Archive for the ‘Old People’ Category

What He Gets for Being Fresh

Bread vendor: Hey! Lady! Don’t touch the bread!
Old lady, squeezing bread: How am I gonna know if it’s fresh?
Bread vendor: I’ll give you fresh!
Old lady, hitting vendor with large purse in time to her speech: You. Know. What?! You’re. A. Dog! Nothing but a two-bit, Lower East Side dog! That’s what you are!
Bread vendor: Ahhh! [Old lady leaves.]

–Soho

Overheard by: Bulent Akman

Nope, Raised in a Barn

Old lady to weird guy: Get up! Get up! Can’t you see that that woman has two young children? [Weird guy reluctantly gets up.] You must be an orphan.
Weird guy: Fuck off. [He moves away and departs at the next stop.]
Old lady: What? He was getting off at the next stop? He must be an orphan.

–A train

Overheard by: rachel

Wednesday One-Liners Lost the Chess Match

Exasperated hipster chick on cell, rolling eyes: Well, you probably should have known. I mean, I told you yesterday it was a terrible idea to go out and get wasted the night before you work with cadavers…

–83rd & 1st

Overheard by: i’ll remember that for next time…

Little boy pointing to top of Trump Tower: If I fell off of that, I would die!

–Trump Tower

Overheard by: Horrified

Suit to another: … So at, like, four a.m. this morning I rolled over to feel her, and she was, like, dead.

–44th & 8th

Overheard by: Glad I’m not sleeping with him

Old lady on cell: Well, I may be dead by then, so it might be a waste of your money.

–Fairway, 73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Jessie

Man on cell: … Yeah, but wouldn’t my witness getting killed be bad?

–Key Food, Kew Gardens Hills, Queens

Overheard by: kilbasi

Third grader: Miss Hannah, let’s make a deal — if you give me an ax, I’ll give you 10 corpses.

–PS 41

Overheard by: Student Teacher

Bob Dole Has Fallen on Not-So-Hard Times

Pharmacist: Hi, sir, can I help you?
Old man: I need to refill my pills.
Pharmacist: Which pills, sir?
Old man: You know, my pills.
Pharmacist: Sir, you are on eight different medications. Can you maybe describe the color or shape of the one you want? Or maybe what it does?
Old man: I just want my pills, dammit!
Pharmacist: Sir, I can’t refill them if you don’t tell me what they are.
Old man: My pills! The blue ones! You know, the man-agra!

–CVS/pharmacy

Overheard by: Amused customer in line

I’m Beginning to Regret Teaching You That Word, Granny

Girl: I saw that movie when it came out, The Passion of the Christ.
Grandma: What movie?
Girl: The Passion of the Christ. You haven’t heard of it?
Grandma: Yes, but I’m not interested in watching it. Mel Gibson produced it.
Girl: Oh. So it’s a principle thing.
Grandma: No. It’s an I-don’t-like douchebaginess thing.

–JFK Airport