Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

Doesn't It Go Against the Nature Of an Animal to Keep It Tethered?

Dude to hippie chick walking cat on leash: Yo, that's a funny looking dog you got there.
Hippie chick walking cat: That's 'cause he's a cat.
Dude: Why you walkin' a cat down the street in New York City?
Hippie chick walking cat: Cause back in Colorado, he was indoor-outdoor, and now that we've moved out here for a while I just can't keep him inside. But I can't let him roam free on the streets, so I take him for walks. I love him too much to keep cooped up. It, like, goes against the nature of an animal to keep him inside and not let him experience the world outside and not let him meet other animals and other people.
Dude, amazed: Marry me.

–12th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Yeah, I like weird chicks too

Wednesday One-Liners Won't Do This Again. 'Til Nex Time.

20-something girl to friend: I mean, my husband never asked me a direct question; so I never had to lie. He never said, "what were you doing today at 3 pm?" so I didn't ever have to respond,"screwing my new boyfriend in a Lower East Side apartment that we just rented."

–Max Cafe, Morningside Heights

Girl on cell: This time I'll respect the fact that you're engaged.

–St. Mark's & 1st

Overheard by: spead

White guy to Asian guy: But no sex, because she has a boyfriend… But head is okay…

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: GreenwichSandwich

Man shouting on cell: I'm a spic?! Well, you're a Jew! Besides, how was I supposed to know you had a husband?

–5th Ave & 90th St

30-something guy to another: So I asked this girl if she had any friends she could hook me up with and she responded with an emailed .pdf of names, pictures, phone numbers and a short blurb about each girl. The funniest part was this one girl, it said: "has boyfriend, will fuck other people."

–Union Square West

Overheard by: Brian

Mom's a Real New Yorker

Six-year-old girl #1: I'm going to David & Buster's with my dad.
Six-year-old girl #2: You have a dad!?
Six-year-old girl #1: Yeah, I have a dad. You make it sound like he died or something.
Six-year-old girl #2: But you said your mom isn't married.
Six-year-old girl #1: She isn't.
Six-year-old girl #2: Why not?
Six-year-old girl #1: Because she has a brain. That's what she says. Right, mom?

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Bread82

Translation: Would You Like to Fuck Me Back to Health?

Girl to coughing guy: Dude… Go to the doctor. You sound like the heroine of La Boheme right before the end of the third act.
Guy: Whatever that means?!
Girl: Means you're about to die of tuberculosis. Everyone in opera seems to die of tuberculosis. I mean, unless it's opera buffa, in which case everyone just ends up getting married after first switching places with really inadequate disguises… (pause) Sorry, ignore me…
Guy: No, that was quite interesting, actually…

–Mannes College of Music

Apparently Two Gays Don't Make a Straight

Drunk man #1: Oh my god, Lily Tomlin, man?
Drunk man #2: Yeah?
Drunk man #1: Yeah, really! Nine to Five? Awesome.
Drunk man #2: I didn't know.
Drunk man #1: Yeah, dude! She was in Blue Hawaii with Elvis.
Drunk man #2: I had no idea.
Drunk man #1: I wish I met her, man. She died right after she married Lou Reed.

–Grand Central Station

Good Luck Explaining This to the E.R. Doc, Wednesday One-Liner

Ghetto lady on phone waiting for bus: Ugh. I'm exhausted. I don't have the energy to stick my hands up your ass.

–Hunts Point

Dude on cell: I think he's the same guy who stuck the jar up his ass. (pause) Well, because the camera angle was the same, and the scar…

–108th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk gay man speaking to straight couple: So I'm at the wedding talking to my future cousin-in-law about how it's not gay if he likes things in his ass, and he said that's not his problem, his problem is asking her to cut her fingernails.

–26th b/w 9th & 10th

Female suit on cell: There was something going into that butt, did I not mention that?

–10th & Hudson