Archive for the ‘Nostalgia’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Clean Everything Up Before Their Parents Get Back

Black woman in trashy outfit: And he said "But the party just started, bitch, I'll take you in a few hours!" and I was like, "Nigga please! My water just broke!"

–Lower East Side

Asian bimbo on cell: I just spoke to Percy and allegedly they threw a party after we were fired, to celebrate us getting fired…but we're people too.

–181 & St Nicholas

Overheard by: must not have liked you

Hipster girl: My all-time dream is to be shot by the cobra snake at a party, with a cig in my hand and Paul* between my thighs.

–NYU Dorm

Overheard by: Dayn

Tattooed guy on iPhone: Yeah, I'm bringing a 250-foot Slip 'N Slide!

–7th & 13th St

Overheard by: can I come to that party?

Loud man on cell: Yo, son! Why didn't you invite to your party? Damn…c'mon! Remember that time the chick in a wheelchair was working us in the cab? Yeah, she was in a wheelchair! Remember we got a cab for her and put her in the cab? That's right–that was me! She was giving us both head.

–BBQ Restroom, 8th Ave, Chelsea

20-something woman: Wait…when is it a rule to give the host a handjob?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Jazz

Wednesday One-Liners Are Carrying Low

Guy: I had to yell at her and tell her that she couldn’t be pregnant — I mean, dude, that was last week.

–St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Preggers to male friend: And that asshole came up and body-slammed me on the train platform! Of course, everyone was looking at me like I’m the animal. How can you body-slam a woman who’s seven months pregnant and not feel bad?

–D train

Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan

Preggers to lady pushing to get to cupcake table: Lady, I am four months pregnant. Getting between me and those cupcakes is a really, really good way to lose an arm.

–Magnolia Bakery

Snotty actress: Oh my gosh, she is such a good writer for my acting type. Her script is so like, like — pregnant with promise.

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: Emilia

Girl on phone: No, I can’t have sex with you. Because then if I got pregnant I’d have to be like, ‘Whose baby is it? Well, let’s see — is it black, white, brown…?’

–Grand Central Station

British mother to young son: Do you know what I had to eat when I was pregnant with you, Bill? Buns! Buns! Buns! Buns! That’s why you’re mad about buns. [To daughter] And that’s why you like brown things.

–Varick & King St

Young woman to friends: And she keeps getting pregnant, and I’m like, ‘Stop it, woman!’

–Columbia campus

Overheard by: Cheney

And She’s Not Your Real Mother

Father: That’s the hotel where your mother and I stayed.
Girl: Where?
Father, pointing: There.
Girl: Is that a hotel?
Father: No.
Girl: Oh.
Father: So, obviously we didn’t stay there. You should learn to listen.

–6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Angie

Wednesday One-Liners for Comic Book Guy

Hipster girl: I want a cape. Capes are so in right now.

–L train

Overheard by: me

Girl on phone: So, today I was on my way to class and I saw a transvestite dressed as Wonder Woman. No, I don’t think he was going to class.

–NYU residence hall, Lafayette St

Metro newspaper man: I’m not Superman, I’m not Spiderman, I’m not Batman. I’m the Metro Man. Get your paper.

–34th St & Broadway

Overheard by: confabulation nation

Guy: I was like, "That’s you! My arch drinking nemesis."

–LIRR, Jamaica

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Girl: He’s like sexual kryptonite!

–2nd St & Ave A

Overheard by: Wondering who she was talking about

Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive

Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!

–Hostos Faculty Dining Room

Overheard by: glad she's leaving

Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food

Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: allison

Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.

–Upper West Side

Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry.

–95th & 2nd