Archive for the ‘Paranoia’ Category

Clearly the Googleionaires Have Never Walked the NYC Streets

Date: Tue, 2 Aug 2005 11:51:21 -0700
From: Google AdSense
To: [email protected]
Subject: Google AdSense Account Status
Cc: Google AdSense Hello Steven, Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. After reviewing your application, our program specialists have found that it does not comply with our policies. Therefore, we’re unable to accept you into Google AdSense at this time. We did not approve your application for the reasons listed below. If you are able to resolve these issues, please feel free to reply to this email for reconsideration when you have made the changes. Issues: – Inappropriate language ——————— Further detail: Inappropriate language: We’ve found that your website contains content that isn’t in compliance with our program policies. We don’t allow websites with excessive profanity or potentially offensive content to participate in Google AdSense. Please review our policies( for a complete list of site content not allowed on web pages. [Surely they don’t mean “nigga”? –Ed.]

At Least It’s Not One of Those Bowls with Decorative Balls in It

Guy #1: My relationship isn’t working out.
Guy #2: What’s wrong, dude?
Guy #1: Well, I woke up today and realized there was a vase sitting on the mantle.
Guy #2: What the hell does that have to do with it?
Guy #1: It has no purpose! It just sits there!
Guy #2: Um… I think that’s what vases usually do.
Guy #1: Exactly! That’s why I didn’t have any. They don’t do anything. They’re useless. There’s absolutely no reason to have one, and now all of a sudden, I do. [Desperately] What has happened to me?! –Downtown bus stop

Is ‘Oxycodone’ with an ‘I’ or a ‘Y’?

Lady suit: I can’t keep coming here to get my prescription filled. They’re beginning to recognize me.
Suit: So what?
Lady suit: So, what if I get in trouble?
Suit: Why would you get in trouble? You have a prescription from a doctor.
Lady suit: If you say so. Oh, shit, I forgot to put the date on this. –Duane Reade, 89th & Columbus Overheard by: Veronica at

Six Wednesday One-Liners Under

Girl on phone: Did he actually try to kill you, or is this like the time at the supermarket when you thought the cashier was coming onto you because he touched your hand giving you change? –Time Square HR person: I don't want to whack her until I have to. But I probably will. –Broadway Little boy to mom: Mommy, what does it feel like to die? –7th & Carroll, Park Slope Well-dressed man on cell: I know, we need to make sure that none of them live. –8th St & Broadway Seven-year-old girl to mom, after being scolded: I'm going to kill you. –4 Train Long Island woman: Well, sure, it's a great place if you want to be raped and murdered every day. –LIRR Overheard by: Cori

Wednesday One-Liners for Hezbollah

Officer to old lady: Hey, don't leave you bag on the floor, there are terrorist everywhere. –45th St & 3rd Ave Overheard by: StriderNo9 Suit on cell: So you're gonna vote for a Muslim and a terrorist? –MoMA Hipster to friend: Yeah, terrorists totally love Bush. –46th and 9th Overheard by: choosing not to capitalize the B Tourist: Are you guys terrorists? –Rally for Gaza, 42nd & 7th Overheard by: ooga booga Loud black queer teen: But his best joke was like "What do you call people who hate ketchup?" (no response) "Al-Qaeda!" (bursts out laughing) Get it? It's funny because they don't have ketchup in Iraq! –1 Train Overheard by: Ketchup lover