Archive for the ‘Penis’ Category

He Had a Three Foot Proof of Intelligent Design

20-ish guy: I wish I had a gi-normous cock. I mean, a cock the size of a baseball bat.
20-ish girl: What would you do with it? No woman could fit it in.
20-ish guy: Doesn’t matter. If I had a cock that big I’d never have to argue with anyone again.
20-ish girl: How do you figure that?
20-ish guy: If someone disagreed with me I would take out my 34-inch cock, flip it up on the table like a mutant Chateaubriand and make a face like this [makes a ‘So there!’ face].
20s-ish girl: So, let me get this straight: You think that a giant penis trumps a logical argument?
20-ish guy: Well, doesn’t it? Like with that guy you met in Aruba last winter?
20-ish girl, after long stare: I told you never to mention that again. –Bar, Manhattan Ave, Greenpoint Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses

Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands) –34th St & 9th St Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning! –Penn Station Bathroom Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me. –25th St & Park Ave Overheard by: I agree Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick? –Restroom, Grand Central Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel! –Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas Overheard by: Russ Wall

We Prefer to Think of Wednesday One-Liners as “Found Art”

Girl on cell: So I bought this air conditioner for my living room, and it's entirely too large for me to install by myself, because it weighs 78 lbs. No, seriously, I cannot even get it out of the box. I know–for the time being I'm just referring to it as a Duchamp "readymade." Ew! Don't you call me bohemian! –19th & 6th Art professor: You should look at Picasso and Matisse. These people will be more important to you than your family. Cousin Philly. I had a cousin Philly, and I loved him very much. But he's dead now. –Pratt Institute Overheard by: traPt Lawyer to friend, about Vincent van Gogh: You know, I could have gotten him disability. –Van Gogh Exhibit, MoMA Woman, discussing gallery: It was all modern stuff–but not, like, the kind of modern art that children can do. –20th & 5th Tourist boy: You can see his penis! It's not art if you can see his penis! –Petrie Court, Metropolitan Museum of Art

This Is Not a Hard Problem

50-something yuppie guy to another: My wife just doesn't understand that men go through menopause too. It's not just a woman's problem. These past few months I can tell that I've begun my menopause.
Teenage girl sitting across from two yuppies: I'm pretty sure they call what you're going through “erectile dysfunction.” –F Train Overheard by: Sophia

Wednesdays Pad Their One-Liners

Football player on razor scooter, chasing shirtless theater major: I'll get you my pretty… And your little dick too! –Wagner College Girl, looking at long ladies bathroom queue: At times like these, I wish women had dicks. –Winter Garden Theatre Slightly drunk man: I feel like someone just shut a door on my dick. –Park Slope Overheard by: Sunny Hooker to pimp: I had to suck his dick in front of everyone! –Outside Penn Station Overheard by: David