Archive for the ‘Panhandling’ Category

We're All Nine Meals Away from Being Wednesday One-Liners

Black hobo to rush-hour crowd: So, did ya' hear now Obama's president they gonna tear down the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, they gonna put up a new statue–one o' Aunt Jemima!"

–Shuttle Train GCT

Overheard by: Mrs. Butterworth

Hobo: Hey, kids! I wish I was a kid again. Then I'd have a hundred million dollars!

–Henry St, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Jesse

Hobo to clerk: Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of the Gaza Strip.

–Deli, 45th & 3rd

Overheard by: LP

Hobo to girl with boxing gloves attached to her backpack: Hi, there! Give a little money to help the homeless? (silence) I'll take anything but a punch in the face!

–Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Andi C.

Shouting hobo: The family that scratches their butts together has smelly fingers!

–34th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Kramer

Hobo crossing street and pushing shopping cart: Hi ho Silver!

–23rd St & Park Ave

Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.

Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Alexis

Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Jackie

Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms?

–Grand Central Station

Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it?

–125th St

Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough."

–Bar 9, 54th & 9th

Overheard by: Ladle

Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit!

–L Train

Overheard by: The City Planner

Wednesday-One-Liners Get a Pacific Rim Job

Skinny Asian man to large black woman: You too fat!

–4 train

Overheard by: LP


Cultured concert connoisseur
: I think this girl was from California. She spoke Asian and Spanish.


–Webster Hall

Overheard by: ak


Hipster, sitting next to Asian women
: Awesome. Asians have tiny asses!


–R train, Canal St

Overheard by: Matt Hartwick


Hipster chick
: Asians eat the darndest things.


–Lower East Side

Overheard by: Lesley


Asian fag hag
: Of course it doesn’t sound right! I’m a girl doing gay porn!


–West Village

Overheard by: megan


Asian woman suit
: I’m really just tired of being a mobster.


–Wall St & Nassau


Hobo lady to Asian-looking girl
: If I speak in your language, will you give me some money? Heeeyyyaaah! Karate chop!


–44th St & Lex

Overheard by: Made my morning


…But You Might Not Want It Back Once I Swipe It

Hobo: Happy birthday! Can I have a dollar?
Preppy guy: What? Sorry, I don't have any cash.
Hobo: I accept all major credit cards.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: cmtWHAT

Headline by: eeny

Runners-Up:
· “…Except Diner’s Club, I Have Standards, You Know” – DotTim
· “As Unemployment Rises, Technology Transforms the Bum Sector” – PeterG
· “Hobos: They’re Everywhere You Want to Be” – Coyoty
· “Mastercard: Avaliable in More Places” – MaccasGirl


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Quit Their Day Jobs for Stand-up

Hobo to chick: You’re looking nice this evening! [She ignores him.] Normally you look like shit.

–Lafayette & White

Hobo eating entire roast chicken: You got a quarter for some food? Haven’t eaten in days.

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: mosugs

Hobo: Hey, look! It’s everyone’s favorite bum! [He’s ignored.] Oh, geez, that went over well.

–Outside Gray’s Papaya

Overheard by: Zach

Hobo to high school students: Hey, kids — stay smart, stay in school… Yeah! Be cool, stay in school! Someone’s got to arrest me one day!

–60th & 10th

Hobo: The fed done lowered interest rates again! You gentlemen get to keep mo’ money in yo’ pocket. Please donate a dollar to help me keep these financial updates as a free service.

–Beaver St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Hobo: I take American Express!

–West Village

Overheard by: Only had a Visa

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, please help keep our trains moving. Get out and push!

–A train

At least she’s honest

A young girl selling M&Ms on the A train: “Hey, I’m not here for no basketball team or anything, but if ya’ll want to give me some money, that’s cool.” Note: she got quite a few sales, as well as a guy’s number

Sure, But You Don't Want to Actually Write That on the Mortgage Application

Guy #1: You know how people say that if you give homeless people money, all they'll buy is drugs and alcohol?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: Well, fuck, that's what I would buy!

–9th St & University Place

Overheard by: Jazz

Headline by: bq

Runners-Up:
· “Behold, the Democratic Stimulus Plan!” – The Trayster
· “I Guess That Explains the Cardboard Box You Live In…” – Timmy
· “I Mean, After I Paid Off My Credit Card Debt, Of Course” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Michael Phelps Has an Epiphany” – JohnnyB
· “Mickey Rourke’s Comeback Was Short-Lived” – Sing it sister!
· “That’s Why You Don’t Have Full Access to Your Trust Fund” – Keith


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Think You Haven’t Heard the One about the United Negro Pizza Fund

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make: Mayor Bloomberg is a pol pot, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior, and I am trying to get some money for a snack wrap. Your kindness is appreciated.

–4 train

Overheard by: Scotty H.

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have walked many, many miles, and I have sucked many, many dicks, but I… [doors close].

–E train, W 4th

Hobo rattling coin can as WASP lady passes: Mrs. Rockefeller, pay yo’ bills!

–79th & Lex

Overheard by: Clook

Hobo to another: So, I hear you’re an international spy now.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: tj

Wheelbo: Can somebody give me some money so I can buy a Rolex? Please hurry. I want to know what time it is.

–80th & Broadway