Archive for the ‘Madison Square Garden’ Category

Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: You know I can't come over, I'm a daddy now! I have a dog! He needs me 24/7. I can't leave his sight, not even for a second! I'm just out for a moment to buy him some food, but other than that…

–Crosstown Bus

Souvenir seller: Get your doggy diary! Get your puppy program! Get your beagle bible! Get your bulldog blog!

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Man at payphone: They tried to catch the hero dog, but he ran away.

–107 & West End

Overheard by: kdub

Half tone-deaf guy with guitar, singing: I'll marry you for your Green card, but I'll sleep with your sister cause she's prettier than you. She's 75 years old, never been touched by a man, let alone a dog…

–1 Train

Overheard by: CreateEvity

Man leaning out of car, to man walking Schnauzer: Excuse me…that's a Marmaduke?

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jeff S.

Woman on cell: If I don't get a dog soon I'm totally going to get pregnant.

–Wall Street

Wednesday One-Liners: Straight, Not Narrow

White woman to friend: Wow, this is a great place to meet straight people!

–Madison Square Garden

Dude to female passenger: If I was straight, I'd be hitting that, but I'm not straight, so I won't be hitting that.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Maggie

Yelling blonde: What's my type? He should be straight, that's my type.

–68th & Columbus

Amateur philosopher: If I wasn't straight, I'd totally be gay.

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Headaches

Teen girl to friend: They're not gay! They're just old!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Peter

I Think There's Something Wrong With My Wednesday One-Liner

Girl to friend: You mean the labia? No, that's a vagina part.

–13th & Ave B

Overheard by: Caroline

Woman to friend, in line for bathroom: I'm taking that medication that makes it really dry, again.

–Ethel Barrymore Theater

Overheard by: Crumb Doughnut

Cornelius, crazy hobo: Yo' pussy looks betta' than yo' face!

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Lily London & China Rose

Monotone suit on cell: That pussy better be ready by the time I get home.

–Houston & Broadway

Girl on cell waiting for Port Jefferson train: Okay, be serious for a second, how do you know if you're allergic to latex, though? Really, cause dead honest, it's a puffed mushroom right now. I don't know what to do. Should I go see someone, do you think Henry would notice? Really, what if I turn off the lights?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Chester

Wednesday One-Liners Fight for Their Right to Potty

Pissing guy on phone: What do you mean you're not going to have sex with me? (entire bathroom laughs hysterically) See! Even these motherfuckers agree with me!

–Bathroom, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Bobby

Dad to young son in bathroom stall: Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Aim in the bowl. Did you aim in the bowl? Did you aim in the bowl? (son comes out of stall) You did! But you didn't flush. One out of two ain't bad.

–Bathroom, Union Square Movie Theater

(constipation grunts and electronic sounds are heard inside next stall)
Guy in next stall, on walkie-talkie
: Hey, Tony, turn the walkie-talkie off when you take a shit!


–Men's Room, Hilton Hotel

Drunk white girl: Oh my god, this bathroom is so dark. How am I supposed to see my vagina?

–East Village

Tall black British guy using the urinal, to himself: Repeat aftah me…you are a rock star! Ah! Yeah!

–5th Avenue

Wednesday Fa La La La Liners

Nerdy middle aged white woman to postal clerk: Yes, I'd like just one sheet of the Disney, and one of the Kwanzaa.

–Cathedral Station Post Office

Overheard by: Emily B.

Woman yelling down a stairwell: Happy holidays to you, ma'am! Hope you choke on a candy cane!

–Central Park South

Overheard by: Daisy Mae

Girl: One morning, I woke up and I thought it was Christmas. Then I went outside and I realized it's not Christmas!

–57th & Columbus

Overheard by: Have a holly jolly Columbus Day?

Irish tourist woman: You went to Macy's? Did you see outside? They have black Santas here.

–Brendan's Bar

Overheard by: Danny

Old guy scanning tickets, singing quietly to self after each bar code beep: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!

Conductor on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we will be arriving shortly. In case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, feel free to stop by the Metro North booth. You could buy a 10-trip for the kids, a weekly for the wife, or a one-way for the in-laws. Merry Christmas.

–Metro North

Overheard by: Christmas Spirit

Eric Cartman: “Wednesday One-Liner My Authori-tay!”

Disrespectful dude: We don't respect our old people here. Just makes more sense.

–Penn Station

Boisterous, deep voiced, West Indian woman: Miss, if you want respect, you must give respect! (pause) What the fuck are you gonna do about it? (pause) Miss, we will fight and we will die on this bus!

–Bus, Church Ave

Overheard by: Dena C.

Conductor: Please step away from the doors. (pause) I'm asking you in a nice way to please step away from the doors. (pause) If you do it out of respect for me, or, um, I guess, you don't have to, but at least respect the other passengers.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Vivi

Guy: Yeah, I would never fart in her face, that's disrespectful.

–Madison Sqaure Garden

Overheard by: adelynn

Emphatic bakery delivery man to store manager: You guys don't respect my bread.

–46th St & 43rd Ave, Queens

Overheard by: Anna Rose

Guy on cell: I lost all respect for her after she fucked the ice cream man.

–Dust Bowl, Central Park

Overheard by: Jay Softe

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just Poor, They're Po'

Preppy guy: They say beggars can't be choosers, which makes sense, because we're choosers.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Annie

Red Table change collector guy: Help feed the homeless of New York! All it takes is a penny and a heart, you fucking assholes.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Bemused

Girl to friend: I thought of you the other day; I saw a homeless man's penis.

–Lucky Jack's, Orchard St.

Overheard by: Argopelter

Horny dude (after being rejected by a girl at the bar): I asked her if she wanted a drink and she gave me the look that I give to homeless people on the subway.

–79th & Broadway

Guy to girl sitting at a sidewalk cafe: I know, what is with her? She dresses like a homeless person. And not Mary-Kate Olsen homeless but I-think-I-saw-her-passed-out-in-an-alleyway-with-a-heroin-needle-sticking-out-of-her-arm- homeless.

–10th St & 2nd Ave

Girl, to guy who has just spat on floor: Don't do that! Homeless people sleep there!

–6 Train Station

Suspenders or Belt, Wednesday One-Liners?

Guy: Okay, we can invite him too, but you have to remind him that pants are a requirement, not a mild suggestion.

–Uptown 2 Train

Middle aged man at the end of police show (exhausted from dancing around the suite all night): Wow, I can't believe I kept my pants on!

–MSG Skybox

Overheard by: Russ Beef

Man to friend: And like, man I wasn't gonna drink anything, but I smoked like one hundred blunts and was so high and I was like taking my pants off and shit.

–1 Train

Overheard by: batou187

Ghetto guy to ghetto friends: I remember the day I got my Reeboks like I remember the day that I peed my pants…when I was too old to pee my pants.

–A train

Overheard by: Hannah

Guy on phone: I think that may be slightly humiliating though, if the pants actually come off. And someone feels the chicken cutlets inserted in your underpants for some added power.

–19th & 8th

Overheard by: Joey