Archive for the ‘Pee’ Category

Someone Needs to Hire a Closet Organizer

Black teen boy #1: I think that dude is gay. His brother said that he saw him in the backyard with this other dude, who pulled his pants down and started jerking it right there.
Black teen boy #2: I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so this dude’s jerking off, and when he finally finishes, he shoots it right at the other dude.
Black teen boy #2: I told you, I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so he’s totally gay, because instead of beating him up, you know what he did?…No, instead of beating him up for shooting his shit on him, he pulled down his pants and peed on him.
Black teen boy #2: You are embarrassing yourself.
Black teen boy #1: That’s just what his brother told me. –Q train Woman: Okay, maybe your cousin’s not gay…but he’s more in touch with his inner faggot than any straight man I’ve ever known. –Key Food, 4th & A Teen girl #1: So she hooked up with him, and then a few months later he came out that he’s gay! So she hooked up with a gay guy!
Teen girl #2: Big deal, I’ve hooked up with like 3 gay guys. –2 train Guy #1: You know, I’m really into the color purple lately. Does that mean I’m gay?
Guy #2: Nah, purple’s all right with me.
Guy #1: Maybe it’s because of my childhood crush on Whoopi Goldberg. –Essex & Houston Guy #1: I’m not gay, dude.
Guy #2: Yes you are. I see you giving me those looks at work.
Guy #1: You know what? You’re right. So right here, right now, in front of God and the N train, will you go out wih me?
Guy #2: Shit man, I was kidding. You really are a fag. –N train Overheard by: Lydia Melamedas

Wednesday One-Liners Void Where Prohibited

Disgruntled suit on cell: I know how to pee! — Venti decaf frappucino — I’ve been doing it since I was born!

–Starbucks, Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: Mistress Silver

Girl to friend: … And then he just started peeing in front of all of us. Everyone else ran away except for me!

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: that’s the whole point of galoshes, right?

Whiny guy: I don’t mind getting into a pissing contest so long as I’ve got my stick!

–Boulevard Tavern, Greepoint

Chick meeting friends: Guys, don’t tell Jim this, but I just peed in between two subway cars on a moving train on the way here.

–Regal cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amazed that this is physically possible

Guy to buddy: I probably got the cleanest fucking urine in that whole building!

–Rector St & Trinity Pl

Overheard by: Benjie

Screaming man on cell: How many times do I have to tell you?! Do not piss on the street! Do not shit on the street! Do you hear me?!

–7th Ave, between 28th & 29th

Like That Guy Urinating Over There

Mom: Well, now we’re all going to visit Grandma.
Anxious child: No, Mommy! I don’t want to go to the hospital!
Mom: But we’re going to visit Grandma today…
Anxious child, screaming: No! I don’t want to go to the hospital! People urinate on the floor!
Mom: Everyone can hear you!

–1 train

Wednesday One-Liners Still Resent Giuliani

Hobo, walking quickly around a lady: You cannot fuck with a power walker!

–60th & 6th

Hobo on corner: Yo man, can I borrow like a hundred dollars plus tax?

–Outside Gray's Papaya

Panhandling teenager: I'm like Obama. I want change!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Canadian Girl

Hobo to self: I don't have anything against people with homes. Why, some of my very best friends have homes!

–E 35th & 6th Ave

Hobo to cops talking him away: Nah, man. I wasn't peeing on no stairs. What you don't understand is that I don't pee for anyone else, I pee for myself.

–145th Street Subway Station

Overheard by: Ben B.