Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category

The Gospel According to Johanna

Preppy girl: He was nice — really successful, owns his own apartment… I just wasn’t into him. He kept trying to hook up and I just wanted to be left alone. He proceeded to jerk off into his pajama pants. Oh, and by the way, it took about 40 seconds. I didn’t even have enough time to react. He then rolled over and went to sleep in it! The worst part is that he’s still calling me. Hello, buddy — you jerked off into your own pants and slept in your own cum. Yeah, we’re not gonna work.
Guy friend: That’s awesome! Who can I tell next? –47th & Lex

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too. –Brooklyn Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off? –Bowling Green Station Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates! –Union Square Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea! –Outside Starbucks Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that? –Q Train Overheard by: Robert G.

Gap Kids?

Girl: The other day I saw a homeless guy masturbating in Union Square Park.
Guy: Well, where else was he going to do it? –Third Avenue North Residence, 3rd Avenue

Wednesday One-Liners Worry That Trucker Hats May Be Out

Hipster girl: I hate it when obviously uncool people wear flannel. –E Train Overheard by: dru Hipster girl: Shark Week is a week? It lasted like a month last year. –N 6th St, Williamsburg Frumpy hipster: No! Hipsters melt in the rain! –McCarren Park Pool, Greenpoint Hipster on cell: No, I've never heard of a nocturnal squirrel… Do you even… Wait, are you trying to tell me you're gay?! No? Well, this is awkward… –Central Park Hipster guy to another: Have you ever played with yourself under a blacklight? There's like all kinds of shit on your dick! –Union Hall Overheard by: Cass Frumpy mom, holding up item for hipster tween daughter: Catherine, is this ironic? –Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg

Omagah, It’s Wednesday One-Liners!

Gay man with a completely serious tone: It is going to take a lot of brownie mix and a lot of sex -but I am committed. –W 52nd & 9th Overheard by: I wish I knew what they were speaking about Queer: Well kids, it’s been great, but I gotta go. I have a meeting in a little bit and I want to masturbate first. –Wagner College Dinning Hall Queer: Anyone can just leave. It takes a true queen to make an exit. –Christopher Street Overheard by: Rose Fox Queer: And then I was so glad I miscarried because getting knocked up and being pregnant is like, such a hassle! –Sarah Lawrence College Overheard by: bitterfame Gay guy on cell: So wait, you got kicked out because a couple of bitchy fags sprayed you with alcohol? –23rd & 7th Black queer: My pillow is Gucci! Raaaaaah! [He beings to attack people with said Gucci pillow.] –Pillow Fight, Union Square Overheard by: Lillian Old large gay man to group of young gays: It was really great meeting you all. You are such an interesting group of people. [To one boy.] I’d love to see you in a speedo! –Hollywood Diner, 17th St & 6th Ave

Someone Needs to Hire a Closet Organizer

Black teen boy #1: I think that dude is gay. His brother said that he saw him in the backyard with this other dude, who pulled his pants down and started jerking it right there.
Black teen boy #2: I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so this dude’s jerking off, and when he finally finishes, he shoots it right at the other dude.
Black teen boy #2: I told you, I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so he’s totally gay, because instead of beating him up, you know what he did?…No, instead of beating him up for shooting his shit on him, he pulled down his pants and peed on him.
Black teen boy #2: You are embarrassing yourself.
Black teen boy #1: That’s just what his brother told me. –Q train Woman: Okay, maybe your cousin’s not gay…but he’s more in touch with his inner faggot than any straight man I’ve ever known. –Key Food, 4th & A Teen girl #1: So she hooked up with him, and then a few months later he came out that he’s gay! So she hooked up with a gay guy!
Teen girl #2: Big deal, I’ve hooked up with like 3 gay guys. –2 train Guy #1: You know, I’m really into the color purple lately. Does that mean I’m gay?
Guy #2: Nah, purple’s all right with me.
Guy #1: Maybe it’s because of my childhood crush on Whoopi Goldberg. –Essex & Houston Guy #1: I’m not gay, dude.
Guy #2: Yes you are. I see you giving me those looks at work.
Guy #1: You know what? You’re right. So right here, right now, in front of God and the N train, will you go out wih me?
Guy #2: Shit man, I was kidding. You really are a fag. –N train Overheard by: Lydia Melamedas