Archive for the ‘Medicine’ Category

Craptacular Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: My identity has totally shifted, and so have my bowel movements.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: Mickey Smith

Girl to another: I took a shit in Starbucks… did you take a shit in Starbucks?

–Outside Starbucks

Woman to friend: There were no feces for (pause) two days.

–Canal and W Broadway

Overheard by: LizzieD

Girl in toilet stall, repeatedly: Someone pooped on the floor! This is so gross! Medieval freaks! And it's shaped like a dragon! Come here and look at it!

–New York Renaissance Fair

British woman to man she's walking with, as they look at a pigeon: Of course he doesn't have to sit down to poo, he's a bird!

–Washington Square South

Enraged crazy old lady feeding pigeons, to punk kid chasing pigeons: Eat the caca! Eat the caca!

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: ShaghouseGirls

The Little Black Wednesday One-Liner

Professor: I don't know why any of us are here… It's gorgeous out and there are very lovely ladies wearing minimal clothing!

–NYU

Overheard by: Ginger

College girl in short skirt to friend: My ass feels naked and exposed, that's how I feel.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld

Man to woman: She's really starting to perfect the "slutty flight attendant" look.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Glory

Woman, with pride: My gynecologist wears leather mini skirts and platform shoes!

–Park Slope

Female suit: I am the worst lawyer ever. That's why I dress like a slut. I always win.

–L Train

You Just Need Some Deep Wednesday One-Linerin'

Blonde girl: I can't believe he pulled his dick out. Except not really. Except kind of. Except I kind of had to put it back in.

–W 34th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: innocent bystander

Crazy hobo, to himself: Geritol. Yup, that's what she needs. That woman just likes some dick. And there ain't nothin wrong with that. Nothin wrong with a woman likin a long hard dick. Women like dick. Ain't nothing wrong with that. She's gonna get some Geritol all right. Cause see, you got to get it up in the crevices. Work it in with a little Bengay.

–Men's Bathroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Phil

Salvadoran guy, discussing use of the word "faggot": They can take a dick up their ass, they can take a fucking joke.

–Lawton St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Eric Frazier

Black guy: Man, I can't wear tight pants because I have a big dick! My dick needs to breathe! (holds himself)

–Penn Station

Female Central Park crossing guard: Das cuz da dick was great!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Robert H

And Who Are You?

College student #1, with Brooklyn meets Boston mystery accent: My uncle is a doctor. Well, he's like a doctor. I mean he works in a hospital, but you know, once you work in a hospital for 15 years you might as well be a doctor cause you know it all by then, anyway. Well, he says that food comas are real. Yeah, you know, it's like the cyanide in the turkey or something.
College student #2: I have no idea what you are talking about.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dara

What Happens When You Cheat on the Test

Dude #1: Dude, you're gonna love pediatrics!
Dude #2: Dude, I know. Dude! I was at the clinic, and there was this girl, you know, already laid back in the chair. She was waiting for something, I don't know, I don't know what she was waiting for, but she was already back in the chair, and… dude, she was sick hot. Like, she was a local, but she looked like a Dominican Jennifer Lopez.
Dude #1: Dude, you're gonna have so much fun with that!
Dude #2: I know, dude. I'm gonna fuckin lay my talons into that shit. Single moms? There are gonna be a ton of single moms! Third year? Good times, dude!
Dude #1: (chuckles into the stunned silences of dudes #3 and #4)
Dude #2: I'm glad I took ethics, dude. Shit, ethics? I didn't really learn a whole lot from ethics, dude.
Dudes #3 and #4: (amplified stunned silence)

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Lili

Fifth: Dick.

Young woman #1, before movie starts: I'm gonna go.
Young woman #2: Why? Don't go.
Young woman #1: I'm gonna meet up with my man.
Young woman #2: Come on! Don't you want to stay for the movie?
Young woman #1: I'm gonna leave now cause: first of all… booty call. Second of all… dick. Third of all… dick. Fourth… my man is sick and I have Tums with me.

–Movie, Bryant Park

“Young Adult” Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: No five-year-old should be asking for Chilean sea bass for dinner.

–Joralemon & Court

Dapper man on cell: You used to be able to pass for twenty… uh… eight.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Chuckell

Middle aged woman clutching Twilight book, trying to exit bus while reading: God! These novels for 13-year-olds make me hot!

–B7 Bus

Overheard by: i know, i love it too…

Prissy woman on cell: I don't care if he's six years old, he doesn't have to throw a fucking temper tantrum every time he wakes up. I mean, get over yourself.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Eric

Guy to friend: I'm thirty years old now. I'm over thirty. I don't know how to live. I'm an "adult" now. But I don't know how to live–without someone taking care of me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Jason B

Older woman to almost-dead father: Dad, the doctor told me I have a 45-year-old vagina!

–Manhattan Office

By the Time Chastity Got HIV, She'd Stepped It Up to a BMW

20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: What do you mean where was I last night?! Are you out of your damn mind? I took an Ambien and passed out at 9 pm! (pause) Yeah, you should be sorry, you asshole. I'll let you make it up to me with a new iPod for Christmas. (pause) No, the blue one! Ugh. I have to go back to work, but there better be an apology e-mail waiting at my desk.
Shocked coworker: Lindsey, you were dancing with me on tables until 4 am!
20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: Obvious! But I can't tell my boyfriend that. Then he will definitely know I hooked up with that gorgeous Australian.
Shocked coworker: Wow. That's impressive.
20-something preppy female on BlackBerry: Oh, please. That's nothing. Wait till the Monday inquisition, when I'll have to step it up to an iPhone!

–Starbucks