Archive for the ‘Prostitutes’ Category

King: I’ll Take the Hooker, Thank You

Teacher: If you were convicted of murder, who would you send to ride to the king to get a pardon?
Student: A rider.
Teacher: Can you spell that? Do you mean a ‘writer’?
Student: R-I-D-E-R — someone who is good with horses.
Teacher: So what is important is his sportsmanship?
Student: Maybe a servant? A friend of the king?
Teacher: What is one of the oldest professions?
Student: A prostitute?
Teacher: A lawyer!

–New York Law School

Wednesday One-Liners Know the Guys Down at Vice a Little Too Well

Sassy woman: No, no, no, no. What I don’t think you understand is, his parents are his mother and a pimp. –33rd & 8th Overheard by: Alex Drunk girl: I don’t want to be sold for five dollars on the street! –1st Ave between 2nd & 3rd Overheard by: Kira Record label coordinator: This company needs a hit like a crackwhore on payday. –150 5th Ave Addiction expert: I don’t think he’s addicted to porn, but I think he does, like, coke off hookers’ asses. –6 train, 68th St Old Jewess: I couldn’t tell if they were singers or prostitutes. –1 train, 42nd St Overheard by: Kimdog Man on cell: So then the hooker walked in with a squeegee. Then I knew it had gone way too far! –Times Square Guy: She’s kind of the President of the Prostitute Guild. –Hughes Ave, the Bronx Overheard by: Jess McGins

The Technical Term Is ‘Crack Whore’

Drunk girl #1: I can’t believe he offered us $20 for that.
Drunk girl #2: We should have just took it. $20 is $20. We didn’t even have to do anything. We didn’t even have to look!
Drunk girl #1: Yeah, true, but can you imagine if those other two came around the corner while he was doing that.
Drunk girl #2: Yeah, you’re right. They would not only think we were crackheads, but prostitutes too.


Wednesday One-Liners Know How to Dicker

Little gangster kid: Yo, the last time I went fishing I got a fishing lure stuck in my dick. –Prospect Park, Brooklyn Hobo: Everybody’s somebody on my dick! –Union Square Overheard by: Rebecca Girl, to male co-worker: Can you be a little more subtle and not such a dick-swinger about your Amstel Light? –Conde Nast Bldg, 57th & 8th Overheard by: Kenzi Woman: At least I don’t suck dicks for free! –Broadway and Putnam, Brooklyn Overheard by: Tommi Drunk college student: My redeeming factor is I will suck fucking dick to make money. –Rockefeller Center Overheard by: dank Guy on cell: Take it like a bowl of dicks. –14th & 5th Overheard by: Johnny Bonsanto Fat guy: So I asked her, and she gave me her number, and then it was disconnected. So I went back the next week, and she wasn’t working there anymore. So I wondered, did she quit her job just to avoid sucking my dick? –Bleecker & Sullivan Overheard by: Caroline

Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full

Middle-Aged man: I hope we don’t get caught.
Prostitute: Don’t worry, I never have. –81st & Amsterdam
Headline by: Sean
· “…Not Once in My Ten Years on the Force.” – Ingwall
· “Any Extra Charge For the Lip Service?” – Hobo Whisperer
· “He Was Looking For, ”Cause Then We’d Have to Be Punished…'” – alex
· “I’ve Got My Lucky Condom” – Sheri
· “Is Hugh Grant Considered ‘Middle-Aged’?” – Matthew McGuirl
· “My Parents Will Be Home in an Hour” – Lois
· “Skip the Condom. She’s Been Tested, Too” – Andy Adelewitz
· “Take Your Father to Work Day” – Sean Mc Grath

Honorable mentions:
· “Charge Me If You Can” – petch
· “If You Can’t Beat ‘Em (in Public)” – Heather
· “They Were Talking About Their Braces.” – Allison
Click here to see the new Headline Contest

You Can’t Spell Wednesday One-liners Without TMI

Suit on cell: And your penis is bigger now? –68th & Lexington Guy: I’m being totally honest, you guys…I pulled my groin playing ping pong. –51st & Lexington Overheard by: Mike Barish Lady: Well, I don’t think he realized I was a hooker! –73rd & Broadway Overheard by: Sandro Olivieri Girl on cell: So he was a big guy, and he was pretty big, but not that big, but I’m, like, tiny, so we tried, but it wouldn’t go in. Are you listening to me? No, it wouldn’t fit…what could I do? I dropped to my knees and did what I could, but we just won’t work. –West Broadway & Houston Overheard by: Darby O’Gill Mustache: I walked in and it was clearly a gang bang gone awry. –Dive bar, 96th Street