Archive for the ‘Prison’ Category

Why Do I Always Get Headaches When I Hang Out with You?

Girl to foreign friend: I wish my friend Lockdown lived here, but he lives in LA.
Foreign friend: Low down?
Girl: Lockdown.
Foreign friend: What is he?
Girl: Lockdown!
Foreign friend: Lookdown?
Girl: No! Lockdown.
Foreign friend: He's in jail ?
Girl: No, he's not locked up, he's Lockdown.
Foreign friend: So he's married?
Girl: No! His name is Lockdown. He's single.
Foreign friend: So, is he from Malaysia?
Girl: No, Michigan.

–N 6th St & Bedford Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Want Angelina Jolie to Adopt Them

Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"

–Fulton St

Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!

–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn

Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.

–Downtown 2 Train

Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!

–10th & 53rd

Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.

–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: Bryan Bruner

Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.

–Metro-North Rail Tracks

Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice

Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!

–Broadway

Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez

Glenn Close: Now That's Crazy

Black woman: Girl, I be crazy!
Friend: I know!
Black woman: I mean, that nigga break up with me, and I just start in with the rip-rip-rip, and I tore up his clothes, and his furs, right?
Friend: Right!
Black woman: And then he come home, and that nigga be cryin'! And I'm like, “No furs, no car, no nothin! You thought it was over? Now it's over!”
Friend: Yeah!
Black woman: And he can't do nothin' to me–I'll have his ass thrown in jail, you know. And then get him ass-raped.
Friend: What?
Black woman: Yeah, my dad's in prison. How about that, nigga? I put your ass in jail, then I get you ass-raped!
Friend: You are one crazy bitch!
Black woman: You know it! All right honey, here's the subway, gotta go, love you!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Wednesday One-Lineups

Girl: I feel like she's really good at illegal stuff.

–34th & 9th

Overheard by: hellothere

Haggard-looking woman, screaming into cell: What? Now you're gettin' locked up and I am going to fucking prison now! Perfect! (sprints out of store)

–King Kullen, Staten Island

Preteen to another: So when you get arrested and your mom asks you where you were, you weren't with me.

–1st Ave & 16th

Overheard by: Wes Mantooth

Female teen to another: Yeah, that's what my dad got arrested for, too.

–Central Park

Teen boy on cell: I get a lot of shit from authority figures. Especially when I'm getting arrested.

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: The Man(dy)

For Emily, Wherever This Quote May Find Her

Guy on cell talking loudly: Where the fuck are you, Emily? (pause) Are you shopping? Don't lie to me, Emily! I will come over there and fucking beat the dogshit out of you. (pause) I don't care if I go to jail, it will be worth it to slap your lying ass around. (pause) You don't buy me shit, Emily. Do you buy me my underwear? No! Do you buy me socks? No! I do. What about all those purses and shoes you have? Me!
Random Dominican teenage girl: Damn, Emily really don't buy him nothing.

–Lucky Star Bus

Overheard by: chinatown bus traveler

“Et Tu, Wednesday One-Liner?”

Very young thug to slightly older thug: My nigga, I'm the fuckin' ghetto McGyver! I can make a…a cigarette filter into a knife!

–Uptown B Train

Overheard by: It's a little too squishy to be very threatening…

Ghetto man: A woman tried to stab me once while we was having sex!

–Broadway & 32nd St

Girl on cell: She got stabbed 15 times. They said it was self defense.

–94th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Dan Rosen

Black guy on cell: Dude, she was trying to stab me with a corkscrew! I couldn't listen to you at a time like that! I was in crisis mode! (pause) Yes! A fucking corkscrew! A corkscrew, nigga! A motherfucking corkscrew!

–Fulton Street Mall

Hobo, wearing plastic crown wrapped in toilet paper: And after I got out of jail for trying to stab that motherfucker with a screwdriver, I said "fuck it, I'm the motherfucking Statue of Liberty! What you looking at, whitey?"

–4/5 Train

Overheard by: Whitey

Hip young NYU student on cell: I was with Ricky again last night. (pause) Yeah, I had to pull the knife out on him again. (pause) No, but it was funny, though.

–NYU

Overheard by: brooklyn1234

Where the Cons Are Doms

Guy #1, at bar: What?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #3: Really?
Guy #2: Yeah. I don't use condoms. My religion doesn't allow it.
Guy #3: You'll do just fine in prison.

–Dojo's Restaurant, 14th St

Headline by: Incognito

Runners-Up:
· “And That’s How the Church Of Barebacking Got Its Start” – Botticus

· “Fortunately for Him, Dudeism Also Forbids Paying Child Support” – Jim C.
· “I Hear There’s a Waiting List for Priests…” – Father Dick
· “It’s Not Losing Your Virginity If You Don’t Use *Your* Penis” – samson
· “Jail
: The Last Refuge Of the Religious” – BenGay

· “Stop Calling Our Marriage a Prison” – Sandy Paws
· “The “Abstinence Only” Crowd Finds Their Niche” – again
· “Why Couldn’t My Cell Mate Be More Like You?” – Fresca P.
· “You Already Know How to Turn the Other Cheek” – Kelly


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Yo Momma So Wednesday, She One-Liners!

Woman on cell: Oh, and by the way, I called my mother to thank her. (pause) No, I said, "Mom, I'm calling on behalf of me and the girls to thank you very much." (longer pause) Well, she can just go fuck herself then.

–90th & Amsterdam Ave

Man on cell: You know a guy really likes a girl when he takes her home to meet his mom…and you know what, Sheila? You ain't never gonna meet my mom.

–South Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: smfd

Female college student to friend: We really need to cougarize your mom.

–111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Oh really

Guy: So, hey, my mom didn't die today.

–W 26th & 8th

Overheard by: Katie_AK

Girl sneaking into open conductor's room in front of the train: Next stop, your mother's asshole! Stand clear of the closing cheeks!

–6 Train

Overheard by: Adriana

Handbag seller on street corner: Yo! Tell yo mama I got her bag right here!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Taryn

Girl on cell: Yeah, I'm bussin' it for now, my mom's on this thing that I have to show her responsibility… I know, it's like I get up in the morning, I haven't gotten arrested in a while, and I have a job, what more do you want from me?

–Seguine Ave & Waterbury, Staten Island

One Wednesday One-Liner to Live

Woman, pushing baby in stroller through flock of pigeons and hearing him laugh hysterically: Yeah, yeah, sometimes it's the little things in life.

–76th St

Overheard by: jaytro

Guerrilla Top of the Rock marketer: Carpet munching can get you far in life.

–Rockefeller Center

Twelve-year-old girl at Tila Tequila's book signing: This is the greatest day of my life.

–Barnes & Noble, Tribeca

Overheard by: Helene and Kristina

Short fat white woman to tall older man: Well, I really have no problem with spending life in jail. I really don't.

–Father Demo Square

Man, not moving: This place is draining the life out of me.

–IKEA Store

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

Train operator: This is a life-altering bound r train. Prepare to be amazed. Next stop, Nirvana.

–R Train