Archive for the ‘News’ Category

Americans Prefer to Learn About Other Countries by Invading Them

Female yuppie, looking at cover of New York Times: Wow. Look at that picture!
Male yuppie: What is it?
Female yuppie: It's like, some Al Qaeda guy walking in the water with all his guns and stuff.
Male yuppie: Where is he?
Female yuppie: I don't know. Algeria?
Male yuppie: I didn't know there was water in Algeria. –Crossroads Cafe, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Hope It's Just Like Riding a Bicycle

Douche on cell: I haven't had sex in 48 days and I feel like it's getting smaller. What should I do? –48th & 6th Ave Overheard by: Jnaz Really old man complaining to his wife: You'd rather watch CNN than have sex with me! –The Water Club, 30th & FDR Overheard by: Trying to have a romantic dinner date Pretty girl on cell: Yeah, I got this really bad toothache…my gums are sore too. (pause)
What do you mean what have I been putting in my mouth? (laughs) Well, nothing exciting, that's for sure! Maybe that's the problem. My mouth's probably going on strike cause it hasn't been getting any action. –F Train Overheard by: I wouldnt have minded putting something of mine in her mouth! Girl on phone: I mean, if I don't fuck him, who will? His bitch-ass girlfriend certainly won't. (pause) No, not even; she only got those piercings so she could put a fucking lock in it. –L Train Random guy outside bedroom window: Just because I won't sleep with you doesn't mean I don't love you! –Union Street, Brooklyn Overheard by: Casey

Strangely, She Then Mentioned a “Russian Judge” and a “German Judge”

Male Fordham student: I think I witnessed a girl getting bad news about either being pregnant or getting STDs!
Female Fordham student: How do you know?!
Male Fordham student: Because she was on the phone and I heard her say “wait, that's not possible, how could the results come back as that?” –Fordham University, Lincoln Center

You Want Wednesday One-Liners? We Got 'em!

Man handing out New York Post: New York Post! If you're illiterate, only 75 cents! If you only lookin at pictures, 50 cents! –6th Ave & W 8th St Overheard by: lady v Man selling cotton candy: Get your cotton candy here! Cotton candy! I got your all-natural blue fibers of sugar right here! Straight from the blue cotton fields of…Virginia! Cotton candy, here! –Shea Stadium Street perfume seller to browser: You like Vera Wang, princess? This is genuine Wang. –34th & 6th Overheard by: Weary Communter Street vendor: Hey, where are you ladies from? (two teenage girls walk by) Oh, that's cool, that's cool, I think I have a friend that lives there! –7th & 40th Overheard by: Tiffany AM New York guy: Sir, would you like a paper this morning? No? No? (shakes head and looks at the ground) I don't care. (pause) It's okay, I don't care. –145th & St. Nich Overheard by: sorry charlie Fake purse salesman: Gucci makes the coochie go woo woo! –Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Make “Unsafe Requests”

Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse! –Battery Park NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried. –NYU Bus AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise! –Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes! –43rd & Lexington Overheard by: Dan J Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer! –Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City