Archive for the ‘Old People’ Category

A New York Moment

A woman has a chihuahua in her purse. An old man enters the train. Old man: Cute dog. Do you take him everywhere?
Woman: Uh huh. We saw Spider-man yesterday.
Old man: You saw Spider-man yesterday?
Woman: Yeah.
Old man: How did you like it?
Woman: Oh, you know. It is what it is.
Old man: Not that great, huh? Ha, ha. Well, take care. The man leaves the train. The woman looks down at her dog. Woman: That was weird. –V Train

Seems Bats Lose Their Sonar When They Get Old

Old woman: Excuse me officer, could you please tell me where the New Jersey Transit trains are?
Cop lady: Up the stairs and make a left, can’t miss ‘em.
Old woman: Which stairs?
Cop lady: Turn around.
Old woman: Are you sure?
Cop lady: Yeah, head up those stairs and make a left, there will be another officer up there behind the podium.
Old woman: So I only go up the one flight?
Cop lady: There is only one flight…Go up the stairs…when you get to the top…make a left.
Old woman: So I’m making a right, then going up the stairs…
Man: Jesus Christ, the fucking cop just told you like forty times! Are you fucking retarded? Go up the stairs, make a right!
Old woman: Well, wasn’t he rude!
Cop lady: Ma’am, would you like me to walk you up there?
Old woman: Oh no, I’ll be fine, thank you.
Cop lady: Have a nice day, ma’am. The old woman then proceeded to walk in the completely opposite direction. Cop lady held it in for about 5 seconds before laughing. –Penn Station Overheard by: mshorty

Wednesday One-Liners Rob the Cradle

Teen: I'm 14 years old and I'm still a virgin…how sick is that??

–Simon Baruch Middle School

Overheard by: the art major

Random old guy: The only thing I like more than children is more children.

–Barnes & Noble, 83rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Maianess

20-something guy to friend, casually: Oh, yeah, and the high school girl doesn't want a relationship.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: rachelandkaceyfuckup

Hipster girl to a group of friends: I can't date him. It would be like dating a kid, and not like in a really good way. (awkward silence) Uhm, not that there is a really good way to date a kid.

–Grand Central Station

Guy: You can do that to a girl but you can't do that to a guy! That's child molestation!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: inching away

Professor: Did I ever tell you? I used to work at a carnival operating the kiddie rides. (laughs) And no! I never became a pedophile!

–Wagner College

Overheard by: good to know

Wednesday One-Liners Been There, Done That

(two guys bike past blowing a whistle and yelling, imitating a siren)
Old woman
: Well, that about sums it up.


–Broadway & 19th

Overheard by: sweetchuck

Grandpa on cell: Okay, well, don't bump and grind with any boys!

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Yours Truly

Older lady: I'm anti-tchotchke!

–Hudson & Bleecker

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Older woman gazing out at the pond: Well this is it! Scumbag park!

–Turtle Pond, Central Park

Overheard by: Confused

Old guy sitting on bench, to other: I'm gonna send your picture to Bellevue, so they can get the food ready for ya.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lola

Old lady: The sex shops came in after the gays moved up from The Village in the 80s. But that's okay…

–8th Ave & 20th St

Elderly well-dressed lady to other (in front of bong shop): This place looks good.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Philouza

Wednesday One-liners Watch Their Weight

Dude on cell: She was a size 16 before the baby, but now she’s a 32. She went from Kermit the Frog to Snuffleupagus!…What size are you? –Staten Island Ferry

“It's a Small Wednesday One-Liner After All”

College girl: Yeah, the worst part about Africa was that we, like, didn't go out!

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Noemi

Shabby-looking blue collar mom to distinguished older Indian woman: Ohhh! I have always wanted to go to Bollywood! I love East Africa and Asia! I wanted to buy a bonsai tree, but they are way too expensive.

–5 Train

20-something, looking at Washington arch: There was something like this in France.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: M

Guy on cell: I swear I didn't have sex with her when I was in Norway.

–Lower East Side

Maybe Mom Got a Head Wound in Iraq, or Something

Little kid: Hey, mom, look! You can see the moon!
Ghetto mom: Shut up! You can't see no moon when the sun out. Sit down 'fore I bust yo little ass!
Little kid: But I can see the moon!
Nice older lady to kid: You're right, honey. You can see the moon when the sun is out. The moon is bright because of the sun.
Kid to mom: See, I told you I could see the moon?
Ghetto mom: That bitch lyin'!

–A Train

Overheard by: innocent mta customer

Uncle Waltergeist

Old guy in group: So, I saw this special last night on hauntings, and there was this one segment that reminded me so much of stories my aunt used to tell us about growing up in Brooklyn. She says their house had a ghost that haunted their attic and–
Young guy, interrupting: –Oh, cool! Was it the kind of ghost that tips over furniture and rattles tea cups, or the kind that flips you over in your sleep and rapes you up your ass?
Group: [Palpable silence.]

–Central Park Lawn