Archive for the ‘Lies’ Category

I Looked Into The Abyss, and It Shit Itself

Geek: Well, she was dog-sitting and the dog died. The family, I guess, was someplace where they couldn’t get home, so she had to take care of it.
Dude: Take care of it?
Geek: Well, she was in Boston but didn’t have a car and didn’t know what to do with it because she couldn’t carry it, so she put it in a rolling suitcase to take it to the vet. On her way there, some guy saw her struggling with the bag and offered to help her carry it. When they were almost to the vet he asked what was in the bag, and, because I guess she didn’t think she could tell him that there was a dead dog in the bag, she said, ‘Electronics!’ Apparently, he looked at her, looked at the bag, punched her in the face, and ran off with the dog! Can you fucking believe it?! He stole the dead dog!
Quiet friend: … Did she have a black eye?
Dude: I can’t wait to talk to her when we get back to Boston so I can make fun of her! [Later…] I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face… Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork!

–Metro-North, New Haven line

Wednesday One-Liners Refuse A Polygraph

Guy: Yeah, and he lied to me about dying, too!

–Bedford Ave, Brooklyn

Girl: So what is your name going to be tonight?

–6th Ave & 57th St

Queer on cell: She tried to tell me that I was fatter than him — that muthafucka is the worst liar in the world!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: She was probably right…

Guy: I just told her, ‘Keep on fakin’ those orgasms!’

–7th Ave & 32nd St

Suit on cell in McDonald’s: Yeah, well, I’m in Connecticut right now…

–Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Blaine

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. I would never lie to you.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man exiting taxi: If anyone asks, we walked!

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kyle

I’ve Just Dated a Lot of Guys Who Really Loved Me

Queer: So, yeah, I told him I cheated on him.
Fag hag: Oh… So you don’t really love him, then.
Queer: You think so?
Fag hag: Oh, darling. When you really love someone…
Queer: I know, I know, you don’t cheat on them.
Fag hag: No! When you really love someone, you cheat and never tell.
Queer: You’re so ahead of me.

–Mercer & Broome St

Wednesday One-Liners, Damn Lies, and Statistics

Drunk British chick: She clucked and mooed, so I said twelve.

–Red Hook, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sam Jerman

Guy on cell: Did you know that one out of six people with scoliosis die every day? Yeah, I know… Ha! No, I’m just kidding. I made that up.

–Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Jay

Dude to chick: On a scale from one to cookie… you’re a seven.

–Central Park

Loud lady: I mean, how many times did I have my head between Greg’s legs? Only 12 or 13 times! Not that many times.

–Eugene O’Neill Theatre

Overheard by: tmoney

Black teen to his friends: Yo, I read the Bible nine times, and that shit contradicted itself like a motherfucker!

–Broadway & Steinway, Astoria