Archive for the ‘Paranoia’ Category

The Alien Autopsy Of Wednesday One-Liners

Seven-year old boy to bookseller: Do you have any books on crop circles in this library?

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Amused bookseller a few feet away

Man to another: Don't you know? All those tunnels in Afghanistan run into the pyramids in Gaza! If I was President there would be one less pyramid.

–Soup Kitchen, Midtown

Overheard by: John Gordon

Gentleman on train: You know why they invented daylight savings, don't you? It's because of Halloween, a lot of congressmen wanted kids to have an extra hour to go trick or treating. That's why we have daylight savings.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Annie

Elderly professor: Fewer chairs, less chalk every week. It's a conspiracy!

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Denali

Wednesday One-Liners with a Reservoir Tip

Girl on cell: I don't need anything else. I've got 20 dollars, my phone, and a condom.

–11th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Alex

Flamboyant boy on cell: Wait, where are you? What are you doing? Please tell me you'll wear a condom. (pause, then boy's face grows increasingly horrified) Several condoms.

–Dining Hall, NYU

Street vendor next to hot dog vendor: Get your Obama condoms! They go great with a pretzel!

–Times Square

Overheard by: not another tourist

15-year-old girl: Damn, nigga, I hope you flushed the condom, cuz they be using turkey basters for other shit now. They be taking the condom from the trash can and suck up the cum and put it in theyselves. I know, cuz I messed with a few niggaz who be telling me and I learn in sex ed!

–74 Bus, Staten Island

Wednesday One-Liners Call It “Extreme Sharing”

20-something hipster to friend, punching him in the arm: Dude, you stole my Facebook status!

–Central Park

Overheard by: dude, just think up a new one!

Cable man to another, standing in line at Wendy's: Yeah, I was across the street at Popeyes, but it looked like some man was going to rob the place, so I came here instead.

–Flatbush & Ocean Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Anna

Crazy lady to pigeon: Get outta here! You ain't gonna get none if you beg. You gotta wait for me to give it to you. (throws bread in other direction) That's why you ain't get none. (a few minutes later, she gets up to leave) Alright. It's been real. Thank for not stealing my potato chips.

–Tribeca Park

Four-year-old boy to mom: Mom, when you take chips from my bag without asking, you're stealing. We talked about this. We talked about this at length.

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: This girl from NY

Wednesday One-Liners for Change

Black lady to family in obama t-shirts: You know how all those irish people have pictures of kennedy hanging up in their living rooms? Now we can do that too!

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Definitely has a JFK picture in her apartment

Guy selling obama-themed condoms: Remember the election with every erection!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Mary Button

Black woman with a child in her stroller braiding her hair: There's gona be a lot of braidin in the white house.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Subway surfer

Woman on cell phone: Girl, if I can get to the front of the line at the vma's I can get to the front of the line at the damn inauguration. Shiiiit it's barack obama, girl!

–manhattan dental waiting room

Overheard by: Catherine

Stoned kid to a group of his friends discussing politics: You know what's scary bro? If obama gets assassinated, george bush is gonna be president again.

–1 Train @ 2AM going Downtown

Black man handing out metro: "get your obama metro! Get your obama metro! See, anyone can be president… I'm next!"

–59th Street, Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Yes we can!

Melonsday Jug-Liners

Middle-aged theatrical man, watching summer crowds: Ah! Manhattan in the summer… The hypnotic sway of the unfettered breast…

–Rockefeller Center

Woman on cell to friend: If I have hips this big and I haven't even had a kid, I'm getting boobs. I just want a nice round c cup!

–14th St & 10th ave

Overheard by: adam

Girl to boyfriend, after putting cell phone in her jacket: Yeah… That's not a pocket, that's my tit.

–L Train

Overheard by: TR

Guy on cell phone: What's up, biscuit-tits?

–21st St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Steve

16-year-old girl to buxom pal: Your breasts are a personal attack on me!

–F Train

Overheard by: wish i was being attacked