Archive for the ‘Masturbation’ Category

Holy Wednesday One-Liners, Batman!

Agitated man: God gave you a penis and a road map to the world! You don't need maps!

–Washington Square & University Place

Tween: God wants me to get drunk tonight!

–3rd & Mercer

Four-year-old child to mother: Mommy! We have to go to church on Sunday. God is going to repent us on Sunday!

–R Train

Overheard by: Marie

Hobo: And then I fucked god!

–Heckscher Playground, Central Park

Overheard by: Shiki

Jewish girl to friend: Oy! My bagel looks like god jerked off on it.

–Guy & Gallards, 34th & Lexington

Overheard by: Awkwardly eating his breakfast

Drunk girl to drunk friend crying on her coat: It's always so hard when you lose your soulmate in the bathroom line, but it's like, god works in mysterious ways, you know.

–W Train

Overheard by: Wes

Let Me Guess… Was It a Tossed Salad?

Lady #1: Girl, it was the best salad I ever *had*! Baby, it was better than sex! All I gotta do is eat this salad and masturbate and I'm good to go!
Lady #2: I thought it was okay, but it wasn't better than sex.
Lady #1: That's 'cause you smoke too much and you burnt off all your taste buds. You taste things based on memory.

–W 26th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Jason

Wednesday One-Liners Worry That Trucker Hats May Be Out

Hipster girl: I hate it when obviously uncool people wear flannel.

–E Train

Overheard by: dru

Hipster girl: Shark Week is a week? It lasted like a month last year.

–N 6th St, Williamsburg

Frumpy hipster: No! Hipsters melt in the rain!

–McCarren Park Pool, Greenpoint

Hipster on cell: No, I've never heard of a nocturnal squirrel… Do you even… Wait, are you trying to tell me you're gay?! No? Well, this is awkward…

–Central Park

Hipster guy to another: Have you ever played with yourself under a blacklight? There's like all kinds of shit on your dick!

–Union Hall

Overheard by: Cass

Frumpy mom, holding up item for hipster tween daughter: Catherine, is this ironic?

–Beacon's Closet, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Long to Be THOUGHT of As Ferocious

Guy walking to rehearsal: I mean, he's really cute in that way that makes you want to hit him with a desk.

–Steinhardt Building, NYU

Middle school girl (about poster for condoms): Ewwww, at least they could've put cute gay guys!

–Q train

Overheard by: Robert

Vapid high school chick: Oh my god, I just found out that he's actually dating a freshman. And not even one of the cute ones either…she's like, brown.

–Central Park

Obviously gay boy screaming into cell: Jeremy, why the fuck didn't you tell me the massage therapist you sent me to does erotic massage? All I wanted was a place to relax! (pause) Yeah, halfway through he started jacking me off! (pause) Seriously? He never did that to you? (pause) Don't be offended. You're cute. He just could probably tell I have a big dick and couldn't keep his hands off it.

–Broadway & 20th St

Dude to friends: Did I tell you guys about the girl that I hooked up with the other night? She totally looked like a beaver… (awkward silence) …but I mean a really cute beaver.

–Ace Bar, 5th St b/w Ave A & Ave B

Overheard by: Santa's Boy Toy

Girl on cell: Tim's cute, I just wish he didn't love Jesus so much.

–N Train

Hey, Bra, Check Out These Sweet Wednesday One-Liners

Frat boy: That is the last time I am *ever* jacking off to gay porn.

–Gristedes, 42nd St

Overheard by: …while sober or drunk?

Frat boy to another frat boy staring intently at a young woman dressed as a Hogwarts student: I am really drunk!

–14th St & University Place

Midwest frat dude: The ugliest girls in New York City are like the hottest girls I've ever seen!

–St.Marks & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: slohmie

Frat boy: Dude, I'm not hating -I love gay guys. All I'm saying is -they buy a lot of Kosher wine.

–23rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Dina

Frat boy: We've had sex everywhere… In cars, in public places…I've seen her vagina more times than I've seen my mother's!

–Wagner College