Archive for the ‘Malls’ Category

Bowling for Wednesday One-Liner

Drunk thug, reflecting on his baby-mama's new man: I love motherfuckin' guns, and that's the bottom line, but I don't wanna go to jail.

–Bar, Cortelyou Road

Boy to limping blonde struggling to keep up: Oh my god, if you were a horse I would shoot you.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: The Game

Father to two small children, pulling them away from the register: C'mon, guys. Let's go before mommy shoots herself.

–Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway

Loud black girl: It's Manhattan, I don't have to worry about getting shot.

–NYU

Guy on cell: Hey man, aren't you tired of being shot?

–Queens Center Mall

Come on In– The Wednesday One-Liner Is Fine!

20-something chick: Sea captains doing table-service is never okay.

–A Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady on Bluetooth: Well, if you prove to everyone that your vagina is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!

–Brooklyn

Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: totheworld

Loud woman on escalator: No, you don't get it. When you're under water, you're not wet.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Burning Vegan

Middle-aged man watching seven-year old swimming deftly in shallow end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can drive. Can you? My feet can touch the bottom. Can yours?

–CUNY Swim Class

Overheard by: obyun

Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners

Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy!

–Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn

Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me?

–1st Ave & 3rd St

Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here… It'll be like Maury Povich.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: NOT the father

Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up.

–Q64 Bus

Overheard by: a people-grower

Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Jenn

Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me?

–2 Train

Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive."

–84th Drive, Queens

Wednesday One-Liners for Vanessa Hudgens

Girl on phone: Well then, riddle me this, smart guy: why'd I wake up naked?

–Smith & Sackett, Cobble Hill

Overheard by: Swimfan

Girl: Oh my god! I can't wait to see them naked!

–Elevator, Times Square Arts Center

Overheard by: Natalie

Museum worker: And then I woke up buck naked in a hotel, and there were pictures of me all over the room.

–Museum of Art and Design

Guy: No, I will not do it in here again. Just because I'm wearing nothing under my jacket, doesn't mean I'm going to flash a crowd of people in every store we enter. I've done it three times already. Get your rocks off some other way.

–Columbus Circle Mall Escalator

Overheard by: Martin

Drunk girl at NYU protest: I don't even know why I'm here, I just want to take off my clothes!

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: Lilo

Girl on train: Oh, hi! I didn't recognize you with your clothes on.

–A Train

Overheard by: Don't even wanna know

Girl on cell: So I'm gonna be naked, but that's okay, I'll be wearing rollerblades.

–N 4th & Bedford Ave

Wednesday One-Liners and Tigers and Bears–Oh, My!

Young woman to another: But do you know how big a horse dick is?

–5th Ave & Carroll, Park Slope

Girl: I'm really tired. I'm, like, an animal activist right now.

–Parking Lot, Broadway Mall

Overheard by: Lysa

Student: I'm not that sensitive. I can watch those videos where they like, torture the animal or whatever, and then I'll go eat it.

–Cardozo Law School

Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Panda?

–NYU Dining Hall

Columbia girl: I'd never have asked if I knew he was the one who'd killed it. But I didn't suspect him. Who'd spend their time strangling a gerbil?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Who'd have thought?

Guido to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.

–Penn Station

Lady on speaker: If you have an animal, please do not put it through the X-ray.

–LaGuardia Airport

Don't Get Mad. Get Wednesday One-Liners

Suit: It's at the point now it doesn't matter too much if my wife gets mad, it's the nanny I can't upset. (other men laugh and agree)

–Uptown A Train

Female employee: I do not want to go to anger management for a third time.

–115th & 5th

Overheard by: Tara

Girl to guy: You seem like the kind of person that would be mad if they got shot.

–Wildwood, Park Ave & 18th St

Overheard by: Sean

Mom to three-year-old son: You mad? You mad? Well, you know what "mad" is spelled backwards, right? "D-a-m." Ain't nothin' you can do about that.

–St. Nicholas Ave & 127th St

Overheard by: stella ho

Thug: She's just mad 'cause she's Mexican.

–Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Wendla B.

Hostess running out of restaurant: Angry couple who just left the bar! You forgot your credit card!

–The Village

Overheard by: DW

Ever Since That Bad Robo-Trip, They've Been Extra-Cautious with the Pharmaceuticals

Teen girl #1 (reading about Advil): “Take two for muscle aches.” Hm, is the stomach a muscle?
Teen girl #2: It's not a muscle, I think it's an organ.
Teen girl #1: It's not organ, it is so a muscle. I'm going to take two.
Teen guy: Yo, just go to Duane Reade and get some Pepto-Bismol before you hurt yourself.

–Bay Terrace Shopping Center

Overheard by: mets fan

Wednesday One-Liners, Capisce?

Guido: I once kept a clove of garlic in my mouth for a whole week.

–18th & 5th

Overheard by: Alistar Spencer

20-something to Guido friend: Dude, it's not my fault you look like a child molester.

–Meatpacking District

Overheard by: Sam

Guido with gelled hair to Guidette, as it starts to rain: I made $500 off this haircut, I am not getting it wet and ruined! No!

–Union Square

Guido on 'roids, to his three Guido friends: Yo, it don't matter if you fucked 5,000 girls! You suck a cock once, you a cock-sucker fo' life!

–Spumoni Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: POLA

Guido to another: Boy, breakdancing when you're high is impossible.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: baby g

Guido on cell: I have an extra queen-sized mattress at my place. I'll set up my camera, you'll come over with Sarah and fuck on it, and we can sell it as a porno afterwards. I don't see why this is so hard.

–St. Mark's & Ave. A