Archive for the ‘Office’ Category

There Was an Incident With the Natives

Receptionist: Hi, I'm calling from Bridgehampton, New York and would like to invite to a gallery event we are having in Southampton this weekend.
New York woman: Oh… is that in the Hamptons?
Receptionist: Why, yes, it is.
New York woman: Well… we don't go to that shithole anymore! (hangs up)
Receptionist: Thank you for you time. –Publication Office

Witness Protection Rule #198: When Asked about Your Past, Act Stoned

Boss calling out from office: Eric*, what’s your city of birth?
Employee #1: Oh, I don’t know. I put down a variety of places.
Employee #2: You don’t know your city of birth?
Employee #1: Well, it’s either the town or the city it’s near… The place… It’s like an umbrella.
Employee #2: Oh. –Hedge fund office, 57th & 5th Overheard by: the silent temp

Wednesday One-Liners Use American Psycho As Porn

Suit: Did they tip their 45s to their homies? –Park Avenue Overheard by: SuperVixen Suit on phone: 500 milligrams? That's nothing. First, you need to start looking at the definition of possession… –Broadway & Reade Suit to little son: I need to teach you the difference between "homos" and "hobos." You'll understand easily, (giggles) …not much of a difference. –Doctor's Office, Carrol Gardens Suit on phone, snickering: Your posts are turd sandwiches! –4th Ave & 13th St Overheard by: ris Suit on cell: I say go for it. You're rich, she's hungry. What could be more perfect? –47th St & 6th Ave Overheard by: Adrienne

Wait, Back Up. Why Can’t You Go Anymore?

Female employee #1: You need to go to church.
Female employee #2: Hell no, I can’t go to church anymore [laughs mischievously].
Female employee #1: You don’t go to church?
Female employee #2: Uh-uh.
Female employee #1: Whatever! Yo, at my church, like, gangs and shit be comin’ on Sundays. The Crips are all on one side and the Bloods all on the other. It’s crazy. They be wearin’ their colors and shit, too. –Century 21

There's a Wednesday One-Liner in My Hair! Get It Out! Get It Out!

Guy: I don't think bees even have vaginas. –23rd & 3rd Suit to another: I want him scrutinized. At a gnat's ass level! –Midtown Office Middle school thug: I been radioactivatin' spiders in my kitchen. –C Train Overheard by: Emily B. Mother to five-year-old boy: No, you can't buy grandma a plastic spider for Christmas! –74th St & Broadway Overheard by: Harriet Vane's Husband Guy on cell: Hey, did I tell you I got drunk last night and ordered 1,500 ladybugs off the internet? –Brooklyn Overheard by: Ashley

Wednesday One-liners Are in the Wrong Line of Work

Jamaican lady: You fucker! I sell drugs for the Police. They call them dealers because they make deals. I made a deal. Do you pay me? Am I your employee? Fuck you, brush your teeth! –F train Overheard by: z0mb13 Guy on cell: I’m off today. I ran over one of the kids with the bus. –72nd & 1st Overheard by: Todd Horan Trader: I’m almost wishing to come back in my next life as the Jewish wife of a Jewish husband. –Madison Avenue office Man on cell: She’s got a summer job editing Harlequin romance novels. Yeah, which goes so well with…you know…her divinity degree. –118th & Broadway Security guard: One of my feet has five fingers less than the other one, but I don’t claim disability. I work three jobs: model, actor and security guard, I’m not stopping until I make fifty-two million. –F train Overheard by: Nico Westerdale Store chick: I’m just sampling the food so I can explain to customers why it’s so expensive. –Whole Foods, Union Square Overheard by: jexe

It’s All Greek to Me

Businessguy: It’s a small world.
Businesschick: Especially in Astoria!
Businessguy: Ha, ha, ha!
Businesschick: Hee, hee. –Midtown office

Pencil Envy

A boss approaches his employee, holding up two pieces of lead for a retractable pencil. Boss: I don’t ask you to do much, but can you tell me which one of these is bigger? –UES Overheard by: Mindi Laine