Archive for the ‘Poop’ Category

Wednesday One-Liners Want Angelina Jolie to Adopt Them

Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"

–Fulton St

Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!

–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn

Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.

–Downtown 2 Train

Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!

–10th & 53rd

Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.

–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Bryan Bruner

Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.

–Metro-North Rail Tracks

Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice

Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!

–Broadway

Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez

That Depends on the Flavor

Guy #1: I think you just stepped in pee, there.
Guy #2: Ew.
Guy #1: I think it was human.
Guy #2: Ew. It was kind of greenish.
Guy #1: Maybe it was antifreeze. Don’t lick your shoe or anything. Not that you should if it was pee, I mean. –26th & 2nd

Wednesday One-Liners: Guaranteed to Rot Your Teeth.

20-something women in yoga gear, simultaneously: It was like a blessing in cake form.

–Astor Place

Girl: I'm too single to eat a brownie.

–NYU Library

Guy on cell: Soft Serve is so good, you will step in dog poop and not even care!

–14th St b/w 7th & 8th

Serious guy on his way out of restaurant, to girl: So all we need are aspirin and Skittles.

–Angelo's Pizza

Assertive little boy in shopping cart seat, grabbing mom's face: I want to buy a chocolate croissant and eat it. Do you understand what I'm saying?

–Food Coop, Park Slope

Overheard by: Jenny

Just Wait 'Til You Have Wednesday One-Liners Of Your Own!

Ghetto guy herding large group of rowdy kids off train: Scuse me, scuse me, scuse me! Lotta kids, they all ain't mine!

–C Train

Overheard by: Julie S.

Professional woman on cell: I mean, she said she'd finally come to the place where she realizes her kids are shit, and she can just wash her hands off the whole situation and be done with it!

–40th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Rachel

Receptionist to UPS guy: Shit, I got five kids, and they're all bad.

–6th Ave & 47th

Overheard by: thanks mom

Angry woman, yelling on phone: Nigga, don't give me that "parenting role" shit!

–Flatbush Ave & Park Place, Brooklyn

Concerned mother: He's not even potty-trained, all he does is eat the toilet paper.

–University Pl & 8th St

Overheard by: Justin

Tour De Wednesday One-Liners

Fat tourist: Exactly, like, I know Disney trivia, but of course I don't know general trivia.

–Ellis Island

Overheard by: Cat

Female tourist with Irish accent, reading leaflet: Jaysas lads, it only took them 14 months to build this, I wonder if it's okay like.

–Empire State Building

Overheard by: joanie

Tourist gazing up at the Empire State Building: They sure could fit a lotta hay in there!

–Outside Empire State Building

Overheard by: Duppy

Tourist: Where do they keep the cemeteries around here?

–Next to St. Paul's Cemetery/Church

Female tourist: Oh my god, I can't believe we're on the 6… Just like J.Lo.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: Courtney C.

Overzealous British tourist father, pointing at map: Okay, everyone. We're passing by Madison Square Gardens. They must be lovely at this time of year. We're on the Metropolitan Line, see? The Met Line. Just like in London. We're going to get off at Rector Street. It's the last stop before Brooklyn, so if we miss our stop, we'll be in Brooklyn, and we don't want that! Look, now there are no more numbers. When there are no more numbers in the station names, that means we're at the bottom of the underground. Oh, look, it's Chinatown. This is where all the orientals get off.

–R Line

Overheard by: office peon is one of those Orientals…

Female tourist: Know what? Fuck it, I just want to go back to my hotel room and take a shit.

–Canal St

The Other Times He Was Meditating

Dreadlocked guy: I’m a customer and you’re saying I can’t use the restroom? Ambiguously ethnic deli owner: You can’t use it this often. You come here every day and stay there for 20-25 minutes. I don’t know what you’re doing in there. Dreadlocked guy: Well if you want to get so technical, the first time I was taking a dump. –34th & 1st

Wednesday One-Liners Prove That Nowhere Is Safe from Our Spies

Exasperated mother to child in toilet stall: Hurry up and poop!

–Ladies’ Restroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Betsy

[Girl is taking a piss in bathroom, friend shuts off lights.]
Girl
: Biiitch! You know my pussy don’t glow in the dark!


–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Lady in bathroom stall: [Grunts, groans grunts again.] [Pause.] Oh my god, I peed on the floor!

–Sheraton Hotel

Overheard by: Morgan

Hungover senior, chanting loudly over sound of own urination in bathroom: Allllllllll riiighty thennnnnnn! Ahhhhhhhh!

–SVA Animation Department

Overheard by: Laughing

Man farting at urinal, to friend at urinal next to him: Hey, man, what do you think about piss farts?

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Overheard by: JO in Bobst

Girl: I’m not looking. I don’t want to see your vagina. Even if we are family.

–AMC Theater Restroom, Times Square

Overheard by: wondering what’s going on in the next stall

[Horrific sounds heard in adjacent stall for 3 minutes.]
Co-worker, yelling
: "I’m sorry, I had milk!"


–Office bathroom, 31st Street