Archive for the ‘On the Bus’ Category

Ditto

Guy #1: Okay…Wow…This one time in Madison I was so drunk…I was trying to get this sorority girl to come home with me and she said she would if I got rid of her ex-boyfriend (he was hanging out with us.) That’s all I remember from that night! I woke up the next morning, in bed, soaking wet, with a pulled groin muscle and scrapes all over my knees and elbows!
Guy #2: What the fuck?
Guy #1: Yeah! I had to ask around to find out what happened. Apparently, I sorta, uh, fell in the lake in Madison–I pulled my groin muscle there–then I pulled myself out and crawled home on hands and knees since I couldn’t walk.
Guy #2: What…the fuck…? –B1 bus Overheard by: Justin Fores

I'd Like You All Now to Join Me in a Chorus of “This Little Light of Mine”

Bus driver: Good morning passengers! You may have heard recently that bus drivers have been put on a diet to make them nicer and more helpful. Now this doctor has told me, “No more bacon and eggs, but a nice bowl of oatmeal. Oh, and lots of water, fruit. And instead of stopping for some pork fried rice in the afternoon, with chicken wings, a nice piece of flounder, maybe with some butter and herbs.” Now it's been 15 days, and I am so much more polite to passengers, saying “Good morning. How do you do?” I'm even nicer to mama when she gets home. Helpin' her with her carriage and bags; lowering the bus for people at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for another 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day. –B61 Bus Overheard by: I should have eaten breakfast

Better Hundreds Dead Than Myself Inconvenienced

Hispanic guy: Can you believe they shut down the train station ’cause one guy got sick.
Old black guy: Fuckin’ selfish-ass people, man. Selfish.
Young woman: He was having a seizure.
Old black guy: Well, I would’ve dragged him out or something.
White guy: I can’t believe this is happening to me on my first day out of jail. –116th & Broadway bus stop Overheard by: Kendall

According to the Ancient Law, You Snooze, You Lose

(passengers start closing bus windows because of heavy rain)
Girl #1: That window's still open.
Girl #2 (reaching over sleeping girl and closing it): Oh my god, I feel like I'm her savior.
Girl #1: Uh-huh.
Girl #2: But now it's really hot. Should we open a window?
Girl #1: Fine. (reaches over and opens the window next to the sleeping girl)
Girl #2: You're evil.
Girl #1: Yeah, like you weren't thinking of doing the same exact thing. –Bronx Science Vallo Bus

Nothing Quite as Cultured as Interjecting with a Slur

White guy: Alien vs. Predator was such a bad movie.
Black guy: Tell me something. Where do Alien and Predator come from?
White guy: What do you mean? They come from somebody’s imagination, of course.
Black guy: No, I mean what movies they came from.
White guy: You are aware that there was a movie called Alien and there was another called Predator.
Black guy: Nope, never even heard of them.
Old man: Learn the culture, nigger! –Q46 bus Overheard by: Ting

What “The Full Route” Really Means

Bus driver: Due to circumstances beyond our control, Vanderbilt will be the last stop on the bus.
Passengers: [Gasp] Oh, no!
Bus driver: And now that I know the PA system works, I was just joking. This bus will be going the full route. [A few minutes later] If you are with somebody, please have them sit on your lap. If not, introduce yourself. –Crowded B38 bus Overheard by: kitty

You'll Understand When You Have Wednesday One-Liners

Frazzled mother to young child: Hurry. Hurry. Look, the monster is going to get you if you don't walk faster! –Queens Mall Mother to small child: If you eat your two pieces of chicken, I'll give you a raisin. –College Point Shopping Center Overheard by: Yesenia Mom speaking to son: Sweetie, do I look like a eggbeater? –Waterside Plaza Woman on bus to child with large hearing aid: Sit down properly! Are you listening to me? –M23 Bus Overheard by: Rose Fox Mother to whiny toddler: I can't listen to you anymore! I fear for both of us. –15th St & University Place Overheard by: Sarah M.