Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

CNN Needs More Scratching and Weave-Pulling

Black girl #1, after watching Eliot Spitzer’s apology: Did you see the wife? She was just standin’ there!
Black girl #2: That’s cause she’s not black. If that was me, I’da took off my ring and throwed it at his head.
Black girl #1: Mmmhmm. If she was black, she’d a keeped it real. –Edward R. Murrow High School

Wednesday One-liners, American Idols

Tourist: Oh my god! That’s Maggie Gyllenhaal. She’s like, actually walking down the street! –Magnolia Bakery Overheard by: Jessica Blackshear JAP: Do not mention that freaking African queen and her recycled husband! –The Prime Grill, 49th Street Twentysomething woman on cell: I’m gonna be late because I had to walk Drew Barrymore’s dog. –in front of American Apparel, 7th Ave

Bootylicious Wednesday One-Liners

Gay guy on cell: And they had the guy with the biggest butt stand next to the guy with the second-biggest butt! Seriously, what is wrong with them? –6th Ave & 12th Woman getting on a crowded train, looking for a seat: See, I told you there would be a lot of behinds on this train! –N Train Overheard by: Some behind lucky enough to find a seat. Thug to another: After I wipe his ass, I'm gonna beat his ass! –86th & Park Ave Woman on cell: So, what are you going to tell him? "Sorry, I can't marry you–your ass is broken"? –1st & 23 Teen to friend: Why didn't he use a tennis racket? It would have left that waffle fry look on your ass. –Bus to Penn Station Skipping tween girl to metrosexual father: I've seen your butt, you know! –72nd & Lexington Ave Overheard by: Shannon

Wednesday One-Liners for Stephen Colbert

Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a library …I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it…I don't know. –Gramercy Park Overheard by: POLA Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster! –Bryant Park Overheard by: Amy Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study! –Madison Ave & 40th St Overheard by: Casey Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass. –University St b/w 8th & Waverly Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married? –46th St & Madison Ave Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do 20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one. –27th St & Park Ave

“Roly Poly” Isn’t a Very Funny Pet Name

Guy #1: Dude, you’re fat as shit and getting balder by the minute, you really need to lock her in.
Guy #2: I don’t know man, she is super cool. She’s just so sensitive about everything.
Guy #1: Like what?
Guy #2: I make jokes that she doesn’t understand and gets mad really easily and takes everything so personal.
Guy #1: What do you mean?
Guy #2: Well…I guess she just doesn’t like it when I make fun of her. –4 train

Wednesday One-Liners Double Their Pleasure, Double Their Fun

65-year-old lady, in bikini top and Daisy Duke shorts, with belly hanging over: Of course I am bisexual…can't you see the view?" –49th St & 7th Ave Overheard by: NATE MATHIS Girl to guy: You can't be bisexual and married, John. That's, like, illegal! –50th b/w 8th & 9th Australian chic at bar: It's weird though, he reminds me so much of my ex-girlfriend. –Mexican Restaruant, Lower East Side Loud girl on cell: No, I did him, it was so good. (pause) Yeah, I fucked her too, she loved it. –Hillside & Edgerton Drunk lesbian: Why can't you be a girl or at least have a really big dick? –Bowery Ballroom

Wednesday One-Liners Carry Razor Blades and a Mirror

Thug on cell: Will I accept payment in what? In coke? Fuck no, I won’t accept an eight-ball as payment. No. No way, bitch, I don’t care how pure it is. Uh-uh, the only coke I do comes in five dollar rocks. I can’t afford to get hooked on that expensive shit. –49th & 7th Oveheard by: Prefers the expensive shit Drunk guy, to his date: The reason I’m buying all of this coke is so that we can fuck. –6th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Danielle Girl: Can you imagine saying your vows when you’re that coked up? –Remsen St, Brooklyn Heights Party girl: Oh my God, she took a picture of me one time while I was doing a line, and I was, like, so pissed! –Sheep’s Meadow, Central Park Dude: America runs on cocaine. –W Broadway Overheard by: ritajones Goth chick: I just want to buy some fucking groceries so we don’t spend all our money on coke. –Whole Foods, 14th St