Archive for the ‘Men’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Will Hold Them Open with a Baby, If Need Be

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to take this time to remind you all that there are four doors on this subway. Four doors. So when you’re waiting to board or exit the train and everyone is crowded around one door, just remember that there are four doors. Say it with me now… One… Two… Three… Four… Very good. The magic number for today is four.

–E train

Conductor, to guy trying to hold the doors open at the station: Sir, this is not your train. I repeat, this is not your train.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Firestarter

Conductor: People, this is not an "I think I can" moment! Please stand clear of the closing doors!

–1 train

Overheard by: anna

Female conductor on 3 train, when doors don’t close: In the rear, whatever you have hanging out, pull it in!

–3 Train

Overheard by: J-Mo

Train conductor, to someone blocking the doors: Sure, whenever you’re ready, we’ll move this train out of the station.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Murtwah

Conductor: Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again]. Please stand clear the closing doors. [beep again, doors close. Then they open again.] Get yo’ foot out a de do’ foo’!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Nick

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer “Pleasantly Plump”

Guy on phone: That's not the problem, straight guys who are fatter than me get laid all the time.

–Time Warner Center

Man on cell: Of course I'll recognize you! Unless you got fat!

–Sheep's Meadow, Central Park

Gay black man: Uh uh. Girl, her fat ass will so not make it. You better not bring her here.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: fellow fatass

Excited young teen on cell: Dad! Guess what celebrity we just met?! The Weight Watchers lady! No, the old one! Yeah, Kirstie Alley! We got her autograph! She's real fat now! We met her in the chocolate store!

–W Broadway & Spring

Overheard by: JR

Fat chick: Do not tell me I'm not a size 4!

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Rich H

Wednesday One-Liners Ain't Got the Money, Honey

Older man, to no one in particular: That's why I keep my income low, so no one jumps me.

–Myrtle & Clinton, Brooklyn

Woman with scratch-off lotto card to friend: I won four dollars! I won four dollars! You know I can't spend that, though. I gotta get food for my kids. Those niggas be hungry!

–Staten Island Ferry

Angelic-looking teen girl screaming into cell: Are you coming to the movies with me? You're broke? Just mug someone on the way. Mug someone! (pause) Mug! M-u-g! Rhymes with "thug"!

–Chambers & West St

Puerto Rican dude on cell: I ain't got no money. I got weed, but I ain't got no money.

–25th St & 7th Ave

Village lady: She was in foreclosure before it was fashionable to be in foreclosure.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Ten Bucks Says the “Chick in the Restaurant” Was His Hand in a KFC Bathroom

Married guy on cell: So, last night I was out with this chick and she, like, went down on me in the restaurant. Then I went to the other room and saw this girl I used to date and we did it in the–
70-year-old lady, tapping guy on shoulder: –Excuse me, mister — the entire bus can hear your conversation.
Married guy on cell: Uh, I’ll call you back [disembarks as soon as possible].

–M1 bus

Overheard by: Ari