Archive for the ‘Pilots’ Category

Looks Like We’re in for a Bad Spell of Wednesday One-Liners

Little girl: Mommy, it’s snowing in my eyes!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Elderly Hispanic woman wading through snow: Skoosh! Shoosh! Skoosh! Wee! Skoosh!

–28th & Park

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Bus conductor in droning, somber voice: Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather, the express trains are temporarily discontinued. [Suddenly sounding bright and chipper.] In other words, it’s cold outside, folks! So if you think you can just wait for the local, you wrong! So all y’all just get out the way o’ my doors and let’s go!

–4 Train

Drunk blonde: Omigod, is it like raining? There’s like water falling from the sky outside.

–LIRR

Girl on cell, on first nice day of spring: This weather just makes me want to drink…I have been sitting outside for ten minutes and all of a sudden I can’t get booze off my mind.

–72nd & Columbus

Pilot: Welcome on board flight number [mumble]… We have a 45 minute flight to Ithaca, New York, where the weather is [dramatic pause] fucking awful! Why you guys going there?

–LaGuardia Airport

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners, Cold Enough for You?

Woman on Bluetooth: How’s the weather like in your New York?

–33rd & Broadway

Old lady: Geez! Man! It is really cold here! [Looks at other lady] This is why I live in Brooklyn!

–96th & Broadway

Brit tourist to another: Eeee, I knew it were gonna be cold, but I forgot we’d have to, like, go outside.

–Central Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Chick on cell: Why can’t you pick me up, Dad? … I don’t want to wait for the bus — it’s too cold out… Okay, thanks. See you later. [Hangs up phone.] Asshole.

–Bronx-bound 4 train

Overheard by: Sternie

Queer hipster: It’s gonna be cold this weekend. Like, negative four or negative zero.

–Essex Restaurant, LES

Pilot: Welcome aboard our plane this afternoon, with direct service to Atlanta. The current weather in Atlanta is actually colder than it is here, so it sucks to be you.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: jaybrrd

I Just Flew in from Wednesday, and Boy, Are My One-Liners Tired!

Flight attendant: Once again, please remain seated until the captain does turn off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign… That includes all passengers in row nine… That includes all passengers wearing a blue polo… Yes, thank you, and have a great day.

–JFK

Pilot: Welcome to JetBlue flight 703 to San Juan… I’m from South Carolina. We do something special there — we let our kids drive at the age of fifteen. I’ve got a 15-year-old son and a 16-year-old daughter, so if you’re thinking of driving to Florida, do me a favor and fly JetBlue — it’s safer than driving through South Carolina, and my car insurance for my daughter last year was 15 hundred dollars, and now I have to add my son, so I really need this job to afford it.

–JFK

Overheard by: alan b hutscar

Flight attendant: … And if you do require anything during this flight, simply press the button located above your head. Do not approach the galley, as it scares the hell out of me and I am not emotionally prepared to handle that today.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Sheffler

Flight attendant: … And be sure that you lock your tray tables and place your seat backs in their least comfortable position for takeoff.

–JFK

Overheard by: Ardbeg78

Pilot: Well, folks, I’m sorry about the delay, but, uh, airplanes are complicated machines, you know? And sometimes they break.

–United flight, JFK

Overheard by: clueless about electronics

Big, jolly black woman about to be frisked at security: You have yo’self a good time!

–JFK

Overheard by: Nancy L.

Jet-Propelled Wednesday One-Liners

Pilot: We’re on our way to New York where the weather is cold and icy, just like my prom date back in high school.

–Jet Blue flight 114 from Ft. Lauderdale to JFK

Flight attendant announcing boarding call: If you have given up your seat on this flight, please do not board the plane.

–LaGuardia

United Airlines employee on PA: Okay, ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to use the last-one-on-is-a-rotten-egg method of boarding here.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Hour-and-a-Half Delayed

Pilot, as the seatbelt sign goes off: All rise.

–Airtran flight from Atlanta to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Debbie Kate

Stewardess: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention I would very much appreciate it. My parents paid thousands of dollars to put me through college for a theater arts and communications degree, and since this is the only time the airline ever puts a microphone in my hand, I’m sure they would really appreciate it, too.

–United flight from LaGuardia to Chicago

Overheard by: Ellen

Airline representative: Paging La… La-gua-ti-ne Pu-ra-na-ma-te? Paging… Eh, I know I messed that one up. If your name rhymes with the one I just said or it sounds at all like yours, please come to the desk.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Delayed

Pilot: Why, hello, everyone! This is your captain, Bud Howard, and your copilot, Harvey the Rabbit. The FCC or FCA… Some fancy organization told me to tell you that I have to show you a very low-budget and entertaining movie on how to act on a United flight. Basically, if you’ve been around the past 50 years you know how to put on a seatbelt. You can’t be jumpin’ up and down like a jimmy-cricket, and the sooner you watch it the sooner I can push this big mother. Lastly, my young Jedi here says he’ll fly us so I’m going to take a little nap while our copilot does everything. Relax. Anyone doesn’t know what I said, find the nearest southerner and ask for a translation.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: this one goes out to dan cao

Wednesday One-Liners’ Lives Are in the Hands of Cynical Strangers

Pilot: For those of you seated on the left, if you look out of your window you can see the beautiful Manhattan skyline. For those seated on the right… thank you for flying United.

