Archive for the ‘Pilots’ Category

Jet-Propelled Wednesday One-Liners

Pilot: We’re on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school. –Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK Flight attendant announcing boarding call: If you have given up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane. –LaGuardia United Airlines employee on PA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to use the last-one-on-is-a-rotten-egg method of boarding here. –LaGuardia Overheard by: Hour-and-a-Half Delayed Pilot, as the seatbelt sign goes off: All rise. –Airtran flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia Overheard by: Debbie Kate Stewardess: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention I would very much appreciate it. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put me through college for a theater arts and communications degree, and since this is the only time the airline ever puts a microphone in my hand, I’m sure they would really appreciate it, too. –United flight from LaGuardia to Chicago Overheard by: Ellen Airline representative: Paging La… La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Paging… Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk. –LaGuardia Overheard by: Delayed Pilot: Why, hello, everyone! This is your captain, Bud Howard, and your copilot, Harvey the Rabbit. The FCC or FCA… Some fancy organization told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-budget and entertaining movie on how to act on a United flight. Basically, if you’ve been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seatbelt. You can’t be jumpin’ up and down like a jimmy-cricket, and the sooner you watch it the sooner I can push this big mother. Lastly, my young Jedi here says he’ll fly us so I’m going to take a little nap while our copilot does everything. Relax. Anyone doesn’t know what I said, find the nearest southerner and ask for a translation. –LaGuardia Overheard by: this one goes out to dan cao

Economy-Class Wednesday One-Liners

AirTran flight attendant over intercom: We hope you ladies and gentlemen had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the windows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like. –LaGuardia Airline employee over loudspeaker: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Airline loudspeaker, 10 minutes later: Seriously, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Airline Loudspeaker, 10 more minutes later: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now! –JFK Airport Overheard by: Kim Flight attendant: The captain has advised us that our flying time will be quick, at an altitude of high and a speed of fast. –JFK airport Flight attendant: We do encounter bumps between the runway and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the captain’s fault. It’s the asphalt. –JFK airport Flight Attendant: Thank you for flying US Airways, and have a happy… happy… what the hell holiday is this? Columbus? Psssh, that ain’t no holiday. Have a good week! –LaGuardia Airport American Airline pilot: Ok guys, we’re just waiting on some United dude to clear our tail so we can push. –La Guardia Airport – about to take off Overheard by: So K Pilot flying into LaGuardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beautiful, famous downtown skyline of Manhattan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sighing] New Jersey. –LaGuardia Overheard by: mj kiran

Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York. –JFK Overheard by: SJK Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store. –JFK Overheard by: Allie Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work. –JFK Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose… –JFK JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue. –JFK Overheard by: lonely passenger

Wednesday 1:00-Liners

Dude, in front of closed Staples: Staples doesn't open until fucking noon? What are we, in a goddamn small town? Noon? Am I supposed to be in fucking church right now? God! –Meeker St, Brooklyn Overheard by: Simon Girl on cell: Because I don't function in the world of time so well. –7th Ave b/w 27th & 28th St Overheard by: John C Pilot on PA: JetBlue welcomes you to New York City, where the local time is 1:40… 1:45… Kinda… I think. –JFK Law student to another: What time is it in the real world? –Fordham Law School

Wednesday Mile-Highliners

Pilot: Passengers, please move your seat into the least comfortable position. We are now approaching LaGuardia intergalactic airport. I'm your pilot, T.J. Maxx. –JetBlue Airplane Pilot over intercom: We are about to depart, so please turn off your iPhones, Sidekicks, BlackBerrys, Blueberrys, Pinkberrys, Strawberrys and all other mobile devices. Even you, girl in the blue scarf. –LaGuardia Flight Flight attendant: In the meantime we ask that passengers please continue to use oxygen at their leisure. –JFK Bored-looking flight attendant, explaining how to board the plane in order: The letter on your boarding pass stands for the which group you may board with: a, b, or c. The number underneath stands for the amount of money you could save by switching to GEICO. –LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: Frequent Flyer

Wednesday Airliners

Stewardess: Welcome to New York, and on behalf of United Airlines we'd like to thank you for choosing us. Once again, this really is New York. –La Guardia Airport Pilot: Ladies and gentleman, we're going through some turbulence. Make sure you are seated with your belts fastened. I will get back to you when we start our descent. (noise in the intercom) This is not looking good. –Near JFK Airport Overheard by: We managed to land… Stewardess on flight leaving for Chicago: Now, I realize that most of you have the following safety video memorized. However, you never know if the person sitting next to you is a first time flier, particularly safety-conscious, or an FAA inspector. –La Guardia International Airport Flight attendant, over PA: There will be no smoking aboard this flight. Alaska Airlines is a completely smoke-free airline…and, frankly, it's just bad for your health. –Flight to Newark Airport Overheard by: wink Flight attendant: Sorry, guys, but we're still waiting on one more passenger. (pause) How many of you think we should just leave him? (half the passengers raise their hands) New Yorkers, New Yorkers… –JFK to Ft. Lauderdale Flight