Mother to two-year old son: Zachary, I am not continuing this discussion with you all day long! If you don't like what's in your mouth, just spit it out!
–Dunkin' Donuts
Nerdy Jewish Barnard girl on cell: I can just imagine it in my mouth, the taste of it.
–116th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Sully
Young boy running with soaked t-shirt: I need to be squirted! Somebody has to squirt me!
–89th St
Father to young daughter: Want me to squirt it in your mouth?
–Astoria
Overheard by: Mark
Foxy Fox news producer to another: I know you wanted something hard, so I slipped you Shively!
–Starbucks
Archive for the ‘Nerds’ Category
A Nasty Twist on The Three Little Pigs
Boy teen geek: You know when you push out too much shit you get hemorrhoids?
Girl teen geek: Yeah.
Boy teen geek: Well, that's what he did, pushed out too much shit and got nothing but hemorrhoids!
–Q Train
Overheard by: Blue
You'd Think It Was Another Country
Teen geek #1: I need a passport.
Teen geek #2: What for? You don't go to other countries.
Teen geek #1: I went to Canada!
Teen geek #2: Canada?! Canada doesn't count!
Teen geek #1: Canada totally counts! If you go to the French part, they speak French and stuff.
–F Train
Overheard by: jayloo who burst out laughing
Does a Threesome With Twins Break the Wednesday One-Liner Taboo?
Suit to another: He was just lucky not to be fucking someone in his family!
–Trump Building
Overheard by: Guess I'm lucky too
Gamer on headset: Dude, you are not listening to me. You can't hear me. You know why? Because you have no ears. You're the product of two retarded cousins fucking each other.
–Queens
Girl: He looks like my uncle… the one I'm really attracted to.
–Governors Island ferry
Overheard by: boring
Male passerby: I wouldn't fuck my family, but…
–4th Ave & 11th St
Overheard by: Jessica
British professor wearing bow tie: It's fascinating just how exciting incest is!
–Silver Center, NYU
Look What Happened to Ashlee Simpson
Nerdy hipster guy: So that simplifies to 400-350, which is…?
Clearly hungover girl: Unnngggggg, a hundred?
Very effeminate black friend: Damn, girl, whatever happened to you? Never go full retard!
–Starbucks, Midtown
Wednesday One-Liners Need to Be Consoled
Tech guy: It would suck to be a cow, then you couldn't play Street Fighter.
–Marymount Manhattan College
Blond girl, regarding Egyptian artifacts: This is just like a video game!
–The Met
Overheard by: Rachael and Ben
Mindless dude playing PSP: Damn! Why is this bitch calling me? (answers cell) What do you want, you made me stop my game! (pause) My game as in "my video game," psh! (pause) Shit, if I had any game I wouldn't be with a bitch that looks like you, now what do you want?
–A Train
Overheard by: token white chick
Ghetto kids, as 95-year-old Chinese lady walks into moving traffic: Damn, she think she playing Frogger!
–Chinatown
Friend to friend: I wonder how Super Mario Bros will influence my decision?
–Houston St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liner Repeats Itself
History geek: You laugh, but where would you be without the 18th century? The 20th century, not the 21st, that's where.
–New York Historical Society
Overheard by: Emily B.
Little boy looking at book about Presidents: I see John F. Kennedy, and I see Abraham Lincoln, and I see… what's his name? Hilary's wife?
–BookCourt, Brooklyn
20-something girl: There's this guy in my class who's like an Indian. But, I keep reading these things about how we were so horrible to the Indians and how there are none left, so where did he come from? Like, if there are none left, where did he come from?
–Rockefeller Center
Overheard by: Beth!
Woman to daughter: You know what Henry VIII ruled with? He ruled with his dick!
–Penn Station
Teenage girl on cell, yelling: Victorian era lesbians! Not Edwardian! Lesbians weren't nearly hot enough in the Edwardian era! Yeah, we should probably watch it together.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: I really hope it's porn
Wednesday Two-Faced Liners
Fat naked guy on cell in NYSC locker room: I'm just leaving the bank now.
–New York Sports Club
Girl on cell: Hello? Oh, hi mom. Yeah, yeah, it's really early here. Yeah, it's about two in the morning. Yeah, the Eiffel tower was beautiful. Yeah, right to the top. And then we had crepes, yeah.
–Columbia University
Guy at urinal: I'm walking toward baggage claim, where are you?
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Next urinal
Tweenybopper on phone: Hey, Xander? We're at my house. My mom says you and Corey can't come over. Sorry!
–Starbucks
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Grumpy old man, walking alone, on cell: I can't! I've got my grandson with me!
(pause) Bitch, why would I lie to you? (pause) Okay, love you too.
–Harlem
Wednesday's One-Liners Sell Themselves
Teenage nerd: My boss and my dealer have the same name. One time I called my boss asking for weed, and he was like "hey!" and I was like "yo, lemme cop" and he was like "I think you have the wrong number" and I hung up.
–Tompkins Square Park
Overheard by: joy
Yuppie 30-something in black coat and white scarf: I'm going crazy! I've got his dealer's number programmed into my phone, but I can't remember her name, so if I call, I won't know who to ask for. And you have to know who to ask for, or they'll think you're a cop!
–16th St & 7th Ave
Loud, mildly intoxicated girl at dinner: People who litter are so much worse than drug dealers.
–Brooklyn
Lady on cell: Tourism is the only industry that doesn't depend on drug cartels.
–14th St & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: Diaz
…Get Thee to a Punnery!
Nerdy guy #1: That dude is a total fag, anyway!
Nerdy girl: Uh, you can't call people fags…
Nerdy guy #2: Yeah! From now on, let's use “fog”.
Nerdy girl: That guy is such a fog?
Nerdy guy #1: Yeah… He will be mist.
(20 seconds later)
Nerdy girl: Wait! Missed? Mist? My god…
–NYU