Out of Wedlock Fun

His Baby’s Momma: He don’t pay child support. He don’t ever see her. That’s it! I’m calling his fucking parole officer! –West Village

Sick Not Funny

Mother (to son): Well, I thought you had beautiful legs, Greg. –Lower East Side

Distinguishing Characteristics

Where: E. 86th St. Mother to kindergartener: “You do too know who Derek Jeter is! He da one with da nice butt–BOOM!!”

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Junkie!

Ma: She said, “OK, Mommy!”. She took it like an angel. She’s really good at taking medicine. –D train

The Overprocessed Cow Flesh, However, is Feminine Enough

Where: Wendy’s, Caesar’s Bay Mom Customer: “Can you exchange this Kid’s Meal toy for me? I need something for a girl to play with.”

The Mother of Irony

Mom: What are you, stupid? 14 minus 34 is not 30 blocks. It’s ten!
Daughter: No it’s not.
Mom: Oh yeah, wait. It’s twenty. –3 Train Overheard by: Rehey11

A Little Potty Humor–Literally

Mother: When you go into the stall do not sit down on that toilet seat!
Girl: OK, Mommy. Mother closes the door and goes into the next stall. Girl: Mommy?
Mother: Yes?
Girl: I’m sittin’ all over this toilet!
Mother: Girl, I told you not to sit on that toilet! –Wendy’s ladies room, W. 34th and 8th Ave

Already Smarter Than Most Weathermen

Son: Is rain alien acid or regular acid?
Mom: Regular acid. –43 Street & 9th Avenue Overheard by: Ethan Knecht

“Fairy” is a Much More Polite Slur

Boy #1: Hey mom, is…is chicken meat?
Boy #2: No, dumbass, it’s a fruit.
Mother: Hush now! I don’t want to hear that language! –Central Park Overheard by: Blake Wyatt

Super-size Me, Mr. Bond

Daughter: You’re always humming that McDonalds song.
Mother: Huh?
Daughter: You know…”da da da da da I’m loooovin’ it.”
Mother: No, honey. Goldfinger. *Ba ra ba rum*
Daughter: Oh. –Central Park