Archive for the ‘Orgasm’ Category

He’s Gonna Get Home Way before She Does

Woman: One more stop, but then we’ll still be really fucking far away from home.
Man: Maybe the bus will come like that [snaps fingers], just like I came this morning [snaps them again].
Woman: Shhh! There are other people on this train, you know!
Man: Oh, it doesn’t matter, no one’s listening.

–L train

Overheard by: i’m sitting right next to you

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt

Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?

–Chinatown bus

Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: renata

Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!

–20th & 5th

Overheard by: I want to get on her plan

Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.

–1 train

Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.

–5th Ave

NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?

–Waverly & Broadway

Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

The Silence of the Lamb Chop

Teen girl #1: So, I heard that this porn star had, like, lung cancer and had to, like, have part of her lung removed.
Teen girl #2: Damn, that sucks. Is she, like, always out of breath?
Teen girl #1: Yeah, and she, like, can’t talk that much either ’cause she can hardly breathe.
Teen girl #2: But isn’t she a porn star? When she like, you know, has an orgasm, how can she make those loud noises? Her career is so over.
Teen girl #1: Maybe she has a ventriloquist.
Teen girl #2: No way. That’d only work if she was a guy and it was gay porn, ’cause, I mean, who’s ever heard of a girl ventriloquist?


–Deli, 42nd St


Headline by: Emilio Lizardo


Runners-Up:
· “And They Called Her Howdy Pooty” – Sean
· “Charlie McCarthy Does Dallas!” – Mary Beth Hanlon
· “How many ‘likes’ does it take to get to another orgasm?” – Maggie Mae
· “I never knew smoking pole could cause lung cancer” – Matt T
· “If Helen Keller did porn” – Em
· “She’s Not Bad, But I Can See Her Lips Moving” – Dan
· “That’s not all she’s faking” – CoolPapaZ
· “Those screeching sounds come from her other set of lips” – Nick. D.
· “You know what else turns me on? Leprosy” – Steve




Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Go Down

Suit: I’d leave my wife for her if her clit didn’t taste like a spicy tuna roll. –Chambers & Broadway Girl on cell: I don’t care how many fingers you put in her. Bottom line is, she didn’t blow you. So I win. –Times Square Overheard by: shap Utilitarian guy: A blow job is better than no job. –Sex Work Conference, The New School Overheard by: wendy Girl: $50 for a 2-minute bj? I’d do it. It takes me 8 hours to make $50. Shit. –Queens bound F train Overheard by: Marisa Dude: So, did she orgasm in your mouth? –219 2nd Ave Overheard by: Trey Givens Hipster: I’m thinking of getting that little string thing attached to my tongue cut off so I can eat pussy better. –Chinatown bus Queer #1 to queer #2: Well if I’m not giving you head and you’re not giving me head then we’ve got a problem. –Wachovia, 17th & 7th Overheard by: Joanna

The Freak at the Next Table (A NYC Short Story)

Woman: Our biggest problem with sex was that he came too fast, because he was so into me. So now he uses desensitizing condoms, and that works a lot better, especially because it takes me a really long time to have an orgasm with him. Woman: I was really anxious, so I went to my GP and she prescribed Klonopin. That completely took my anxiety away, but then my doctor said that she didn’t feel that that was a good long-term drug. I guess I agree with that. I did take one Klonopin on the plane yesterday, but that was okay because it was just a recreational Klonopin. Woman: Now that I’m a wife I thought I should be more proper, but it turns out he likes me slutty. Woman: I think the most passionate sex I will ever have will be during some really passionate adulterous affair. I would have to make a really conscious decision not to have an affair; it would be like fourth-order cognition. –Indus Valley, 100th & Broadway