Archive for the ‘Pee’ Category

Ew, Who Wednesday One-Linered?

Elderly janitor, watching pierced teenagers get in line: I'm gonna fart on one of these people. –Broadway & Houston Angry man on cell: They think they're so perfect, but I bet they piss and burp and fart like the rest of us. –80th St & 34th Ave Hobo: Can you spare some change? I need to buy some new underwear, I farted and shat in these. –83rd St & Broadway Overheard by: new girl in town Tiny brunette: Have you ever had to pee so bad, and suddenly you fart and then you don't have to pee that badly anymore? –7 Train Young woman to friend: Yeah, and then she started fartin' a bunch. But she was farting out of her pussy. And Ashley got pissed, cause then, she started makin' a beat out of it. –125th St & Lexington Overheard by: Stephen

A Steady Stream of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Yeah, that was the night I pissed all over his walls. –Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer Overheard by: hjane Dude: I think she’s pretty cool, even though she tried to pee on me that one time. –Rumours, 55th & 8th Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson Girl on cell: …Well, I was, until he peed his pants. It was all downhill from there. –Upper East Side Overheard by: kelsey Guy on cell: She got pissed on… So do I. I guess if she can survive another two months… How much damage do you think he can do? –Columbia University Overheard by: Al E Ro Guy entering bank: Fuck that dragworm! It’s my bank! I’m gonna give him a tip because he stepped in front of me to hold the door? Fuck that! It’s like if I was gonna piss and he knocked my hand aside to grab my dick. –Washington Mutual

Get to Unironic Unwrapping, New York!

Hipster guy: Hey, can you wrap that?
Cashier guy: Sure.
Hipster guy: Do you have any funny wrapping paper that says stuff like “Sorry your dad died” or something?
Cashier guy: Uh…no.
Hipster guy: Oh, damn. Well, do you have anything funny or weird or something?
Cashier guy: Well, we have one with little kids riding big flying books through clouds shaped like cute little animals.
Hipster guy: Yeah, no, I don’t think that will work. I don’t need to wrap it, right?
Cashier guy: Uh…I guess not.
Hipster guy: I just wanted it to be special and funny, and like ironic.
Cashier guy: Well, you can urinate on it. That would be really special and downright hilarious.
Hipster guy: Uh….okay, I’ll get the flying books paper. –Barnes & Noble, 6th Avenue & 8th Street Overheard by: m-co

He Forgot to Pull Up His Tights

Drunk male ballet dancer: Can I have your attention, please? I’m not asking for money — I just want to let you all know that I need to pee and I’m going to step between the cars for a moment. I’ll be right back, don’t worry. [He steps out of the car onto the walkway for a few seconds, then comes back in. Whole car applauds.] –1 train

Smells Like Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Don’t walk me behind me, I’m about to fart. –Times Square station Girl: God, it smells like an armpit farted in here. –Rififi, E. 11th Street Overheard by: Miso Guy on cell: Baby, baby, please, listen, I just, I’m almost there, c’mon, I’m comin’ up on your building now, baby, don’t be like that! Look out the window and you’ll see me! Shit, you can smell me, baby. –12th & D Fratboy: My shorts smell like a little boy’s balls. –Coney Island beach Overheard by: Alissa Woman: Just so you know, it smells like someone urinated in there. –Banana Republic, 16th & 5th Overheard by: beth wren

Nothing to Be Ashamed of — It’s Just Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I’m stuck! –Indian restaurant Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah! –Staten Island Ferry Guy in stall: I’m an atheist! I’m an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power! –NYC Main Library Trendy girl in stall: The toilet’s trying to eat my ass! –Morimoto Overheard by: I’d say give a spit polish more than eat 50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom… I had to pee-pee, so I’m in the bathroom at Barney’s… Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she’d have to get a biopsy… Hold on while I wipe. –Barney’s Overheard by: Caryn