Archive for the ‘Panhandling’ Category

This Wednesday One-liners is Going Local

Conductor: I get paid whether this train moves or not. We can sit here all day, or if you want to go somewhere, stand clear of the doors. –B train Overheard by: Captain Obvious Conductor: If you are carrying a knapsack or large bag, please consider being searched by the police. –LIRR Overheard by: Kelly Wittman Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please do not contribute to panhandlers. Panhandling on the subway is illegal, and is also against the law. –R train Conductor: …we are told the delay is indefinite…for future reference “indefinite” does not mean the train won’t leave at all. So all those people that just got off the train and went upstairs to wait, are still waiting! And you’re on your way! –Penn Station Overheard by: Ziggy Stardust

We're All Nine Meals Away from Being Wednesday One-Liners

Black hobo to rush-hour crowd: So, did ya' hear now Obama's president they gonna tear down the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, they gonna put up a new statue–one o' Aunt Jemima!" –Shuttle Train GCT Overheard by: Mrs. Butterworth Hobo: Hey, kids! I wish I was a kid again. Then I'd have a hundred million dollars! –Henry St, Brooklyn Heights Overheard by: Jesse Hobo to clerk: Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of the Gaza Strip. –Deli, 45th & 3rd Overheard by: LP Hobo to girl with boxing gloves attached to her backpack: Hi, there! Give a little money to help the homeless? (silence) I'll take anything but a punch in the face! –Astor & Lafayette Overheard by: Andi C. Shouting hobo: The family that scratches their butts together has smelly fingers! –34th St & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Kramer Hobo crossing street and pushing shopping cart: Hi ho Silver! –23rd St & Park Ave

Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.

Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together. –1 Train Overheard by: Alexis Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend. –6 Train Overheard by: Jackie Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms? –Grand Central Station Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it? –125th St Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough." –Bar 9, 54th & 9th Overheard by: Ladle Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl. –W 66th St Overheard by: Susan Volchok Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit! –L Train Overheard by: The City Planner

Wednesday-One-Liners Get a Pacific Rim Job

Skinny Asian man to large black woman: You too fat! –4 train Overheard by: LP Cultured concert connoisseur: I think this girl was from California. She spoke Asian and Spanish. –Webster Hall Overheard by: ak Hipster, sitting next to Asian women: Awesome. Asians have tiny asses! –R train, Canal St Overheard by: Matt Hartwick Hipster chick: Asians eat the darndest things. –Lower East Side Overheard by: Lesley Asian fag hag: Of course it doesn’t sound right! I’m a girl doing gay porn! –West Village Overheard by: megan Asian woman suit: I’m really just tired of being a mobster. –Wall St & Nassau Hobo lady to Asian-looking girl: If I speak in your language, will you give me some money? Heeeyyyaaah! Karate chop! –44th St & Lex Overheard by: Made my morning

…But You Might Not Want It Back Once I Swipe It

Hobo: Happy birthday! Can I have a dollar?
Preppy guy: What? Sorry, I don't have any cash.
Hobo: I accept all major credit cards. –Columbus Circle Overheard by: cmtWHAT Headline by: eeny Runners-Up:
· “…Except Diner’s Club, I Have Standards, You Know” – DotTim
· “As Unemployment Rises, Technology Transforms the Bum Sector” – PeterG
· “Hobos: They’re Everywhere You Want to Be” – Coyoty
· “Mastercard: Avaliable in More Places” – MaccasGirl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Quit Their Day Jobs for Stand-up

Hobo to chick: You’re looking nice this evening! [She ignores him.] Normally you look like shit. –Lafayette & White Hobo eating entire roast chicken: You got a quarter for some food? Haven’t eaten in days. –73rd & Broadway Overheard by: mosugs Hobo: Hey, look! It’s everyone’s favorite bum! [He’s ignored.] Oh, geez, that went over well. –Outside Gray’s Papaya Overheard by: Zach Hobo to high school students: Hey, kids — stay smart, stay in school… Yeah! Be cool, stay in school! Someone’s got to arrest me one day! –60th & 10th Hobo: The fed done lowered interest rates again! You gentlemen get to keep mo’ money in yo’ pocket. Please donate a dollar to help me keep these financial updates as a free service. –Beaver St Overheard by: Big Larry Hobo: I take American Express! –West Village Overheard by: Only had a Visa Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, please help keep our trains moving. Get out and push! –A train

At least she’s honest

A young girl selling M&Ms on the A train: “Hey, I’m not here for no basketball team or anything, but if ya’ll want to give me some money, that’s cool.” Note: she got quite a few sales, as well as a guy’s number

Sure, But You Don't Want to Actually Write That on the Mortgage Application

Guy #1: You know how people say that if you give homeless people money, all they'll buy is drugs and alcohol?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #1: Well, fuck, that's what I would buy! –9th St & University Place Overheard by: Jazz Headline by: bq Runners-Up:
· “Behold, the Democratic Stimulus Plan!” – The Trayster
· “I Guess That Explains the Cardboard Box You Live In…” – Timmy
· “I Mean, After I Paid Off My Credit Card Debt, Of Course” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Michael Phelps Has an Epiphany” – JohnnyB
· “Mickey Rourke’s Comeback Was Short-Lived” – Sing it sister!
· “That’s Why You Don’t Have Full Access to Your Trust Fund” – Keith
Click here to see the new Headline Contest