Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category

I Can Teach You, But I Have to Charge

Snappy white woman from Long Island to group of noisy black kids with a baby carriage: When are you guys getting off this bus? I need to know when. Just tell me what stop you’re getting off at so I can decide whether I need to catch another one. The baby’s mother has her breast out and is squeezing and batting it around, a look of glee on her face. The baby is fast asleep in the stroller. Mother: Look, milk comin’ out of it!!
Long Island woman: Seriously, when are you getting off? –M15 bus downtown Overheard by: hannah g

She's More Interested in the Facts Than Fox News

Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, entering subway car: That man in the brown jacket, who's gonna tell you not to give me money, he's the JonBenet Ramsey rapist.
Impressed observer, reaching for wallet: That was definitely worth a dollar.
Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, walking on: And then in Carrie, they put the blood on the people and then they jerked off the dog.
Impressed observer: I should have given her two dollars.

–Downtown D Train

Overheard by: stephie

Seminal Wednesday One-liners

Hip Hop Guy on cell: I’ll just keep my nuts shaved and everything’ll be fine. –Varick Street Coffee guy on phone: I’m not talking about whacking off, I’m talking about fried chicken! –Alt.coffee, Avenue A Overheard by: Dibson Hoffweiler

Wednesdsay Caniners

Middle-aged suit to another: You definitely don't want to be on the streets with three miniature Dachshunds on the loose.

–46th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: alexander

Guy at dinner with friends: No, slapping her ass isn't perverted, it's just inappropriate. Perverted would be jerking off onto my dog's face or some shit.

–23rd & 10th

Overheard by: Matt

White gay man to another: Every time I see a dog chained to a parking meter and the owner is like in the store, it makes me want to call the NAACP.

–M7 Bus

Overheard by: HarlemAllDay

Ghetto woman on cell: A Maltese dog. A Maltese! (pause) One of them little dogs that don't never grow.

–27th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Katherine

Flamboyant gay man to couple pushing bulldog in stroller: Oh my god! Your dog ate your baby!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Sarah

Wednesday Coughs Up Some One-Liners

Kid on cell: So I rubbed it really hard and really fast… and I made her throw up.

–Marble Hill High School

Drinker to friend, while playing flip cup: I will throw up in your pussy wagon.

–Whiskey Tavern, Chinatown

Woman: I'm really glad it wasn't the Prozac making her throw up… just her other meds.

–33rd St & Park Ave

Girl: My uterus is vomiting!

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

I Got Your Wednesday One-Liner– Swingin'

Skinny obnoxious blonde: Sheryl had a shirt that said "I love Wayne's dick." And I was like "Sheryl, why are you wearing that to the outback?"

–AMC Movie Theater

Girl to guy: Epic fail, you have a non-working dick.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Guy on cell: Hello, this is sweet dick. Can I speak to tight pussy?

–West Village

Man to another: So last night, I was playing with my dick, and…

–Times Square

Overheard by: Dusty F.

Man on cell: He don't answer to "Leon" no more. He is now "Dick Dastardly."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Muttley

Wednesday Tiny-One-Liners

Girl to boyfriend: Two years ago I saw your penis under a bright blue light. And it was small.

–Penn Station

Black guy to black friend: Her father does not want his daughter marrying someone from another race. What, is he scared that the kid will come out black and have a big nose? I'll tell you one thing–he'll have a big dick.

–Bowery & 1st St

Overheard by: Zach B

Man to girl beside him: Mine isn't that big. But it's big enough for what I need it for.

–6th Ave & 9th St

Girl to friend: He had a big penis. It scared me.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: s0uthard

Young teenage boy to another: You're telling me you have an 8.5 inch dick and you don't touch it?

–M21 Bus

Overheard by: zaarah

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Social Construct

Angry construction worker to befuddled construction worker: Don't look at me like that! Don't say that to me! Go home and fuck my wife, asshole!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jumana

Construction working to another: Man, I need to get me a bi girlfriend. She'd be lovin' me, and I'd be lovin' her friends.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Rich R.

Construction worker, singing: If there's a skeeter on your Peter/whack it off! (claps twice)

–Waverly Place & 5th Ave

Overheard by: steph

Tough construction worker, unloading van: Yo, I was up til like 2 am watchin' Scooby Doo Where Are You!

–Humboldt & Withers

Overheard by: francesca

Construction worker, staring up at construction skyscraper: It's all twisted. It's going to come down.

–Williams St

Overheard by: Sonya