Archive for the ‘Midwesterners’ Category

A NY Story with a Midwest Conclusion

Hobo: Sorry to interrupt, but I’m starving. Please help me to get some candy and a soda.
Chick: How about a perfectly good pear? You know, if you’re so hungry. The hobo walks away angry and disgusted; 20 feet later he turns around to give her a dirty look. Chick: Obviously you’re not that hungry–and it’s called pop! –Washington Square Park Overheard by: James Lin

Why NY is not Minneapolis

Middle-aged man at the Minneapolis airport: “When Minnesota first got the lotto, they had the scratch-off lottery cards. I waited on line in a corner store, and the clerk asked me if I wanted to buy one and I said, ‘No. I do not play the lottery.’ The person behind me, as I was leaving, bought a ticket and won $1,000. The clerk turned to me and said, ‘See, you should have bought a ticket!’ and I said to her, ‘No, I’m glad I didn’t. Because I don’t play the lottery.'”

I Just Hope It's Not a Musical

Midwestern tourist lady #1: So last night we saw this great show, Fela!, about this musician. It was so moving, and I learned so much about that political situation…
Midwestern tourist lady #2: Which political situation?
Midwestern tourist lady #1: Well, you know, the political situation in Nigeria… And how Fela, like, helped to change it.
Midwestern tourist lady #2: But what was the situation?
Midwestern tourist lady #1: Just like, the political situation in Nigeria.
Midwestern tourist lady #2: I see. Well, I'll try to get tickets!

–F Train

….And Groom a Bit.

Middle-aged mid-western woman of a certain age #1, gesturing towards naked man and woman standing in doorway: Do they want us to walk through them?
Middle-aged mid-western woman of a certain age #2: Yes. Yes, I think that's the point.
Middle-aged mid-western woman of a certain age #1: Well, okay. (pause) But first I'm gonna eat a mint.

–MoMA, Marina Abramovic Exhibit

Overheard by: aaron(b)

Watch Wednesday One-Liners' Noses Grow!

Chubby Midwestern woman on cell: Yeah, I'm at Saks Fifth Avenue right now.

–Burger King

Overheard by: willy cheesesteak

Guy on cell: Yeah, I'm heading west on 23rd.

–1st Ave

Overheard by: Angela

Suit on cell, pacing around fountain: Yeah, baby I'm so sick, I could barely get out of bed this morning, I dragged myself to the kitchen. Didn't go to work or anything. Yeah, I think I'm just going to try to sleep it off, tonight. Guess dinner's off, sorry.

–Central Park Fountain

Overheard by: Knows Suits on cells are always lying

Man on cell, entering subway station: Yeah, I'm going to my limousine now, I'll talk to you later.

–Subway, 66th & Broadway

Dude in hoodie on cell, exiting subway: No, baby, I can't–I'm in Manhattan. No, I'm in Manhattan!

–86th St & 4th Ave, Bay Ridge

Man in jeans purchasing Doritos, on cell: Dude, I can't talk right now, I'm running in the marathon. Call you back in a few hours?

–Duane Reade, 87th & York

Overheard by: Upper East Sider

A Wednesday One-Liner to Remember

Midwestern mother to ticket vendor: Thank goodness for the bus, we've been in the hotel for four days because we can't walk anymore!

–50th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Kate

Ditz, singing and marching: It's a sidewalk, so I have to walk on it!

–St. Mark's & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Sarcastic, portly girl: Great, my two favorite things: walking and learning.

–Governor's Island Ferry

Crazy man in the middle of the street blocking traffic: Car are outlawed! Walk everywhere! I walked to China last week! I walked to Paris yesterday!

–18th & 3rd

Overheard by: Maria

Tough guy to another: I'm a little afraid to walk around with you 'cause it seems everyone you work with dies.

–PJ Clarke's

I'm Pretty Sure It Was the Mustache

20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #1: Yeah, I was told by one of my drama teachers once, way back in school, that I had the “passion and commitment to theater” that Hitler had.
(five-second pause)
20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #2
: Wow!

20-something Midwestern actress type transplant #1: No, it wasn't a compliment, she didn't like me very much.

–Chinese Restaurant, Astoria