Preppy guy to preppy friends: So then she's throwing these nerf balls at me while I'm furiously beating off on her couch…
–Chinatown
Girl: Masturbation's not really my thing, but I need to be more self-sufficient.
–N Train
Angst 20-something on cell: Ya, I miss riding my bike, it made my ass look so good… Fuck! I just want to go home, smoke some weed, and masturbate.
–Central Park
Overheard by: kate
Guy: I hope this bus gets caught in a traffic jam! (looks down out of window) You may see people jacking off in their cars.
–MegaBus, Top Deck
Overheard by: EuropanGal
20-something girl on cell: Yeah, he's a big dork. Ya know what else he uses? Calculators. But that's just to masturbate.
–Macdougal & 4th
Overheard by: Billy H.
Young women on cell: Oh. My. God! You will never guess who got married! (pause) The masturbator!
–Bryant Park
Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category
…Maybe He's Just Going through a Stage?
Middle-aged lady #1: I just caught him masturbating!
Middle-aged lady #2: In the show?
–Ladies Room, Gershwin Theater
As Depicted in the Epic Documentary Short Bust-a-Nut
Big guy: I read the other day on the internet that masturbating can really make you retarded.
Clerk: Really? (long pause) Wow!
–Porn Shop, Time Square
Overheard by: carepicha
Wednesday and the World One-Liners With You, Cry and You Cry Alone
Girl, loudly and enthusiastically: Everything I say is a joke!
–City Bakery, 18th St
Girl to guy: What's so funny? Did you fart?
–W 96th & Broadway
Overheard by: Megan W.
Santa, chasing scared teen: Do you think it's funny to throw things at people's heads? How about I break your face?
–42nd St
Girl: I'm really excited that, like, within our lifetime, there are gonna be funny movies about Obama.
–Manhattan Theatre Source
Overheard by: Emily B.
Laughing girl on phone: Come on, please! Please! Just take off your clothes and take pictures! (pause) Come on, mom, it would be so funny!
–Union Square
20-something skater guy to another: And then I started whackin' off, and it was hilarious.
–Broadway & E 10th St
Overheard by: Timothy
Eventually Monologues Become Dialogues
Girl #1: I love masturbating.
Girl #2: Yeah, I totally love touching my vagina!
–Sultana Hookah Bar
Overheard by: rich
Not When It's $100 for the First Ejaculation and $20 for Each Additional…
Young boy #1: But I can't hold it in!
Young boy #2: Just wait until we get to Grand Central.
Young boy #1: I can't, though. I got therapy. I'm into hitting people.
Young boy #2: And masturbating?
Young boy #1: Oh, yeah, masturbating. A lot.
Young boy #2: Man, therapy is the place to be!
–6 Train
Overheard by: pomy
Headline by: Roseknows
Runners-Up:
· “Every Session Has a Happy Ending!” – Derek
· “If Only I Had Issues..” – Moogley
· “It’s the Best Place To, You Know, Let It All Out” – Lukas
· “Sometimes You Just Gotta Pound Something!” – Therapy
· “The Doctor Says the Final Treatment Is Something Called “Donkey Punching”" – Sodajerk
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
While I'm Coming, I'm Like, “Heeeere's Johnny!”
Guy #1: I jack off and eat at the same time! It's easy!
Guy #2: What? How can you do that? That's gross!
Guy #1: I do it all the time! One hand on my pizza and the other on Johnny!
Guy #2: TMI!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Olee
Why E Is Bad, in a Nutshell
Hipster girl: So, we were talking about, like, Derrida, and like the universe, and then he just kissed me. It was so romantic.
Hipster gay guy, clearly not listening, staring into phone: Oh, so cute. So cute.
Hipster girl: James*, he kissed me!
Hipster gay guy: Woof, woof. Bark. Arf!
Hipster girl: What?
Hipster gay guy: I thought you were talking about a dog, so I chimed in.
Hipster girl: You need to stop doing E.
Hipster gay guy: It makes masturbating great, though.
–Columbia University
Like, Do You Get a Badge for It?
Chick: I mean, we could discuss the merits of jacking off over the toilet.
Dude: There are merits?
–Vol de Nuit, W 4th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: ultracondensed movies
All the Webcam Viewers Laugh, Though.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Want to see comedians?
Passer by: No.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Why not? Everyone loves to laugh!
Passer by: Still no, leave me alone.
Annoying comedy ticket seller: Well, if you don't like laughing, what do you do with your spare time?
Passer by, fed up: Masturbate!
–42nd & 8th