–Flight to Newark

Overheard by: will

Captain: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m your captain, James T. Kirk, and today I’ll be assisted by my copilot, Ricky Bobby.

–JetBlue flight, JFK

Overheard by: jewish girl

Flight attendant: Welcome to New York’s LaGuardia airport, where the local time is way too early in the morning!

–Red-eye flight from Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Overheard by: Johanna Cipolla

Female flight attendant: In response to the many requests about what in-flight movies will be playing I have decided to make a public announcement: we are playing Gone with the Wind, and you are all free to sit on the wing to watch it. There is one oxygen mask per seat, and two in the bathroom. Why there are two in the bathroom — your guess is as good as mine. Thank you, and have a pleasant flight.

–Southwest flight to JFK

Flight attendant on PA: Be careful when opening the overhead bins. Items can shift during flight and fall on you, or even, God forbid, me.

Overheard by: Earthborn

–American Airlines flight, JFK

Flight attendant: Please take out the safety cards in your seat’s back pocket and pretend to follow along.

–United flight 7418, LaGuardia

Overheard by: Natalya Petrovna

Flight attendant: Thank you for listening to the safety announcement for this Boeing 777 service to Atlanta… [Proceeds in low whisper] Go to sleep. Go to sleep. You don’t want any beverages. Close your eyes and sleeep

–Red-eye flight, LaGuardia

Overheard by: Drewp

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Captive Audience

Pilot: In just a few minutes our flight attendants will be starting beverage and snack service, including Coca Cola products and five snack options. Please listen carefully, as FAA regulations strictly prohibit our flight attendants from repeating these options.

–Incoming flight, LaGuardia

Flight attendant on intercom: Well, everybody, sorry for that delay — the plane was late coming in from California. On the other hand, I have some good news: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.

–JFK

Overheard by: geico lizard

Gate attendant: We will be boarding this flight to Atlanta shortly, but this flight is overbooked. At this time, we’re asking for two volunteers to… Damn, bitch!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: jaybrrd

Pilot on intercom: Ladies and gentlemen, we’d like to welcome you aboard and thank you for choosing, uh, JetBlue… This is JetBlue, right?

–JetBlue flight leaving JFK

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Flight attendant: We want to thank you for flying with us today and remind you that there’s no one who loves you or your money more than Delta.

–JFK

Overheard by: mrmcd

Flight attendant on intercom: Please turn off your cell phones, pagers, iPods, laptops… Basically, anything that is bringing you joy right now, just turn it off.

–JFK

Overheard by: babs standigio

Flight attendant on intercom after landing: Well, we’re here.

–LaGuardia

Economy-Class Wednesday One-Liners

AirTran flight attendant over intercom: We hope you ladies and gentlemen had a nice flight, and we ask that you all press your faces against the windows so Delta can see what a full flight looks like.

–LaGuardia

Airline employee over loudspeaker: Last call for John Smith* to board flight 1234.
Airline loudspeaker, 10 minutes later: Seriously, last call for John Smith* for flight 1234.
Airline Loudspeaker, 10 more minutes later: Okay, John Smith, you know we love you, but the plane has to take off now!

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Kim

Flight attendant: The captain has advised us that our flying time will be quick, at an altitude of high and a speed of fast.

–JFK airport

Flight attendant: We do encounter bumps between the runway and the gate — that’s not my fault. It’s not even the captain’s fault. It’s the asphalt.

–JFK airport

Flight Attendant: Thank you for flying US Airways, and have a happy… happy… what the hell holiday is this? Columbus? Psssh, that ain’t no holiday. Have a good week!

–LaGuardia Airport

American Airline pilot: Ok guys, we’re just waiting on some United dude to clear our tail so we can push.

–La Guardia Airport – about to take off

Overheard by: So K

Pilot flying into LaGuardia: If you look out the right side of the plane, you can see the beautiful, famous downtown skyline of Manhattan. [Pause.] And if you look out the left side… [pause, sighing] New Jersey.

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: mj kiran

Wednesday One-Liners Join the Jet Set

Intercom voice: If you heard your name, or something that sounds like it could be your name, please board your plane. It is leaving! –AirTran gates, LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: Sebastian White Security official: Okay, people, have your boarding passes out! If you don’t have your boarding passes out, I’m sending you to Amtrak! –Security screening line, LaGuardia Airport Overheard by: Beth T Pilot, on crowded runway: Welcome to the parking lot known as LaGuardia Airport. –LaGuardia Tarmac Pilot: The mist you are seeing is caused by a difference in temperature. The temperature outside is different from the temperature inside. Once we close the door and prepare for take-off, the mist will disappear, which will make us very sad because we like mist. –Jetblue flight into New York Overheard by: Denise Pilot: Good afternoon, passengers. We are about to make our final descent into John F. Kennedy International Airport, so buckle your seatbelts and hold on tight. –Flight into JFK Overheard by: frequent flyer Sassy flight attendant: In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will be released from the overhead above your seat. After the screaming subsides, please place the oxygen mask around your nose and mouth. If you are traveling with a child or an adult who is acting like a child, place your mask on first before attempting to help put theirs on. –Flight out of LaGuardia Overheard by: Ronnie F Flight attendant: …and for those of you who wish to smoke, quit! And if you want to smoke inside, you came to the wrong state. –Spirit Air flight into LaGuardia Overheard by: Kathryn