Hobo: If you see me pissin’ on your lawn, it’s my disease. I have mental illness. I just got out of psychiatric. At this point he whipped it out and proceeded to water a tree. –Washington Square Park
Black teen boy #1: I think that dude is gay. His brother said that he saw him in the backyard with this other dude, who pulled his pants down and started jerking it right there.
Black teen boy #2: I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so this dude’s jerking off, and when he finally finishes, he shoots it right at the other dude.
Black teen boy #2: I told you, I don’t want to hear this.
Black teen boy #1: No, so he’s totally gay, because instead of beating him up, you know what he did?…No, instead of beating him up for shooting his shit on him, he pulled down his pants and peed on him.
Black teen boy #2: You are embarrassing yourself.
Black teen boy #1: That’s just what his brother told me. –Q train Woman: Okay, maybe your cousin’s not gay…but he’s more in touch with his inner faggot than any straight man I’ve ever known. –Key Food, 4th & A Teen girl #1: So she hooked up with him, and then a few months later he came out that he’s gay! So she hooked up with a gay guy!
Teen girl #2: Big deal, I’ve hooked up with like 3 gay guys. –2 train Guy #1: You know, I’m really into the color purple lately. Does that mean I’m gay?
Guy #2: Nah, purple’s all right with me.
Guy #1: Maybe it’s because of my childhood crush on Whoopi Goldberg. –Essex & Houston Guy #1: I’m not gay, dude.
Guy #2: Yes you are. I see you giving me those looks at work.
Guy #1: You know what? You’re right. So right here, right now, in front of God and the N train, will you go out wih me?
Guy #2: Shit man, I was kidding. You really are a fag. –N train Overheard by: Lydia Melamedas
Disgruntled suit on cell: I know how to pee! — Venti decaf frappucino — I’ve been doing it since I was born!
–Starbucks, Spring & Crosby
Overheard by: Mistress Silver
Girl to friend: … And then he just started peeing in front of all of us. Everyone else ran away except for me!
–St. Mark’s & 2nd
Overheard by: that’s the whole point of galoshes, right?
Whiny guy: I don’t mind getting into a pissing contest so long as I’ve got my stick!
–Boulevard Tavern, Greepoint
Chick meeting friends: Guys, don’t tell Jim this, but I just peed in between two subway cars on a moving train on the way here.
–Regal cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Amazed that this is physically possible
Guy to buddy: I probably got the cleanest fucking urine in that whole building!
–Rector St & Trinity Pl
Overheard by: Benjie
Screaming man on cell: How many times do I have to tell you?! Do not piss on the street! Do not shit on the street! Do you hear me?!
–7th Ave, between 28th & 29th
Man at urinal #1: I'd like to smack the motherfucker who invented the button fly.
Man at urinal #2: Seriously. He clearly wasn't a drinker.
Man at urinal #1: It's just so selfish.
Tourist chick: Of course he doesn’t speak English…at least until you piss on his floor. –Chinatown
Mom: Well, now we’re all going to visit Grandma.
Anxious child: No, Mommy! I don’t want to go to the hospital!
Mom: But we’re going to visit Grandma today…
Anxious child, screaming: No! I don’t want to go to the hospital! People urinate on the floor!
Mom: Everyone can hear you!
Woman leaving K-Mart: What the hell smells like piss?
(hobo with cart full of belongings begins to walk towards her and almost hits her)
Woman: You better watch where you pushing your fucking house!
Overheard by: I love NYC!
UPS employee: Ma'am, you're going to have to calm down.
Angry customer: Lady, you're lucky I ain't got a hot cup of piss on me right now, 'coz you would be wearing it.
–Post Office, Lower East Side
Overheard by: Amused yet disturbed
Male suit: Sweet! They're getting me a new BlackBerry!
Female suit: Can I have your old one? You just got it.
Male suit: Eh, the middle button is broken. I may have to send it in.
Female suit: Your middle button is broken. You pee your pants when I touch it. That doesn't mean I don't want you.
Overheard by: Kellz
Hobo, walking quickly around a lady: You cannot fuck with a power walker!
–60th & 6th
Hobo on corner: Yo man, can I borrow like a hundred dollars plus tax?
–Outside Gray's Papaya
Panhandling teenager: I'm like Obama. I want change!
Overheard by: Canadian Girl
Hobo to self: I don't have anything against people with homes. Why, some of my very best friends have homes!
–E 35th & 6th Ave
Hobo to cops talking him away: Nah, man. I wasn't peeing on no stairs. What you don't understand is that I don't pee for anyone else, I pee for myself.
–145th Street Subway Station
Overheard by: Ben B.