Archive for the ‘Passengers’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Run the Other Underground Railroad

Conductor: This is the 3:07 off peak train to Huntington. Stopping at Woodside, Jamaica, New Hyde Park…blah, blah, blah, you get the idea. Watch the gap. (clicks microphone off) –LIRR Conductor: There's a 2 express train right across the platform. Ready, set, go! –1 Train Conductor: There's a Brighton Beach-bound b train across the platform. Say that three times fast. –F Train Overheard by: Thom Cohen Conductor: Ladies and gentleman, I have a very important announcement: this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. I repeat, this is not the last helicopter out of Saigon. There will be another train after this one, and another one after that. –Downtown 2 Train Train conductor: This message is for the young man who stepped to the edge of the platform at the front of the train. This train feels no pain, this train has no brain. How about you? –Downtown A Train Overheard by: Guitarbuyer Bus driver: This is East 18th Street. If you get off here, you'll be at the q train faster. If you choose to not use your god-given walking ability, the q train is next. –B11 Bus Overheard by: not using her god given walking ability Conductor: This is 96th Street. Next stop, 103rd. Everyone ready? And away we go! –1 Train Overheard by: Ali

Pugilism While Gurgling?

Conductor: Attention passengers, there will be no purgalism on this train tonight.
Drunken passengers: Did he just say “purgalism”? What the fuck is “purgalism”? Is that even a word?
(five minutes later)
Conductor: There will also be no puking on this train. No puking and no purgalism. I will not be taking any questions tonight. –LIRR

Wednesday One-Liners Get Railroaded

Conductor: Check around, make sure you have all of your belongings. If you have small children, make sure you hold onto them. (in haunting tone) Wouldn't want to see them disappear…into the gap. –Metro-North Line Overheard by: Jess Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently. –Penn Station Conductress, in monotone: The next stop on this train will be Grand Street, the last stop in the borough…in the borough….in the borough of Manhattan. –D Train Overheard by: Jon A. Conductor on PA: The next stop will be 51st Street. All of you lookin' for the local train on the other platform: hey yo! We over here! –14th Street Station MTA conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this train will be out of commission, uh…right now. Get out! –MetroNorth Train Overheard by: Kellin Train conductor: Ladies and gentleman, brace for impact. (pause) Nah…just kidding, I could never pull that shit off. Y'all lucky we underground! Have a safe day. –A Train

Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Nothing to Be Ashamed Of

Woman: Excuse me, can you tell me something? Do I have a hickey on my neck? I have to go to a lunch and I just want to know if I have a hickey on my neck. –SoHo Overheard by: kim Guy on cell: He shoved his hand in so many crevices that they looked like flippers. –2nd Ave & Houston Overheard by: gypsee Drunk girl: If Bethany doesn't have legs, nobody has legs. –1 Train Overheard by: oliviz Strange woman, seeing another woman massaging pressure points on friend's ear: She has a headache? It starts in the scrotum. –M14D Bus Man, missing stop: This is the problem with having a prostate that's bigger than your brain…you always forget to get off. –Downtown 1 Train Overheard by: rachel Girl: She slept with Harry, and she didn't know he only had one hand, and afterward she still didn't know he only had one hand. –Brother Jimmy's Restaurant Overheard by: Joe

Please Stand Behind the White Line While the Wednesday One-Liner Is in Motion

Bus driver, just before departing for Boston: Peace, love, and if no one's said it to you today, I love you. –34th & 8th Overheard by: Nina Bus driver: Hello? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? If so, you're too close to the front. Move to the back of the bus, back of the bus…I'll be here til 2 in the morning, I have plenty of time. –M86 Bus Overheard by: urbanadventurer MTA bus driver to woman with a kid: Excuse me, you have to pay for your kid to ride this train. See the line where your hand is? If he is shorter than that line, then he doesn't have to pay. But he is taller, and he has to pay. (woman and kid walk off bus, now he addresses passengers) But on a lighter note, happy New Year. –M86 Train Overheard by: Melissa Bus driver of crowded bus: This is Madison avenue. Get off! I mean…watch your step. –Bus, 86th St Overheard by: Michael Bus driver: This is the last stop, Queens Center. If you are going shopping today, I hope you find everything you are looking for. Also, please be nice to the salespeople. It's not easy dealing with people day after day. I should know, I'm a bus driver. –Q88 Bus Overheard by: Jenn