Archive for the ‘Not New York’ Category

Why NY is not Minneapolis

Middle-aged man at the Minneapolis airport: “When Minnesota first got the lotto, they had the scratch-off lottery cards. I waited on line in a corner store, and the clerk asked me if I wanted to buy one and I said, ‘No. I do not play the lottery.’ The person behind me, as I was leaving, bought a ticket and won $1,000. The clerk turned to me and said, ‘See, you should have bought a ticket!’ and I said to her, ‘No, I’m glad I didn’t. Because I don’t play the lottery.'”

You Can’t Tell, But We’re Cyber-blushing

Guy #1: Dude, I was at work today, just shootin’ the shit, killin’ some extra time, and I came across the fucking coolest website.
Guy #2: Oh yeah?
Guy #1: Yeah, it’s called It’s just all these little snippets of overheard conversations, they’re fuckin’ hilarious! –Irvine Spectrum, Irvine, California

Where Do You Stand on Honky Tonk Bars?

Female lawyer #1: So we stopped and ate at Cracker Barrel.
Female lawyer #2: Oh, my husband loves Cracker Barrel!
Male lawyer #1: How come it's okay to have a restaurant named Cracker Barrel, but when there was a restaurant chain called Sambo's, they were forced to change their name?
Male lawyer #2: And what about the Washington Redskins?
Male lawyer #1: Yeah, imagine if they had a team named The Darkies?
Male lawyer #2: So how come nobody forces the Redskins to change their name?
Male lawyer #1: Cause, when's the last time you saw a mob of Indians kick someone's ass?
Male lawyer #2: Custer?
Male lawyer #1: I rest my case.
Female lawyer #2: And just what does any of this have to do with Cracker Barrel?
Male lawyer #1: You ever take a look at who eats there? –Civil Court, Sutphin Boulevard, Jamaica Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-Liners– As Far As You Know

Man on cell, coming out of The Dark Knight: I'm sorry that I couldn't pick up your call, I was in a very important meeting with a client. –Lowes Movie Theater, 68th & Broadway Guy on cell walking out of subway entrance: I'm getting on the subway now. –Park Place & Church Street Overheard by: Rich Mintz Female suit on cell: Well, I can't talk long, I'm about to get on a plane. Yeah, JFK. –Battery Park Overheard by: pop pop Overweight woman to daughter in pink tutu: You made me come here! Don't lie! Don't lie! Don't lie! –Ikea, Redhook Overheard by: Emily B. Annoying anchor: I'm writing a newscast. I don't have time to check facts. –CBS News Headquarters, 57th St Overheard by: The Shadow News Bunny

Are You Pre-op or Post-op, Wednesday One-Liners?

Pragmatic bouncer: Well, there weren’t enough women there, so we threw in a tranny… –Broadway Caribou Coffee Overheard by: jenny Lui Man, to friend: So, he says to me "Oh, I have a sex-change operation scheduled for that day, so I can’t make it." –46th, b/w 8th & 9th Overheard by: christine 30-something woman with nose ring, on cell: She’s like a transvestite… And an ugly bird. She’s like a transvestite and an emu. [pause] It’s a really ugly bird. –7th Ave Overheard by: James from Jersey Guy: So then I was like, suck my twat! –21st & 6th 20-something girl: I had him as both a man and a woman. –17th St & 5th Ave Overheard by: Tater Dude: It’s been ages since I had testicles! –Grand Sichuan, St. Mark’s Place Overheard by: Rose Fox

The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just going to stay home and make babies. –1 Train College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies. –40th & 8th Ave Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace Girl on phone: I’m going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn’t gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there’s something pecking through my wall! I’m really freaked out! –Bleecker and Lafayette Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me? –St Marks Place, Staten Island Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don’t she just be a … doctor! –52nd & 7th Professor: 42-year-old babies don’t have bones. –Schenectady County Community College

Wednesday One-Liners Need a Homing Device

Late-20s woman: Up until six months ago, I thought Europe was a country. I just didn’t know… –6 train Overheard by: 21 and knows better Social butterfly: Williamsburg? Where is that? Pennsylvania? –Broadway & Bond Overheard by: the bfd Dude: What? You’re not from Illinois, you’re from Chicago! –Cheesecake Factory Female tourist: Where’s Chicago, again? Oh, that’s here in New York, right? –Outside Yankee Stadium Overheard by: Genissimo Astonished woman: Los Angeles is not a state! –Outside Javits Center Overheard by: Tara Asian tourist chick: Is this considered the West coast? –Max Brenner, Union Square

Rabbi: No, that’s Totally Cool

Italian dude #1: No, it’s called Shalom in the Home. They send this Jewish guy in to tell you right from wrong.
Italian dude #2: They send some Jewish guy into your house?
Italian dude #1: Yeah, they send a Jewish guy in to, like, tell you if you’re doing something wrong.
Italian dude #2: So if you’re smokin’ crack, he’s all, ‘Don’t do that!’? –Cooper & 67th, Glendale Overheard by: Kimberlee