Archive for the ‘Paranoia’ Category

The Urban Renewal of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick: I’m interested in what’s now — that’s why I live in Williamsburg.

–Court & 3rd Pl

Overheard by: imitation rastaman

Hyper bus driver playing with overhead marquee while driving: I can set it to police bus, training bus… It’s like a microwave — what do you want? Corn? I like to change it to ‘Harlem.’ Then people get really confused. [Changes sign to 'B6 Limited' and comes up to bus stop. No one gets on bus.] What do you need, the B6? No? [Keeps driving.]

–B4 bus, Sheepshead Bay

Overheard by: tanechka

Smart guy: There is no West Side. There’s only Zabar’s.

–New York Palace Hotel

Overheard by: Emily

Hipster to another: You should totally move up to Harlem. It’s getting whiter.

–Union Square

Old lady to another: Yes, she’s still alive. She’s living all alone on the Upper East Side. Well, she doesn’t go out at all. You know she hates everyone, even Democrats.

–22nd & 1st

Frat boy with group of orange-tanned, fake-chested blondes: We gotta find me the Meatpacking District!

–N 4th St & Bedford Ave

Is ‘Oxycodone’ with an ‘I’ or a ‘Y’?

Lady suit: I can’t keep coming here to get my prescription filled. They’re beginning to recognize me.
Suit: So what?
Lady suit: So, what if I get in trouble?
Suit: Why would you get in trouble? You have a prescription from a doctor.
Lady suit: If you say so. Oh, shit, I forgot to put the date on this.

–Duane Reade, 89th & Columbus

Overheard by: Veronica at http://everythingisused.blogspot.com/

Only One of Us Can Wear the Pants in This Relationship

Bartender: This is so weird, but you just can’t tell anyone. I don’t know what to do about Fred*. I had a few people over on Friday, and when everyone left my pants were missing. So I had everyone over again on Sunday, and I left the drawer with my pants closed. He goes to the bathroom and comes back with a huge bulge in his trousers, and my drawer is open and I am missing a pair of pants.
Waitress: So what are you gonna do?
Bartender: From now on I only buy skirts.

–Nation, 45th & 5th

Overheard by: Barely swallowed my drink

Clearly the Googleionaires Have Never Walked the NYC Streets

Date: Tue, 2 Aug 2005 11:51:21 -0700
From: Google AdSense
To: morgan@westegg.com
Subject: Google AdSense Account Status
Cc: Google AdSense Hello Steven, Thank you for your interest in Google AdSense. After reviewing your application, our program specialists have found that it does not comply with our policies. Therefore, we’re unable to accept you into Google AdSense at this time. We did not approve your application for the reasons listed below. If you are able to resolve these issues, please feel free to reply to this email for reconsideration when you have made the changes. Issues: - Inappropriate language ——————— Further detail: Inappropriate language: We’ve found that your website contains content that isn’t in compliance with our program policies. We don’t allow websites with excessive profanity or potentially offensive content to participate in Google AdSense. Please review our policies(https://www.google.com/adsense/policies?hl=en_US) for a complete list of site content not allowed on web pages. [Surely they don't mean "nigga"? --Ed.]

Crossing Delancey (A NYC Short Story)

I had just missed the train and was waiting on the bench at the end of the platform when a ragged looking crazy man starts pacing around in front of me. He says to himself: …and when I don’t take my medication, I get a little crazy, but I don’t like to take it because it makes me feel different…New Yorkers are all rude. In New Jersey they’ll say “Hi” back to you and ask how you are doing. New Yorkers are all rude or scared. Crazy man sits a seat down from me. I am a typical computer tech: glasses, chunky, and neat. I am looking straight at the tracks, ignoring him. Crazy man: This city’s full of queers and niggers and geeks, yeah geeks. He looks at me and says: They’re all rude or scared. Scared that you’ll beat them. Beat on them. You know what I mean? I don’t answer and am looking away from him. Crazy man: See! See! Rude…scared. He opens a NY Post. Crazy man: Look at all these murders. All these people dying. Ever think they deserved to die, though? I get up and walk all the way to the other end of the platform. The F train comes and I get on and sit down. I hear a voice next to me: Ever get the feeling you’re being followed? –Delancey Street station Overheard by: Matt

Wednesday One-liners Are Koo Koo

Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, lady. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya! –F train Queer: He totally has to understand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too! –27th street office Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you’ve been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not music. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy. –Bedford Avenue station Overheard by: Greg Rutter Crazy man: I already told you I don’t have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week. –54th & 11th Crazy woman: I’ve got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me. –World Financial Center Overheard by: Dr. Ballon Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans! –Union Square Overheard by: Kaitlen Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?…is watching me. –46th & 8th Overheard by: ballpeen hammer Crazy lady: I don’t believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot! –Lexington & 23rd Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! –19th between 7th & 8th

Your Paranoia Doesn’t Mean We Aren’t Listening

Woman: There were a few secret societies. I lived next to one of them. There was one at Cornell. The top two floors of this tower were locked up, and every so often there’d be lights.
Man: There’s a few secret societies in the US. The Masons, they’re really powerful. If you’re a lawyer and the judge is one, you go up and give a sign.
Woman: I don’t want to think the world is run that way. It makes me too paranoid. –N train