Archive for the ‘Office’ Category

With Wednesday One-Liners Like These, Who Needs Enemies?

Guy pouring himself cup of coffee to guy watching: You and I just really need to have a huge fight. I think that's the only way we can truly be friends.

–Fox News Breakroom

Overheard by: CreateEvity

College girl on cell: I'm a real-life imaginary friend to two different people.

–Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Am I Imaginary?

Soft-spoken thug on cell: I don't want to upset my baby momma, but I don't want to lose you as a friend.

–123rd & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Girl on phone: His name isn't CJ, it's JP. He wants to be friends with me, I'm gonna friend the heck outta him!

–Lafayette & White

Loud gay guy: So he asks me, "are we still just friends?" and I'm like, "umm, your dick was just in my mouth. Thats not what just friends do."

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Ricardo the Sex Machine

Suit to hot chick: So what's your take on the bottled water companies? Friend or foe?

–Odeon, Thomas & Broadway

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Or Have the Pigeons Grown Weary Of My Great Depression Stories?

Gramps: Those bags from the store…
(children and mother laugh).
Mother
: You're talking very loud.

Gramps: What–are we in church? Did I wake somebody up?
(children and mother continue laughing)
Gramps
: What did I do wrong? Should I go sit outside?


–Doctor's Office, Central Park West

Overheard by: Erick B

The Passion Of the Wednesday One-Liner

Art humanities professor: As you may have learned from the bible or emo music, Jesus was crucified.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Molly Moo

Suit to another: Wow, there used to be a forest on your head. You look like an Irish Jesus.

–Office Building, 8th Ave

Overheard by: sitting in my cube with my ears wide open

Chick in miniskirt and fishnets: Fuck, it's cold! Jesus forgot to pay his heating bill!

–St. Mark's Place & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Amber Star

Man to friend as they cross an intersection: Jesus Christ used to walk everywhere, so why can't we? You know whah-I'm-sayin'?

–Midtown

Overheard by: Ferna

Screaming fan girl, watching Robert Patterson sparkling shirtless in the sunlight: He's Jesus!

–14th St Regal Cinemas

Overheard by: laughing despite herself

Asian chick: Does he praise Jesus? Does he drink Scotch?

–Dallas BBQ, Chelsea

Overheard by: Shringle

Don't Worry, There'll Be a New Evil Empire Before You Know It

Coworker #1: When I studied abroad in Germany I was…
Coworker #2 (interrupting): Oh, did you see the Great Wall?
Coworker #1: In China?
Coworker #2: No. (laughs) The one in Germany. Don't they have one in Germany?
Coworker #1: The Berlin wall? That's not there anymore.
Coworker #2: Oh. What a shame.

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: get me out of finance

Nobody Can

Girl #1: Yeah, and I read that Hitler didn't really make the trains run on time. You know how they say he made them run on time? He didn't. They were always late. I read a study.
Girl #2: Of course! Because Nazis are evil! Evil people can't make trains run on time!

–Ladies' Room, Office Holiday Party

C'mon a My Wednesday One-Liner!

Man on phone: Come down the road and I'm the first house that you do not see.

–Office Building, W 46th St

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Black woman on cell: Don't fuck in ma house!

–Union Square Station

10-year-old boy to another: Yeah, my mom says I can fuck a girl in her house, as long as she ain't a skanky-ass ho.

–105th & Broadway

Overheard by: Andy

Girl to friend: We can't hang out at my house. I don't know anyone there anymore.

–125th & Broadway

Overheard by: EthanK

Guy cycling past very fast, to cycling companion: So he bought a whole house just to store pot?

–Prospect Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: peeper

City cop to two homeless guys: If your house is worth like $200,000, you can probably only get a equity loan for like $100,000. (homeless guys nod their heads in agreement)

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: E

A No Man's Land Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl: So yeah, that was the most interesting lesbian relationship I've ever had, but she left me for her old science teacher. At least you know where you stand with guys. (sighs)

–Macy's

Overheard by: Nathan

Suit nearing retirement, to his department: Did you ever think that Hilary Clinton just has to be a lesbian?

–Office, Midtown West

Man: I noticed I get checked out the most by women when I'm with a woman, so I started hanging around with lesbians and now we pick up women together.

–1 Train

Hobo, to no one in particular: I'm not a thespian, I'm a lesbian. From Hoboken.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Eric

Crazy hobo: Hillary invented the lesbian vote. There was no lesbian vote before Hillary, she created it! Thirty million lesbians all lined up to vote, and you know what you have to do to get the lesbian vote? You've gotta squeeze it. You have to squeeze the lesbian. How do you get orange juice? You squeeze it! You gotta squeeze the lesbian to get the vote!

–E Train

Overheard by: an unsqueezed lesbian

Angry woman on cell: No, I'm not doing the lesbian thing tonight. No. I'll be home soon.

–Outside Lesbian Bar, Hudson St

Overheard by: lady

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Their Neighborhoodies Proudly

Snooty middle-aged woman to gaggle of friends: I don't care about the rest of the city, I only care about my street.

–NoHo

Overheard by: me too

Middle-aged white guy to receptionist: I am glad to be out of the old neighborhood, though. Not that I am prejudiced, but the Hassidim, I just don't like them!

–Dentist Office, Carroll Gardens

Suit: I mean, he lives on 86th Street. That's just generic land!

–L Train

Girl (loudly to friends): No, that's Bushwick. We don't want to get off there! It's really shi… (glances around nervously at people who are now looking at her) I had…a shitty… experience in Bushwick.

–L Train

Overheard by: Rebecca

Hipster guy: And look out, cuz Williamsburg's still hood, dude!

–23rd St & 8th St

Overheard by: alex