Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category

The Gospel According to Johanna

Preppy girl: He was nice — really successful, owns his own apartment… I just wasn’t into him. He kept trying to hook up and I just wanted to be left alone. He proceeded to jerk off into his pajama pants. Oh, and by the way, it took about 40 seconds. I didn’t even have enough time to react. He then rolled over and went to sleep in it! The worst part is that he’s still calling me. Hello, buddy — you jerked off into your own pants and slept in your own cum. Yeah, we’re not gonna work.
Guy friend: That’s awesome! Who can I tell next? –47th & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too. –Brooklyn Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off? –Bowling Green Station Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates! –Union Square Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea! –Outside Starbucks Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that? –Q Train Overheard by: Robert G.

Gap Kids?

Girl: The other day I saw a homeless guy masturbating in Union Square Park.
Guy: Well, where else was he going to do it? –Third Avenue North Residence, 3rd Avenue

Wednesday One-Liners Worry That Trucker Hats May Be Out

Hipster girl: I hate it when obviously uncool people wear flannel. –E Train Overheard by: dru Hipster girl: Shark Week is a week? It lasted like a month last year. –N 6th St, Williamsburg Frumpy hipster: No! Hipsters melt in the rain! –McCarren Park Pool, Greenpoint Hipster on cell: No, I've never heard of a nocturnal squirrel… Do you even… Wait, are you trying to tell me you're gay?! No? Well, this is awkward… –Central Park Hipster guy to another: Have you ever played with yourself under a blacklight? There's like all kinds of shit on your dick! –Union Hall Overheard by: Cass Frumpy mom, holding up item for hipster tween daughter: Catherine, is this ironic? –Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg

Omagah, It’s Wednesday One-Liners!

Gay man with a completely serious tone: It is going to take a lot of brownie mix and a lot of sex -but I am committed. –W 52nd & 9th Overheard by: I wish I knew what they were speaking about Queer: Well kids, it’s been great, but I gotta go. I have a meeting in a little bit and I want to masturbate first. –Wagner College Dinning Hall Queer: Anyone can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an exit. –Christopher Street Overheard by: Rose Fox Queer: And then I was so glad I miscarried because getting knocked up and being pregnant is like, such a hassle! –Sarah Lawrence College Overheard by: bitterfame Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out because a couple of bitchy fags sprayed you with alcohol? –23rd & 7th Black queer: My pillow is Gucci! Raaaaaah! [He beings to attack people with said Gucci pillow.] –Pillow Fight, Union Square Overheard by: Lillian Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was really great meeting you all. You are such an interesting group of people. [To one boy.] I’d love to see you in a speedo! –Hollywood Diner, 17th St & 6th Ave