Archive for the ‘Pee’ Category

Get to Unironic Unwrapping, New York!

Hipster guy: Hey, can you wrap that?
Cashier guy: Sure.
Hipster guy: Do you have any funny wrapping paper that says stuff like “Sorry your dad died” or something?
Cashier guy: Uh…no.
Hipster guy: Oh, damn. Well, do you have anything funny or weird or something?
Cashier guy: Well, we have one with little kids riding big flying books through clouds shaped like cute little animals.
Hipster guy: Yeah, no, I don’t think that will work. I don’t need to wrap it, right?
Cashier guy: Uh…I guess not.
Hipster guy: I just wanted it to be special and funny, and like ironic.
Cashier guy: Well, you can urinate on it. That would be really special and downright hilarious.
Hipster guy: Uh….okay, I’ll get the flying books paper. –Barnes & Noble, 6th Avenue & 8th Street Overheard by: m-co

He Forgot to Pull Up His Tights

Drunk male ballet dancer: Can I have your attention, please? I’m not asking for money — I just want to let you all know that I need to pee and I’m going to step between the cars for a moment. I’ll be right back, don’t worry. [He steps out of the car onto the walkway for a few seconds, then comes back in. Whole car applauds.] –1 train

Smells Like Wednesday One-liners

Girl: Don’t walk me behind me, I’m about to fart. –Times Square station Girl: God, it smells like an armpit farted in here. –Rififi, E. 11th Street Overheard by: Miso Guy on cell: Baby, baby, please, listen, I just, I’m almost there, c’mon, I’m comin’ up on your building now, baby, don’t be like that! Look out the window and you’ll see me! Shit, you can smell me, baby. –12th & D Fratboy: My shorts smell like a little boy’s balls. –Coney Island beach Overheard by: Alissa Woman: Just so you know, it smells like someone urinated in there. –Banana Republic, 16th & 5th Overheard by: beth wren

Nothing to Be Ashamed of — It’s Just Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl screaming to mother from bathroom stall: Why do I have to flush every time? Oh, no, I’m stuck! –Indian restaurant Black man singing while peeing at urinal: Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? Oh, Lord, when can I go to heaven? [Finishes urinating abruptly.] Thank you, Lord Jesus. Hallelujah! –Staten Island Ferry Guy in stall: I’m an atheist! I’m an atheist! [He shits.] Thank you! Thank you, MLK, for giving me the power! –NYC Main Library Trendy girl in stall: The toilet’s trying to eat my ass! –Morimoto Overheard by: I’d say give a spit polish more than eat 50-ish lady on cell in stall: Hello? In the bathroom… I had to pee-pee, so I’m in the bathroom at Barney’s… Yeah, so the doctor said she might have cancer and she’d have to get a biopsy… Hold on while I wipe. –Barney’s Overheard by: Caryn

Wednesday One-Liners Are Potty Mouths

Man in stall, struggling: Damn you, Taco Bell! –Bathroom, John Jay College Girl on cell in stall: I liked him better when he was homeless. –Bathroom, Lerner Hall, Columbia University Overheard by: Sydney Drunk hipster in stall: Don’t get the kielbasa sandwich. –Club Warsaw, Williamsburg Overheard by: nickporjr Man on cell in stall: Hold on a second, honey. [Biological sounds] Okay, I’m back. Look, there’s no way to say this other than right out. This week together made me think things over. Will you marry me? –Office bathroom, 44th & Lex Overheard by: Tony Drunk girl in stall, to herself: Okay, this time let’s try not to pee all over my jeans. –Cabana, Maritime Hotel Girl in stall: Uggghhh! Fuck… [Panting] Fuck! –Bathroom, Fordham Law School Overheard by: Seriously concerned Guy at urinal: Oh yeah, son! Yeah, I am dominating this shit! –Library Bathroom, Fordham University