Archive for the ‘Parents’ Category

Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!

Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.

–90th & Amsterdam Ave

Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom…and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.

–South Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: smfd

Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Oh really

Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.

–W 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Katie_AK

Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Adriana

Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Taryn

Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility… I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?

–Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island

Is It Sick That I Wednesday on Their One-Liners?

Guy on phone: It's probably something beyond the bestiality in why you didn't get hired.

–4th & Lafayette

Overheard by: andy

Disembodied voice in crowd: Necrophilia, really?

–Times Square

Man: The thing is: my safety word is "No, harder, harder."

–NY Comic Con

Girl: No, seriously, my parents used to have like a harness and a leash for me, because I used to run away in the airport all the time.

–Fordham Law School

Girl to friend: Hot wax and genitals…either very good, or very, very bad.

–1st Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: Will

Guy: Great. She doesn't even know me and already she thinks I have a produce fetish.

–Whole Foods, Chelsea

Overheard by: Hunter (aka,

Silly Rabbit, Wednesday One-Liners Are for Kids

Excited little girl to friend: Hey! Wanna see my room? It's really cool! I got a bed!

–Whole Foods, Tribeca

Three-year-old girl, excitedly pointing at picture on store front: Look mommy, it's Buddha! It's Buddha!

–Ave B b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: EVgirl

Young girl to father: Only 1,486 days until I'm 18 and then I can do whatever the heck I want.

–E 78th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Brandon F

4-year-old girl to father trying to board overcrowded train: Jesus, we should have taken the bus! I told you we should have taken the bus.

–Uptown 4 Train

Overheard by: kdice

Five-year-old son to father who just dropped BlackBerry: What the hell just happened here?

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Four-year-old girl: I'mma hustla! I'mma, I'mma hustla!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Nina

Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…

–Nathan's, West 32nd St

Overheard by: SuzeV

Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st

Overheard by: Lillian

Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broadway

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.

–jet blue terminal, jfk

Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.

–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

Wednesday One-Liners Won’t Give Peace A Chance

Black guy: Man, niggas got guns. You don’t know what they gonna do.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: couldn’t stop laughing Hungry guy: Tell him I’m gonna kick his ass! Tell him I’m gonna fuck him up, and tell him to bring food.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Autumn Mother of the Year: My momma said, “All you gotta do is beat the hell out the biggest one of them, and the rest will fall in line.” And she was right, too.

–23rd & 11th Woman on cell: She went and married that man who her first husband shot her for goin’ out with.

–Foley Square Enthusiastic guy: Yeah! Come down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped! Just come on down to Ditmars and get your ass whipped. Yeah! We’ll whip your ass. So just come down to Ditmars. You’ll get your ass whipped. –N train, Queensboro Plaza Overheard by: Richard Berman Amateur chiropractor: She told the cops I hit her with a golf club. I didn’t hit that bitch with no golf club. If I hit that bitch with a golf club, her neck would be broken. –Behind Pathmark, 125th St Overheard by: wadotron Happy hobo: Oh man! Oh man! [Hugs friend repeatedly] Now I’m gonna kick your ass! –G train Overheard by: greenpoint blank

Wednesday One-liners Teach Your Children Well

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That’s right. You threw up. –4 train Overheard by: Leora Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin’ at the bar, talkin’ ’bout “old school.” How you gon’ talk ’bout “old school” when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that. –Merrill Lynch lobby, Broadway & Park Row Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel. –Broadway & 104th