Impossibly old lady in wheelchair: That's too bad. I don't like to stroll; I like to have a destination.
Caregiver lady pushing wheelchair: Where would you like to go, then?
Impossibly old lady in wheelchair: Bed!
–Prospect Park
Archive for the ‘Medical Workers’ Category
He Said It with an Ominous Voice and a Mr. Burns Finger-Touch
Elderly woman on stretcher: Is the ambulance heated?
Handlebar-mustached ambulance driver: Yes.
Elderly woman on stretcher: I’m gonna freeze to death.
Handlebar-mustached ambulance driver (smiling, tenderly): No, you’re gonna sweat to death.
–63rd b/w Park & Lexington
Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck
Tonight on E!: Rapper 50 Cent’s Given Name, Revealed
Nurse #1: I know, I still can’t believe she signed that name on the birth certificate.
Doctor: What name?
Nurse #2: When Dr. Smith* delivered the afterbirth, this mom said, ‘Oh my god, what is that?’ and Dr. Smith said, ‘That’s the placenta.’
Nurse #1: Yeah, and then the freakin’ idiot says, ‘That’s the most beautiful name I ever heard! I’m gonna name my baby Placenta.’
Doctor: No, don’t tell me–
Nurse #2: Yep.
Doctor: I’m sorry I asked.
–Hospital cafeteria
Overheard by: 2nd time gramma
Lucky His Mittens are Pinned to His Jacket
Health services assistant: Can I help you?
20-something male: Yeah, okay. See, so I woke up in a hospital this morning, and I have no idea how I got there, and I can’t find my Columbia ID card and so I can’t get back in the dorm.
Health services assistant: Um…
20-something male: My wallet had everything left in it except my ID card. I asked all over the hospital and no one knows where my ID card is. I asked everywhere.
Health services manager: Which hospital? St. Vincent’s?
20-something male: Yeah, St. Vincent’s.
Health services manager: Do you know who brought you there?
20-something male: No, I have no idea how I got there.
Health services manager: Um… So how can I help you?
20-something male: How can I find my ID card?
Health services manager: Maybe check with the Lost and Found at the hospital, or go to ID services and see if someone turned it in.
20-something male: Okay. Thanks. Bye.
–Columbia University Urgent Care Clinic
Here’s an Alka-Seltzer and a Dildo
Hot male nurse: Is there anything else that’s bothering you?
Drunk girl: Yeah, I want to puke, and I need to get laid.
–Saint Luke’s Hospital
Overheard by: evie
After Five Minutes of Me, You Are Going to Want to Change the Channel
Hispanic male hospital worker: You know what women hate? When men take forever and a day to finish. Let’s say the average woman likes five minutes of sex, but he keeps going and going and thirty minutes later she’s thinking, ‘Hey, let’s watch TV.’
Indian virgin hospital worker: We only like it for five minutes?
–Starbucks, 17th & 1st
Collect Them All! Trade With Your Friends!
Optometrist #1: So, I went to his myspace to find out who his babymomma was, right? And then he calls me and says I have AIDS.
Optometrist #2: Wait? AIDS? You mean HIV, right?
Optometrist #1: No, AIDS.
Optometrist #2: Well, then I get HIV. You can get AIDS, but I want HIV.
–Roosevelt Optometrists
‘Cause, Baby…You’s a Heartbreaker
Young man, after unsuccessfully hitting on young woman: Yo, a nurse’s job is to take care of the patients.
Young woman: Mmm hmm.
Young man: Yo, but I’ma be a nurse practitioner. They do the same thing doctors do.
Young woman: Oh?
Young man: I could perform heart surgery on you. Not legally. But I could do it.
–4 train, 2:30 AM
Overheard by: Brandon
…And Added Some Strychnine To Her Birth Control Pills
Pharmacist: You should probably re-sign your card.
Woman: Why?
Pharmacist: Well, you signed over the magnetic strip. You’re supposed to sign over the white part down here.
Woman: Then how would the machine read my signature? That doesn’t make any sense.
Pharmacist: No, it’s a magnetic strip. It reads the information, not the signature.
Woman: I don’t think you know what you’re talking about. That’s not how the machines work. You’re a pharmacist, not an electrician.
Then the pharmacist gave up.
–Zitomer, 76th & Madison
Overheard by: Helena
Wednesday One-liners M.D.
Chick: I got drunk and forgot to take out my last tampon; when the doctor fished it out it was all gray and smelled like Alpo. –6 train