Decently dressed man, who doesn't look like he needs a quarter: Does anyone have a quarter? Does anyone have a quarter?
(no response, he sits down)
Decently dressed man, sounding like radio announcer: You're listening to power 105… Power 105… You've got the power… Power 105… Power 105…
(lights cigarette, and begins standing on one foot in center of car with his arms stretched out)
Little girl to father: Wow, daddy… He's good!
–6 Train
Overheard by: johnnytomatoes
Archive for the ‘Panhandling’ Category
Wednesday One-Liners Have Fallen Upon Hard Times
Hobo: Can you spare some change? Selfish fucking morons! Can you spare some change? Selfish fucking morons! Can you spare some change? I love you.
–Broadway & 9th St
Hobo to everyone on train: Stand clear the closing doors, ladies and gentlemen. Please watch the gap between the train and the platform. Walk over it, not in it. Your safety is my number one priority because: without you, I don't eat.
–4 Train
Crazy hobo to man: I don't want your change. I want that! (points to man's crotch)
–F Train
Hobo: Can you spare me 600,000 dollars?
–Broadway & 97th St
Overheard by: Martijn H
Drunk hobo to restaurant owner: Oh, man, I've missed you! You haven't cursed me out in forever!
–Restaurant, Ave A & 7th St
Overheard by: Tigertail
What Runs Through Parents' Minds When They Picture Their Kids in the Big Apple
Drunk hobo: You guys are attractive. You got the hair thing going on and you have the sideburns working for you. (flexes biceps)
Teenage boys: Ummm… Thanks.
Drunk hobo: Guys… listen. Guys… birds of a feather fly together. Birds of a feather fly together. You don't see seagulls flying with pigeons or pigeons flying with seagulls. Birds of a feather fly together! You guys have any money?
(they give him some change, he walks away)
Sketchy man overlooking: Wow… that guy was crazy. Do you kids want some weed or some blow?
–Sitting Area, 48th & 8th
Overheard by: Brendan
Wednesdays Feel Virtuous When They Don't Eat One-Liners
Weird hobo: Ladies and gentleman, I am a disabled Vietnam vet. I'm asking help from all of you so I don't wind up on the streets. While in Vietnam, I was exposed to Agent Orange, which caused me my disability–I became a vegetarian.
–Downtown 3 Train
Overheard by: An Amused Former Vegetarian
Aging hippie to woman spouting PETA propaganda: I've been a vegan for 30 years. You're embarrassing me. Why do you do that?
–F Train
Overheard by: AeC
Guy: Yo, I'm vegetarian now, I don't eat no meat, but man I love that chicken. That chicken just keeps comin' back to me!
–Manna's
Overheard by: eatinginharlem
Crazy-looking woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was totally a vegetarian yesterday. Like literally, I ate no meat.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Meat Eater
Clueless 20-something female: Do you have another menu? I'm a vegan.
–Brother Jimmy's BBQ, 31st St
Is Christopher Walken a Wednesday One-Liner?
Guy in white shirt and tie: So what, so what if the aliens landed in Brooklyn? And they start shooting their guns, their laser guns on the corner, in the candy store? What then? Do we just let them in the shelter?
–John Jay College of Criminal Justice
Crazy guy: I am an alien from outer space! I have crash landed on your planet! This is our language! (saxophone solo)
–C Train
Overheard by: Emily B.
Conductor: We will be stopped at the next station for ten minutes. You are not allowed to exit the train, so that means no smoke breaks or bathroom trips. If you do get off of the train you will be abducted by aliens and never heard from again.
–Amtrak Train, Penn station
Overheard by: Madge
Hobo to teen girls: Can you spare some change for a space man? I wanna get drunk later.
–94th St & Broadway
Wednesday One-Liners for T
Announcer: There is a downtown b as in "brothel" train approaching 81st Street. That's right. Brothel.
–81st St Station
Angry hobo, after receiving no money: Well, fine, screw you all! The reason you ain't giving me anything is cause no of y'all speak English. They should call this the "e" for "immigrant" train.
–E Train
Overheard by: Matt
Dude outside bar at happy hour: He expects me to be a BFF. But I'm just a bf… No, I'm just an f.
–9th Ave & 56th St
Overheard by: K Melv
Businesswoman on cell: No… the letter s… "s" as in "shot."
–Madison Square Park
Crazy woman to herself: My mom always called me "a" because, when I was little, really little, like before I could talk, I would sing "a a a a a a" over and over. And that was the joke, that I knew the first letter of the alphabet. (shrugs)
–S79 Bus
Little kid, singing alphabet song: A – b – c – d – h – i – v!
–M102 Bus
…In Omaha.
Hobo to tourist lady: Can you spare a dollar? Some change?
Tourist lady: Sorry, not today.
Hobo, mumbling as he walks away: Okay, see ya tomorrow.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
…But You Might Not Want It Back Once I Swipe It
Hobo: Happy birthday! Can I have a dollar?
Preppy guy: What? Sorry, I don't have any cash.
Hobo: I accept all major credit cards.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: cmtWHAT
Headline by: eeny
Runners-Up:
· “…Except Diner’s Club, I Have Standards, You Know” – DotTim
· “As Unemployment Rises, Technology Transforms the Bum Sector” – PeterG
· “Hobos: They’re Everywhere You Want to Be” – Coyoty
· “Mastercard: Avaliable in More Places” – MaccasGirl
Click here to see the new Headline Contest
Maybe She's Born with It? Maybe It's Wednesday One-Liner.
Guy preaching on subway: I noticed I would always get hit on by beautiful women when I was with a woman, so I started hanging out with lesbians, and now we pick up women together.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Alexis
Panhandler going through train: God bless you, will anyone spare some money? God bless you, damm! You have a pretty white girlfriend.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Jackie
Woman giving out free loot: You girls are so pretty, want some condoms?
–Grand Central Station
Hobo: Why do rich men get to marry all the pretty girls, kill them, and get away with it?
–125th St
Trashed girl, coming out of bathroom: I hate when guys say, "you're pretty enough."
–Bar 9, 54th & 9th
Overheard by: Ladle
Big slobby schlub, loudly talking to buddy: So, she was about to become another disposable pretty girl.
–W 66th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Rambling crazy man: All of you women look beautiful, but in the end, y'all still have to take a shit!
–L Train
Overheard by: The City Planner
According to the IRS
Gay man: I deserved it.
Hobo, jumping into the conversation: I deserve two dollars!
–East Village