Archive for the ‘Poop’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

You Do Seem to Need Some Looking-After

Guy: Hey! I haven’t seen you in, like, forever.
Girl: No kidding! How are you?
Guy: I’m good… Except, remember when I fell into that brick wall? I’m worried the cut’s infected.
Girl: Well, I have some Bactroban in my purse…
Guy: Awesome! Have I mentioned how much I love you?
Girl: And it’s prescription strength.
Guy: I’d get down on one knee and propose to you now, but I’m pretty sure I’m standing in pigeon shit.

–NYU

Ten, if It’s a Grande

Barista #1: Guess what I just did — drank a whole package of frappucino mix.
Barista #2: Ew.
Barista #1: She said she’d pay me five dollars.
Barista #2: What if you get, like, diarrhea or something?
Barista #3: I’ll give you seven if you get diarrhea.

–Starbucks, 111th St

Rinse, Repeat

Teen girl #1: Wait, so you just let him do you in the butt? You let him sodomize you?
Teen girl #2: It wasn’t bad. I couldn’t shit for a few days, though. So I took some laxatives, then I shit myself in the mall yesterday.

–Liberty Island

Overheard by: binja