Archive for the ‘Medicine’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Just Stand Around

Security guard: Oh, man, thank god for anti-depressants and alcohol! Nothing like Jack Daniels to get you through the day.

–The Met

Building security guard to mailman: Don't you think tv saved the world? Say you've got 10, 12, 14, 16 kids . . .

–William & Beekman

NYU security guard to long line of kids: A'ight kids, e-z passes out. Put your IDs in the air and wave them like you just don't care!

–College of Arts and Science, Washington Square Park

Security man: No photos in Tim Burton! No pictures, no photos! Tell a friend, tell a neighbor, tell someone you don't like!

–Tim Burton Exhibit, MoMA

Security guard: Have a nice day… Now get the hell out of here.

–JFK Airport

Translation: Would You Like to Fuck Me Back to Health?

Girl to coughing guy: Dude… Go to the doctor. You sound like the heroine of La Boheme right before the end of the third act.
Guy: Whatever that means?!
Girl: Means you're about to die of tuberculosis. Everyone in opera seems to die of tuberculosis. I mean, unless it's opera buffa, in which case everyone just ends up getting married after first switching places with really inadequate disguises… (pause) Sorry, ignore me…
Guy: No, that was quite interesting, actually…

–Mannes College of Music

Wednesday Accidentally Leaves a Sponge in the One-Liner

Woman: I told him I wasn't opposed to dinner just because he's had a vasectomy.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Meister

Preppy guy: They took cartilage out of his ear and put it in my nose.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

UES woman: I'm going to get my nails done, then get a colonoscopy in Queens.

–89th and Park

Overheard by: AeC and jRw

Woman on phone: Well, of course I got it removed
*(pause)
Woman
: It hurt like hell.


–Elevator in the Hudson Hotel

Guy on phone, Nnoz done: Hts okay – it's just routine anal surgery!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Tam

This Would Make an Awesome Screenplay

Woman #1, seated at bar in restaurant: My daughter told me she was going to finish med school, then her internship, and then her residency… but before going into practice she was going to take time off to “follow her dream.”
Woman #2, seated at bar: What's her dream?
Woman #1: To become a professional wrestler.

–Restaurant, West Village