Boyfriend: Hey, didn't we get in a huge fight right around here?
Girlfriend: Yes.
–7th St & 1st Ave
Archive for the ‘Nostalgia’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Go Directly to My Thighs
Teeny tiny gay guy: I used to be so skinny in high school.
–Staten Island
Teenage girl to another: I mean, why bother to eat anything if you're just gonna shit it all out?
–L Train
Woman carrying baby to friend: Also, I burn an extra 500 calories a day just by breastfeeding!
–5th Ave & 16th St
Overheard by: Tracy
20-something guy, about Sour Patch Kids gummy candy: They're fat-free, so they're good for you!
–4 Train
Six-year-old girl, eating bagel: All of the fat from this is going to go straight to my ass!
–A Train
Overheard by: that's just great
You Know That Was the Anniversary Of Our Third Open-Mouthed Kiss.
Guy, as scoreboard shows highlight of Derek Jeter diving into the crowd: Do you remember what day that was?
Girl: What day was that?
Guy: Why are you being a bitch?
–Yankee Stadium
Overheard by: Anthony
Wednesday One-Liners Grow Hair on Their Palms
Preppy guy to preppy friends: So then she's throwing these nerf balls at me while I'm furiously beating off on her couch…
–Chinatown
Girl: Masturbation's not really my thing, but I need to be more self-sufficient.
–N Train
Angst 20-something on cell: Ya, I miss riding my bike, it made my ass look so good… Fuck! I just want to go home, smoke some weed, and masturbate.
–Central Park
Overheard by: kate
Guy: I hope this bus gets caught in a traffic jam! (looks down out of window) You may see people jacking off in their cars.
–MegaBus, Top Deck
Overheard by: EuropanGal
20-something girl on cell: Yeah, he's a big dork. Ya know what else he uses? Calculators. But that's just to masturbate.
–Macdougal & 4th
Overheard by: Billy H.
Young women on cell: Oh. My. God! You will never guess who got married! (pause) The masturbator!
–Bryant Park
Is Anyone Crazier Than White People? Discuss.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: How's she going to run a marathon in 60 minutes?
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, indifferently: It's impossible.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, not even those crazy black people can run that fast.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend, unfazed: I know.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I mean, I can't even drive that fast in the city!
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: Um… I hope you can go 26 miles in one hour.
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: Oh, right. I'm sorry. I was thinking 60 miles an hour. It's the vodka talking. Now kiss me once nicely, without whiskers.
(two minutes later)
Intelligent-looking girlfriend: I remember the first time I showered with you and I had this big snot coming out my nose.
Intelligent-looking boyfriend: I remember the first time I slept with you, and farted a lot.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rick
Wednesdays Feel Virtuous When They Don't Eat One-Liners
Weird hobo: Ladies and gentleman, I am a disabled Vietnam vet. I'm asking help from all of you so I don't wind up on the streets. While in Vietnam, I was exposed to Agent Orange, which caused me my disability–I became a vegetarian.
–Downtown 3 Train
Overheard by: An Amused Former Vegetarian
Aging hippie to woman spouting PETA propaganda: I've been a vegan for 30 years. You're embarrassing me. Why do you do that?
–F Train
Overheard by: AeC
Guy: Yo, I'm vegetarian now, I don't eat no meat, but man I love that chicken. That chicken just keeps comin' back to me!
–Manna's
Overheard by: eatinginharlem
Crazy-looking woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was totally a vegetarian yesterday. Like literally, I ate no meat.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Meat Eater
Clueless 20-something female: Do you have another menu? I'm a vegan.
–Brother Jimmy's BBQ, 31st St
Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive
Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!
–Hostos Faculty Dining Room
Overheard by: glad she's leaving
Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food
Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then…
–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: allison
Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.
–Upper West Side
Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry.
–95th & 2nd
Let a Smile Be Your Wednesday One-Liner
Guy on cell: How can you be happy if you're acting like such a bitch all time?
–Melrose Ave & 154th St
Puerto Rican barista, as A-Team music starts playing: The A-Team! Man, that makes me think of when I was young and still happy!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Chris K.
30-something woman: I'm going to see Transformers. Transformers! Daa naa na naaa! You have to be happy in life, everybody is dying.
–34th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: Frank Molla
Girl on cell, vehemently: I'm trying brown eyeliner. I hope this makes you happy!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Ashley
20-something girl: Just put some alcohol in me and I'll be happy.
–St. Mark's Place
And Only I Am Escaped Alone to Tell Thee
20-something girl: You know what I miss? The 90s.
20-something gay guy: Oh, hell no, girl. Do you remember the hair? People had all that damn Aqua-Net left over from the 80s and didn't know what to do with it!
–NYU
Overheard by: Chris
You Can Take the Girl Out Of the Island…
Guy: So what was our plan again? Have a drink and then go for a drive?
Girl: It'll be just like we're living in Long Island again!
–26th & 8th