Pilot: Passengers, please move your seat into the least comfortable position. We are now approaching LaGuardia intergalactic airport. I'm your pilot, T.J. Maxx.
–JetBlue Airplane
Pilot over intercom: We are about to depart, so please turn off your iPhones, Sidekicks, BlackBerrys, Blueberrys, Pinkberrys, Strawberrys and all other mobile devices. Even you, girl in the blue scarf.
–LaGuardia Flight
Flight attendant: In the meantime we ask that passengers please continue to use oxygen at their leisure.
–JFK
Bored-looking flight attendant, explaining how to board the plane in order: The letter on your boarding pass stands for the which group you may board with: a, b, or c. The number underneath stands for the amount of money you could save by switching to GEICO.
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: Frequent Flyer
Archive for the ‘Pilots’ Category
Wednesday 1:00-Liners
Dude, in front of closed Staples: Staples doesn't open until fucking noon? What are we, in a goddamn small town? Noon? Am I supposed to be in fucking church right now? God!
–Meeker St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Simon
Girl on cell: Because I don't function in the world of time so well.
–7th Ave b/w 27th & 28th St
Overheard by: John C
Pilot on PA: JetBlue welcomes you to New York City, where the local time is 1:40… 1:45… Kinda… I think.
–JFK
Law student to another: What time is it in the real world?
–Fordham Law School
Wednesday Airliners
Stewardess: Welcome to New York, and on behalf of United Airlines we'd like to thank you for choosing us. Once again, this really is New York.
–La Guardia Airport
Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, we're going through some turbulence. Make sure you are seated with your belts fastened. I will get back to you when we start our descent. (noise in the intercom) This is not looking good.
–Near JFK Airport
Overheard by: We managed to land…
Stewardess on flight leaving for Chicago: Now, I realize that most of you have the following safety video memorized. However, you never know if the person sitting next to you is a first time flier, particularly safety-conscious, or an FAA inspector.
–La Guardia International Airport
Flight attendant, over PA: There will be no smoking aboard this flight. Alaska Airlines is a completely smoke-free airline…and, frankly, it's just bad for your health.
–Flight to Newark Airport
Overheard by: wink
Flight attendant: Sorry, guys, but we're still waiting on one more passenger. (pause) How many of you think we should just leave him? (half the passengers raise their hands) New Yorkers, New Yorkers…
–JFK to Ft. Lauderdale Flight
Thank God for Computers
Pilot to copilot: So do you fly these often?
Copilot: No.
–LaGuardia Airport
Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign
Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.
–JFK
Overheard by: SJK
Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store.
–JFK
Overheard by: Allie
Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.
–JFK
Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…
–JFK
JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.
–JFK
Overheard by: lonely passenger
What Happens When You Hate Freedom
Captain, upon landing: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the United States of America.
Middle aged woman: Bleheeeeeeh! (vomits profusely for five minutes)
–JFK
Your Editors Do Not Wish to Get Involved in This
Pilot: We are now arriving in at JFK airport in New York City, home of the Yankees.
Met fan: That's not right…(yelling) What about the Mets?
Pilot: No one cares.
Rest of passengers: (cheering)
–Jet Blue Flight
Wednesday One-Liners Sneak Big Shampoo Into Their Carry-Ons
Pilot: We haven't been cleared for landing yet, so we're just going to have to fly around for about 30 minutes. We have about 45 minutes worth of fuel left, so we should be okay.
–Flight into LaGuardia
Overheard by: Andrea
TSA representative to man punching the beeping metal detector: Sir, I don't think that you understand how this works, but you are not supposed to punch the machine when it beeps.
–JFK
Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen of the jur… We'll be coming around to serve refreshments shortly.
–JFK to Burbank
Overheard by: Bella
Pilot: I would like to apologize for the long delay and I am happy to announce that we will shortly be making our way over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go in Louisville. Our flux capacitor is up and running and once this baby hits 188 miles per hour you'd better hold on tight.
–LaGuardia Airport
Pilot: So, is everyone excited to go to Honolulu?
–JFK Flight to San Francisco
Overheard by: that would be nice, though…
But You Know What They Say — “Beer Before Liquor; Fly There Quicker”
Pilot (after landing plane in New York): American Airlines welcomes you all to foggy Ottawa, and we hope you had a pleasant flight.
Everybody on plane: Huh? What!
Pilot: Whoopsies, I mean New York City, JFK. (under his breath but still audible) I should drink less.
–JFK Tarmac
Overheard by: seat 32B
All Wednesday One-Liners Over Six Ounces Will Be Confiscated
[Plane lands, bounces 20 feet into the air, finally slams back to earth, knocking all the oxygen masks out.]
Flight Attendant: Thank you for choosing American Airlines, ladies and gentlemen, obviously we have have landed…
–LaGuardia Airport
Overheard by: M. Smith/Terrified Passenger
Flight Attendant: Chicken or beef? Chicken or beef? … Don’t think about it too long honey, they taste like cardboard.
–United Flight
Flight Attendant: We have two lavatories in the back of the plane and one in the front. Please use them.
–LaGuardia Airport
Pilot: Remember, there are 50 ways to leave your lover, but only 8 ways out of this aircraft.
–JFK Runway
Overheard by: cms
Pilot, after an unusually smooth landing: God damn, that landin’ was butta!
–Jet Blue JFK