Archive for the ‘Man’s Best Friend’ Category

Commuting Can Be a Real Zoo

Conductor: Tickets, please. Oh, wow, is that a parrot?
Lady with parrot on her shoulder: Yes, it is. I take him out every mother's day to see my parents. He's on a leash, though, and won't make any noise.
Conductor: Okay, no problem. There's actually a cat in the next car and a dog in the one after that.
Parrot lady's kid: A cat in the next car?! Cats eat birds. One animal per car!
Conductor, deadpan: I've got bad news for you, kid–there's more animals on this car than just that parrot.
Casual observer, not looking up from his paper: Truer words have never been spoken. –Metro North

Who Let the Wednesday One-Liners Out?

Clerk: Man, people stink. That’s why I’m saying, ‘You want a friend, get a dog. Name it Chico. Only thing Chico won’t do for you is open his own can of dog food.’ –Duane Reade Black guy to friend: Man, what you gotta do is you gotta go down to the dog track and get it poppin’ with those extreme titties! –Bar, 5th Ave, Park Slope Happy hobo: I’m in Manhattan! I’m walkin’ down Prince Street! Hey, now I’m crossin’ Sullivan! Uh-oh, time to make a sound like a dog — woof! Woof! Woof! –Soho White girl on cell: DMX got in trouble for fighting dogs too? No, of course I didn’t know that. Where the fuck would you get the idea that I know what DMX does with his spare time? –114th & Broadway JAP: I never told her the dog licked her vibrator. –Coffee shop, Union Square

Poor Guy

Black man yelling at poster of Seal with a Shar-Pei: A black dude and a dog? A black dude and a dog?! Man… That shit is fucked up! Cute white girls like dogs. Black men don’t like cute little dogs! Shiiit.
Chick: He’s married to a white supermodel, you know. –Bus stop, 82nd & Broadway Overheard by: Carol

Wednesday One-Liners Get Some Pussy

Knitting girl: Don't let your drunk girlfriend name your cat, because eventually you will break up with her and then you'll have a cat with a stupid name. –The Point Knitting Cafe Overheard by: Heather Woman coming out of restroom, holding a bottle of liquid soap: You gotta keep the cat clean! –NYU Hospital Overheard by: A nurse who wish she wasn't sometimes!! Female tourist, to herself: There are nine ways to skin a cat, and I know all of them. –23rd & 8th Man to woman, arguing: Fuck you, Nina, that's the point. You're not taking my cat! –Central Park Old man to friend, during lunch: I don't like cats' attitudes. Unlike dogs, they can be so aloof. Especially to Jews… –Deli, 1st Ave Overheard by: Allison

I Looked Into The Abyss, and It Shit Itself

Geek: Well, she was dog-sitting and the dog died. The family, I guess, was someplace where they couldn’t get home, so she had to take care of it.
Dude: Take care of it?
Geek: Well, she was in Boston but didn’t have a car and didn’t know what to do with it because she couldn’t carry it, so she put it in a rolling suitcase to take it to the vet. On her way there, some guy saw her struggling with the bag and offered to help her carry it. When they were almost to the vet he asked what was in the bag, and, because I guess she didn’t think she could tell him that there was a dead dog in the bag, she said, ‘Electronics!’ Apparently, he looked at her, looked at the bag, punched her in the face, and ran off with the dog! Can you fucking believe it?! He stole the dead dog!
Quiet friend: … Did she have a black eye?
Dude: I can’t wait to talk to her when we get back to Boston so I can make fun of her! [Later…] I swear to God, if some girl I was fucking got knocked up, I would kill myself. Well, I would kill myself and then I would punch her in the face… Fuck, if she got pregnant, I would tear that baby out with a fork! –Metro-North, New Haven line