Archive for the ‘Nerds’ Category

You Are Not Snoop Dogg, Charlie

11-year-old white kid to friends, in loud whisper: I was so high last night, I don't remember Suzy* saying she liked me.
Nerd friend: You were high last night?
11-year-old white kid: Yeah, I've been high every night this week!
Nerd friend: On what?
11-year-old white kid: Last night coke, night before LSD, night before e, and then weed for two nights before that.
Nerd friend: That's so cool!
Nerd girl near him: Weed? You're such a jackass! –L Train

The Only Thing That Could Make Rent Bearable.

Renthead #1: He wasn't *that* bad as Roger.
Renthead #2: Weren't you drunk last time you saw him?
Renthead #1: Yeah. That's probably why. When I'm drunk I'm more like “Oh, his hair's shiny,” rather than “Wow, he has no emotion.”
Renthead #2: His hair is shiny. (pause) Next time he's on as Roger, let's get drunk. –Nederlander Theatre

Wednesday One-Liners Didn't Mean It Like That

Mother to two-year old son: Zachary, I am not continuing this discussion with you all day long! If you don't like what's in your mouth, just spit it out! –Dunkin' Donuts Nerdy Jewish Barnard girl on cell: I can just imagine it in my mouth, the taste of it. –116th St & Broadway Overheard by: Sully Young boy running with soaked t-shirt: I need to be squirted! Somebody has to squirt me! –89th St Father to young daughter: Want me to squirt it in your mouth? –Astoria Overheard by: Mark Foxy Fox news producer to another: I know you wanted something hard, so I slipped you Shively! –Starbucks

Wednesday One-Liners Need to Be Consoled

Tech guy: It would suck to be a cow, then you couldn't play Street Fighter. –Marymount Manhattan College Blond girl, regarding Egyptian artifacts: This is just like a video game! –The Met Overheard by: Rachael and Ben Mindless dude playing PSP: Damn! Why is this bitch calling me? (answers cell) What do you want, you made me stop my game! (pause) My game as in "my video game," psh! (pause) Shit, if I had any game I wouldn't be with a bitch that looks like you, now what do you want? –A Train Overheard by: token white chick Ghetto kids, as 95-year-old Chinese lady walks into moving traffic: Damn, she think she playing Frogger! –Chinatown Friend to friend: I wonder how Super Mario Bros will influence my decision? –Houston St & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liner Repeats Itself

History geek: You laugh, but where would you be without the 18th century? The 20th century, not the 21st, that's where. –New York Historical Society Overheard by: Emily B. Little boy looking at book about Presidents: I see John F. Kennedy, and I see Abraham Lincoln, and I see… what's his name? Hilary's wife? –BookCourt, Brooklyn 20-something girl: There's this guy in my class who's like an Indian. But, I keep reading these things about how we were so horrible to the Indians and how there are none left, so where did he come from? Like, if there are none left, where did he come from? –Rockefeller Center Overheard by: Beth! Woman to daughter: You know what Henry VIII ruled with? He ruled with his dick! –Penn Station Teenage girl on cell, yelling: Victorian era lesbians! Not Edwardian! Lesbians weren't nearly hot enough in the Edwardian era! Yeah, we should probably watch it together. –Grand Central Overheard by: I really hope it's porn

Wednesday Two-Faced Liners

Fat naked guy on cell in NYSC locker room: I'm just leaving the bank now. –New York Sports Club Girl on cell: Hello? Oh, hi mom. Yeah, yeah, it's really early here. Yeah, it's about two in the morning. Yeah, the Eiffel tower was beautiful. Yeah, right to the top. And then we had crepes, yeah. –Columbia University Guy at urinal: I'm walking toward baggage claim, where are you? –LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: Next urinal Tweenybopper on phone: Hey, Xander? We're at my house. My mom says you and Corey can't come over. Sorry! –Starbucks Overheard by: Kaitlen Grumpy old man, walking alone, on cell: I can't! I've got my grandson with me!
(pause) Bitch, why would I lie to you? (pause) Okay, love you too. –Harlem

…Get Thee to a Punnery!

Nerdy guy #1: That dude is a total fag, anyway!
Nerdy girl: Uh, you can't call people fags…
Nerdy guy #2: Yeah! From now on, let's use “fog”.
Nerdy girl: That guy is such a fog?
Nerdy guy #1: Yeah… He will be mist.
(20 seconds later)
Nerdy girl: Wait! Missed? Mist? My god… –NYU