Archive for the ‘Passengers’ Category

I'd Like You All Now to Join Me in a Chorus of “This Little Light of Mine”

Bus driver: Good morning passengers! You may have heard recently that bus drivers have been put on a diet to make them nicer and more helpful. Now this doctor has told me, “No more bacon and eggs, but a nice bowl of oatmeal. Oh, and lots of water, fruit. And instead of stopping for some pork fried rice in the afternoon, with chicken wings, a nice piece of flounder, maybe with some butter and herbs.” Now it's been 15 days, and I am so much more polite to passengers, saying “Good morning. How do you do?” I'm even nicer to mama when she gets home. Helpin' her with her carriage and bags; lowering the bus for people at the curb. So I just want to thank you and let you know to bear with me for another 15 days. Thank you and have a nice day. –B61 Bus Overheard by: I should have eaten breakfast

As the Dodgers Said in 1957

Guy #1: (howls like an animal)
Guy #2: (makes owl noise and starts hooting)
Group of people, including guys #1 and #2: (all start making animal calls, screams, hoots etc)
Man #1 on train: Shut the fuck up!
Group of howlers: (sporadically throws in more animal noises and then profusely thanks the glaring audience as they exit train)
Man#2 on train: At least they're someone else's problem now.
Man#1 on train: I'm never going to Brooklyn again. –F Train Overheard by: it only takes 3 stops to decide

Wednesday One-Liners, Literally

Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate! –14th b/w 3rd & 4th Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away) –Bowling Green Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots! –McCarren Park, Brooklyn (intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom: Shit.
(intercom continues to beep) –Hudson Line Train Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee! –Brooklyn Bridge Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers! –Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway Overheard by: Suze V

The Liquid Assets Of Wednesday One-Liners

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay. There is a problem with a signal and there are trains in front of us. The good news is, there's a bar car! –Metro North Overheard by: Anna Obese lady buying pork chops to obese friend: I be cutting down on on soda. –Troy Ave & Park Place Exasperated woman: And he was drinking Jack Daniels before he even got to my place… –3rd & 6th Overheard by: j Female suit on cell: Well, what do you expect? It was green Gatorade and grain alcohol! –Broadway & 54th St Overheard by: Loren Bag lady to another: Listen, Alice, if you don't want to lose your leg, you gotta drink water, they'll take your legs otherwise. –42nd St & 3rd Ave Overheard by: Robin Frantic woman on cell: Oh my god! There is no soy milk anywhere in this city! (sprints out of Starbucks) –Starbucks, Times Square Overheard by: ellie Tough guy outside bar with friends: So I like apple juice. What the fuck? –East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Are in a Transitional Phase

Conductor (after a few minutes waiting at signal): One of those trains better hurry it up and move it, I have better things to do. –N Train Conductor: Across the platform is an express 3 train. The doors are open, you can make it. Go for it! Go! Catch that train! (after a few stops) There is an express 2 train across the platform. You will make it. You will not miss it. You will make it. –1 Train Overheard by: motivated Cheerful conductor: Welcome to the station formerly known as Prince! –R Train Conductor: We are now arriving at Grand Central. This is our final stop. We're six minutes early, so now you can't say anything bad about us. –Metro North Train Overheard by: Angela Conductor: That is a 1 train and all trains are running express. Another local won't run til 5 am Monday. You can wait but we don't serve dinner or breakfast, and I'm all out of sleeping bags. –1 Train Overheard by: Steve Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, the train's emergency brakes have been activated for some reason. The train operator is going to walk around the train and check if there's a…body, or something, under the train. After that, we'll be able to move! –C Train Overheard by: Patient Passenger Train conductor: Last call for the 10:00 local…last call! Get on the train cause away we go, and it's 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…blastoff! –Metro North Overheard by: to mount kisco, and BEYOND!