Archive for the ‘Panhandling’ Category

Scrooge McDuck’s Wednesday One-Liners

Fashionista to another: It didn’t taste that good, but I really needed the money.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: John Galt Jr.

Fashion student: The thing I can’t stand about fine arts is how obsessed with money it’s become… Yeah, so I’m leaving the program to study advertising.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: nova scotia

Security guard to another: I ain’t here for the money. I’m here for the fuckin’ prestige.

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber Star

White chick on cell: Hi, honey! How are you? Are you being tickled by coins? Are you being tickled by coins?!

–LaGuardia Airport

Overheard by: mela

Guy on corner: Can you spare any change or frequent flyer miles?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: Scientific

Frumpy lady to Joey Ramone lookalike: I’m feeling awfully constipated, baby! Constipated with money is the way I like to be!

–3rd Ave, Bay Ridge

It's Always Sunny in Wednesday One-Liner

Swaying hobo with outstretched arms, as it starts to drizzle: I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on you, hoes!

–14th St & University Place

Conductor over PA, on sunny 50-degree day: Due to inclement weather, the 2 and 3 trains will be running on the local track.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Bag lady: I'm not selling ass, just panhandling. It's too cold.

–9th Ave & 25th St

Really tall dude to no one in particular, very energetically: It's a beautiful day, oh my god! I'm gonna cancel all my appointments and go on a walk!

–2nd & Bedford

Angry stranded guy: And you were all like "it doesn't snow in the city, there are too many cars!"

–Bleecker St

Wednesday One-Liners in the Hobosphere

Hobo: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Edwin, but you can call me ‘Homeless Ed’… Or just ‘Homeless’ for short.

–A train

Hobo: Hey, y’all! I ain’t gonna lie to you — I am homeless, and I just want a piece of ass, some drugs, and a 40. Ten bucks for a piece of ass? Someone gonna give me some money for some crack cocaine?

–Line outside Roseland Ballroom, 52nd & Broadway

Hobo to horse leading carriage: Dude, you rock! [Gives horse a peace sign.]

–56th & 10th

Overheard by: PetRunner

Crazy hobo: Well, jumping Jehoshaphats! Some homeless person has abandoned his station! I will assume his identity and no one will ever know that I’m rich!

–3rd Ave, between 34th & 35th St

Overheard by: His secret’s safe with me

Toothless hobo on stoop: Excuse me, sir, could you write me a check for five cents and I’ll pay you back on Tuesday?

–7th & 2nd

Ew, Who Wednesday One-Linered?

Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people.

–Broadway & Houston

Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us.

–80th St & 34th Ave

Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these.

–83rd St & Broadway

Overheard by: new girl in town

Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore?

–7 Train

Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it.

–125th St & Lexington

Overheard by: Stephen

She's More Interested in the Facts Than Fox News

Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, entering subway car: That man in the brown jacket, who's gonna tell you not to give me money, he's the JonBenet Ramsey rapist.
Impressed observer, reaching for wallet: That was definitely worth a dollar.
Stone cold crazy panhandler lady, walking on: And then in Carrie, they put the blood on the people and then they jerked off the dog.
Impressed observer: I should have given her two dollars.

–Downtown D Train

Overheard by: stephie

Man, Those Hobos Really Need to Take Some Creative Writing Classes

Lady to young man: Excuse me, sir, I just lost my wallet…
Young man (interrupting): And you need a dollar to get a bus home?
(lady says nothing and walks off)

–14th St b/w 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: I love Artichoke!

Headline by: Allison

Runners-Up:
· “Actually I Was Hoping for Your Emergency Condom” – “Jimmy” Wrapper

· “Asshat Misses Chance at Cheap BJ” – Leary Blaine
· “Ladies Get Turned Off by Todd’s Premature Speculation Problem” – FizzyGurrl
· “Maybe She’s Afraid Of Psychics” – tedric
· “Psh, Like Buses Only Cost a Dollar” – samson
· “They Give You More If You Just Call It a “Bailout”” – stimulated economy
· “This Might Have Worked Better If They Hadn’t Already Been on the Bus” – KateNonymous


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