to Long Island ’cause his grandmother was sick.
Guy friend: The one with his arm around that girl? Clearly, he was lying.
Girl: No shit. C’mon, let’s cross the street. They cross the street. Girl: Oh my god! Alex*! Wow, this is funny.
Alex: Oh… Jenny*… Hi… What are you doing here? Introductions are made all around. Jenny: So, how’s your grandmother? I take it you saw her this weekend?
Girl with Alex: Yeah, Alex, how is your grandmother? You saw her two weekends in a row? You are quite the devoted grandson.
Jenny’s guy friend: Dude, you are so fucked. –Lower East Side

Wednesday One-Liners for the Bush Administration

Man to crying woman he just chased down the street: What did you want me to do?! Lie and say that you’re a good writer? –25th & Madison Overheard by: Jocelyn Chick to friend: But I only lie when I know no one will find out! –Union Square Kid to friends, repeatedly: Yo — animals… They don’t know how to lie. –6th St, between 1st Ave & Ave A Overheard by: anthony recchia Bimbette: Yeah, I’ve been to hundreds of Catholic churches… I still lie. –St. Patrick’s Cathedral Overheard by: are you proud of this?

What Good Is Money If It Can’t Insulate Me from Other People?

Hobo: I have not eaten anything in three days and it’s freezing out. Could you find it in your heart to help me out?
Chick: I won’t give you money, but I will go into that deli and buy you dinner.
Hobo: Thank you so much. But I’m Jewish and if you don’t mind, I would really like a kosher sandwich from Mendy’s.
Chick: Oh, forget it — here’s five bucks! –34th & Park