Archive for the ‘Poop’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Lick Themselves with Noisy Enthusiasm

Man walking dog: Yo, take a shit right here.

–Houston & Mangin

Overheard by: How about a little to the left?

Woman to her gang-banging pug dog: Everyone can have love together!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: riana

Man to Yorkie, tugging at leash outside porn shop: You don’t want to go in there. Nothing you could use in there… Hmmm, except maybe the rubber goods.

–28th & 8th

Overheard by: Chuckell

Upset man to black lab walking sheepishly beside him: They didn’t want you in there because you’re black, and they should have the guts to say so! We should go back to that fucking place and burn it down! [Pats pooch on head.] Good girl. You’re a good girl. [They start walking away again, and man mutters to himself] Motherfuckers.

–W 4th St

Wednesday One-Liners Void Where Prohibited

Disgruntled suit on cell: I know how to pee! — Venti decaf frappucino — I’ve been doing it since I was born!

–Starbucks, Spring & Crosby

Overheard by: Mistress Silver

Girl to friend: … And then he just started peeing in front of all of us. Everyone else ran away except for me!

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: that’s the whole point of galoshes, right?

Whiny guy: I don’t mind getting into a pissing contest so long as I’ve got my stick!

–Boulevard Tavern, Greepoint

Chick meeting friends: Guys, don’t tell Jim this, but I just peed in between two subway cars on a moving train on the way here.

–Regal cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amazed that this is physically possible

Guy to buddy: I probably got the cleanest fucking urine in that whole building!

–Rector St & Trinity Pl

Overheard by: Benjie

Screaming man on cell: How many times do I have to tell you?! Do not piss on the street! Do not shit on the street! Do you hear me?!

–7th Ave, between 28th & 29th

Moist Wipes For All Escaping Religous Persecution

Little girl: Mommy, I’m hot. Can we swim in there?
Mom: No, sweetie. Everyone in New York poops in that river. –Ferry to Ellis Island
Headline by: agela abdullah
Runners-Up:
· “And Your Turn to Poop in it Isn’t Until February” – Ryan
· “Great, I Need to Top up my Tan!” – SpaceBee
· “I Hear the McDonald’s Pool in the Back is Nice This Time of Year” – Lifeguard Larry
· “Like the Backseat of Your Volvo, Mommy?” – Jeff
· “M. Night Shamalan’s Next Script Idea” – Bevan
· “That’s the New Definition of ‘Hipster.'” – Matthew K Johnson
· “The Statue of Liberty Isn’t Holding a Torch; She’s Lighting a Match.” – erak
· “Well, the Rich People Can Afford to Poop in Long Island Sound” – M.D.
· “Well, Yes. That’s Why I Asked.” – Greg

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Dude, at Least Blame It on a Big Stinky Monster.

Lady, seeing long line for toilet: What a long line! Is there anyone in the men's room? I'll use it, why not? It's the same! (Knocks on door, gets no answer. Opens door)
Lady: Woooooo! The smell!
(stands there for 30 seconds with grimace, complaining)
Poor little boy, coming out of bathroom, in shaky voice
: There's… There's no one else in there.


–School, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Wallflower

Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…

–Nathan's, West 32nd St

Overheard by: SuzeV

Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st

Overheard by: Lillian

Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broadway

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.

–jet blue terminal, jfk

Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.

–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

Real Bunny Eyes Dissolve, Too

Girl #1: We did this experiment with Peeps in high school. Nothing dissolved them. Not hydrochloric acid. Highly concentrated. Not sulfuric acid. Highly concentrated. Not nitric acid. Highly concentrated. Nothing dissolved except the eyes.
Girl #2: So how come when I eat Peeps, my poop isn’t pink and sparkly?
Girl #1: Oh, there’s ingredient breakdown and bile’s involved, but you pretty much shit Peep. –Metro-North train

That Was Alsome

Guy: Remember when your shit was all yellow and shit? Remember that? What happened then?
Girl: I DON’T CARE! –Broadway & Grand