Archive for the ‘On the Subway’ Category

Wednesday: Soft As a Baby's One-Liner

Drunk middle aged man, grabbing wife's shoulder: Watch this! Nine months from tonight! Count it, people! She's going to have a motherfucking baby! Nine months! Niiiiiine months! –E 9th St & University Place Overheard by: NYUTSOA2012 Tween to grandmother: There's this girl in my class at school who had a baby around Halloween, and she named it Starlight. It's a baby girl. –F Train Overheard by: office peon Hysterical teen: If I had nine months left to live I would have his baby! –Gee Whiz, Tribeca Train conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors! Especially if you got a baby and a baby carriage! –Uptown 2 Train Attractive brunette: There were dead babies in the tree. Like Christmas ornaments. –96th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liner Ink

Girl to friend: She has a Shakespeare quote tattooed on her body, so she must be smart. –Bleecker St Overheard by: Lyssa Middle aged dude to another: That fucken bitch, man. I wish I had her on a t-shirt instead of on my chest and back. –Prince & Lafayette Slightly ghetto white girl on cell: What happens when a bug bites you on your tattoo? –D Train Overheard by: 4-dumb Tourist grandmother to eight-year-old granddaughter: Do, do you like mommy's new neck tattoo? (pause) Yeah, me neither. –Times Square Overheard by: Jas

Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable

Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like "okay, this is what I'm doing." But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured they'd give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn't pass. –6 Train Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you're not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol. –Polk St Girl to guy friend: She's a great drunk. She's probably one of the best people to hang out with when she's drunk. –Pratt Institute Overheard by: T Hawker: It's happy hour! Come on up, and I'll watch your kids while you get drunk. –Planet Hollywood Girl, during lunch: I'm not drunk anymore! –W 4th & University Place

Wednesday One-Liners Are Working on a Perfume Line

Flustered suit pacing along street: Just letting you know I got a FedEx from Bruce Willis, I guess he finally decided to pay his bills. –84th St Overheard by: mikaela Man to dinner companion: So did you know Mia Farrow is doing a hunger strike? Because of what's happening in Darfur? I hope she dies. –Red Bamboo, West Village Transvestite: Damn, that girl looks like Brooke Shields. Damn, that white girl in the blue shoes looks like Brooke Shields. –4 Train Man giving out Metro newspaper: Metro! Metro! Whoooeee, baby, you looking like Jennifer Lopez! Metro! –7 Train Suit on cell: If he does it again I am going to get all Chuck Woolery on his ass! –Gold St

Here's Genesis to Explain

Boyfriend: I found one of those things in my desk today, you know, like for a stamp.
Girlfriend: An ink pad?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Did you touch it?
Boyfriend: Yeah.
Girlfriend: Did you wash it off?
Boyfriend, examining finger: Almost.
Girlfriend: Oh my god, why do you have to touch everything? –Uptown F Train Overheard by: Laura

Wednesday One-Liners (the King James Version)

Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then louder.] If the Amish can do it, so can you! –113th & Amsterdam Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy Lady on cell: You tell my momma to get her ass to church and stop sinning! –Grand Concourse, 205th St. Overheard by: LSB Black guy to another: Go to the Catholic church, cracka. They got good drugs. –11th & A Middle Eastern man: I believe in Islam and Allah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop doing those things, then I’ll pray. –C Train Overheard by: Mark Thug: I totally invented the Chuck Norris religion. –Queens Mall Overheard by: LSB